Onward to the Next Frontier: The Vision of the Upbeat Dad Organization!

In October 2010, I launched the Upbeat Dad blog simply for the purpose of empowering dads to become actively engaged in the lives of their children. I didn’t quite know what the response would have been but I just had an overwhelming desire to help others through this medium. If even one person would stand to benefit from this work, then to me, it would be worth it.

Today, over 20 months later, I have written 214 blog posts. We have well over 200,000 hits on the site, with readers on every continent except Antarctica – not sure if they have internet there anyway! I’ve had the privilege of having positive exchanges with members of our audience from all over the world through the blog, our Facebook page and on our Twitter feeds. I have had several interviews with different media sources including the BBC. We have had two Upbeat Dad Community Forums to date. I have spoken at different conferences including the Head Start in Miami and The Divorce Expo in Detroit. So it’s been an eventful almost two years!

As the vision has unfolded, I have come to the realization that the Upbeat Dad concept is more about a cause than anything. In its true essence, it’s a positive force for change. The underlying theme that’s been echoed by others with whom I’ve interacted as I’ve carried out this work is that the message is so needed. So with that, I have sought to put in place an infrastructure to address many of the issues that have been identified.

All of this has led to the forming in late 2011 of the Upbeat Dad Organization, Inc., a non-profit corporation whose mission is to empower fathers and to support families. As this phase of the vision is unfolding, I am realizing more and more how much work there is to do. Well, maybe I shouldn’t call it work – it’s more fun than anything. But the possibilities of what might be accomplished are endless. It’s all for the purpose of helping dads to play their part in the raising of their children.

Some men become fathers but don’t quite know how to be dads. The term father is a term of biology. But dad is a term of endearment. Then there are men who deeply desire to be involved in the lives of their children but because of various obstacles that dominate the family law system, their efforts seem futile. There are so many issues that are prevalent when it comes to the matter of fatherhood. So we have developed a systematic approach to address many of these issues. There is certainly no “one size fits all” solution to these issues. So step by step we are tackling the problems that we’ve identified.

I haven’t written quite as many blog posts recently. I do plan to get back to writing more frequently, ideally at least one or two per week. I recognize the importance of these posts, as I believe they give practical solutions to the different issues that men deal with. But behind the scenes, there’s quite a bit of work being done. Let’s just say that the blueprint for a masterpiece is being assembled. And it’s my opinion that that masterpiece will be for your benefit.

I believe that the cause for which the organization has been formed is great. In the coming weeks, months and years, you’ll begin to see the vision unfold to a greater extent than it has to this point. We have formed strategic alliances with various organizations including the Miami Dolphins. We will have more public events – ones that will function as the ground war in a military operation. We have engaged the services of a team of consultants whose responsibility is to help us develop certain modules to effect change in different parts of our society, including the corporate arena, the educational system, the prison system, the political system, the legal system and more.

The purpose of this post is to really affirm our commitment to practicing what we’ve preached since we launched this site almost two years ago. I hope that you have a glimpse of where we are going with this. I often say that it’s the cause of a lifetime. Having been through a divorce and now having the privilege of raising a new family, along with my daughter from my first marriage, I know just how fortunate and blessed I am. So I seek to empower others to take the “upbeat” approach and do the right thing for their kids.

I think that we’re embarking on an exciting phase of the vision. So do stay engaged with us. And share any of our posts with others who you think will benefit from what we seek to share. More than anything, I believe that children will have more a promising future when their dads are actively involved in their development. So the purpose behind all that we do will be to help these dads to have that positive impact.

Do enjoy your day. And stay tuned – the best is yet to come!

The Upbeat Dad

Helping Blended Families Deal With Sibling Rivalry

Parenthood is the gift that keeps on giving. Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, it presents a new challenge as well as a new opportunity to impact our children’s lives. Some see it as a burden; I choose to see it as something to embrace.

I have a teen daughter and a son who’s almost a year and a half old. Managing the responsibility of raising these two, along with my wife, isn’t always easy. But let’s just say I do a lot of on-the-job training. My daughter is from my former marriage and my son is from my new marriage. You see, we have a blended family. And this family is my life. Knowing that I have a new opportunity to live happily-ever-after in a new relationship is something that I readily embrace. And I’m willing to do all it takes to make this one last a lifetime!

You may have heard the term “sibling rivalry” used to describe the relationship that often develops between brothers and sisters. The reasons that cause the rivalry to develop are many but one thing is for certain – it is a reality that many families face.

The nature of blended families is such that when you have stepbrothers and stepsisters, the relationships can be worse than the traditional rivalry between siblings. Kids with different dads or different moms can easily find themselves in competition. It just comes with the territory.

What can we do as parents to help to minimize the effects of this phenomenon when there is a blended family? That’s the purpose of this post.

About 2 years ago, when my wife and I told our daughter that she had a baby brother on the way, she was less than thrilled. You see, years before, I was a single dad. It was just she and me living our lives and making the most of it. When I started dating the person who would become my wife, my daughter felt that the attention and affection that was always directed towards her would now be redirected to someone else.

The dating process that eventually led to marriage was one of the challenges that put to the test the skills that I had developed as a parent. You can read more about this in: The Story of My Blended Family. Our “blending” wasn’t something that happened overnight. We had to put certain measures in place to ensure that each person would be happy in this new union.

So almost a year into the marriage, when my daughter learned that a baby was on the way, she said to me, “All this time, I had your heart to myself. Now you got married and your heart got divided in two – she got one half and I got the other. So now that you’re having more children, my half is just gonna get smaller and smaller.” I was dumbfounded. Just when I thought I had it all figured out, I had a new challenge on my hands.

Since that time, my wife and I have been so conscious of the fact that our daughter needs the assurance that all will be fine, regardless of the number of children we have. The important thing is that the love for her is unconditional.

Now our daughter has a totally different outlook on her role in the family. She’s a big sister and she has fully embraced that role. She lovingly plays her part in her little brother’s growth and development. Sometimes it’s changing diapers; other times it’s feeding; and other times it’s just playing with him because they both have a great time. I know it’s just the beginning of their relationship but I think they’re off to a good start. And as long as we as parents do our job, they should grow closer as time goes on.

When blended families come together, I believe that parents ought to help children learn that their new brothers or sisters might have different moms or dads but they are just as valued in the family. Sometimes the rivalry that develops in a traditional family comes from parents displaying preferences for one child over others. In a blended family, that can be disastrous. It’s not unusual for marriages to breakup because the kids didn’t embrace their new siblings.

In my case, the two siblings are 12 years apart and the younger one was born in the marriage. But what about cases where older kids see their parents get married? That can certainly be a challenge. Some kids have a hard enough time accepting a new mom or dad. Dealing with a new sibling takes things to a different level. They may have to share rooms. They may have to start doing things with another person when they were used to having their space and doing their own thing.

Parents can help their kids to navigate this unchartered territory by implementing a few measures:

·        Have a talk. Before the families come together, it’s good to have a talk and let each child know what’s happening. Listen to them express their concerns and help them weigh the pros and cons of having someone else to call brother or sister. Then assure them that they can always share their thoughts with you as the family comes together.

·         Give them time. Adjusting to a new situation is part of the routine that kids learn. They learn to meet new friend. They learn to adapt to new schools. So joining a blended family is just another thing that they can get used to. In each changing situation, they need time to adjust. Don’t be pushy and try to force them into accepting the new relationship. Give them time and let them learn to see that the new relationship with another sibling is a good thing.

·         Plan “get to know you” activities. Think of activities that kids like to do and bring them together to enjoy some time getting to know each other. For younger kids, it can be time at a place like Chuck E. Cheese’s. For older kids, it can be going to the mall or the movies or maybe to an athletic event. Just let them get to know each other while doing something they love.

·         Always listen. This is a very important point. Kids like to know that their cares and concerns are of importance. So establish and open door policy where you allow them to respectfully share their thoughts. This boosts their self esteem and helps them adjust to the new situation.

I hope that these tips are helpful as you deal with your own situation. They can work wonders when implemented.

Parenting has its challenges, no doubt. This is one area where parents can make a real positive impact that lasts a lifetime. Blended families are special in their own way. And kids who get a new brother or sister can learn to enjoy life in a whole new way. It’s up to us to help create the environment that will help them thrive in the new family.

Enjoy your day.

The Upbeat Dad

Why We're Postponing Our Son's First Birthday Party

Rodrick's son

Earlier this month our son turned 1 year old. Now if you ask me how it happened so fast, I'd say I have no idea. It's really so true when people say that time flies when you're having fun. I also have a tween - a 12 year old who officially becomes a teenager next month. She's the only child from my first marriage. She resides with my wife and me. During the summertime and holidays she goes to her mom - my ex - who relocated to her home state after the divorce.

My wife and I were excited to see our not so newborn little son reach his first major milestone by turning 1. It's really a cause for celebration. So we thought that a party was in order.

Now here's the kicker - and the basis for me writing this post. We made a decision together to postpone his birthday party until our daughter returns from her summer break. Although that would be at least 3 to 4 weeks after his birthday, we very much wanted her to be a part of it. So on his birthday, we just went out for a very informal dinner - just the 3 of us.

Here's why we made this decision: We're a closely knit family so while our daughter spends a lot of time with her mother, she's also a vital part of our household. Without her, our blended family isn't quite complete.

I wrote about The Story of My Blended Family to share how I went from being a divorced/single father to a happily married father of 2. My wife and daughter, in my view, are the model of how a stepparent/stepchild relationship should be. They genuinely love and respect each other and have a bond that is so close that many people mistakenly believe that they're biologically related. They're that close.

Whenever our daughter's away, to my wife and me, her presence is missed. But still, we love the fact that she has 2 homes where she's loved and always welcome. I'm sure that to my ex, the sentiments are the same; our daughter really has the gift to light up a home.

While she's been away for the summer, her brother has become an expert at creeping. And now he's in the last part of that phase as he's trying to graduate to the walking phase. He's developing so fast that it's amazing to think that not too long ago, he was a little 5 lb 8 oz newborn bundle of joy.

When he was born last year, his big sister was also away. I ensured that she was kept abreast of the whole process - especially the very long labor. And when he was born, she was the first person who was not in the delivery room to hear the news that he was born.


So now that he's 1 year old, I also believe it's important that she's a key part of his birthday celebration. She told me that she wants to help plan his party. So now that she has returned, the planning has begun.

Why do I share this post? Well, I believe that embedded within it is something that all families - particularly blended families - can learn from. Kids are wonderful and special. They love to know that they're treasured in every way.

With the 2 scenarios that I just described - the birth and first birthday of our son - quite easily, if we handled them differently, our daughter could have felt left out of a major occurrence in the family. She could have felt like an outsider looking in on a happy celebration. But she's at the core of it all, so in my view, those two very significant events wouldn't be quite the same without demonstrating to her that she's a part of it all.

I wonder how many parents in a similar situation would take the same approach. In particular, I wonder how many stepmothers would postpone their firstborn's first birthday party so that their stepdaughter can be a part of it. Believe me, children know when their well-being is at the forefront of their parents' minds. So kudos to my wife for her role in this. It really speaks volumes about her.

If you're a part of a blended family, I encourage you to think through situations like this that present themselves all the time. Sibling rivalry can be an issue. And especially when siblings don't share both parents, if not handled properly, a lot of resentment and animosity can develop.

Please ensure that every decision you make, you think about what message is being sent to the kids. They know more than we give them credit for at times.

I hope that this post has spoken to your hearts. And if it encourages you to make some changes in your approach to parenting, please implement those changes quickly. Your kids will know and appreciate the effort on your part.

Do enjoy your day.

Rodrick and his family

The Upbeat Dad

  

Domestic Violence and Its Impact on Families

Today’s post is about an issue that I wish didn’t need to be addressed. But it is a reality in homes around the world. And considering that many come to our blog for encouragement and solutions about life issues, I believe that part of our responsibility is to address matters that may not necessarily be pleasant to talk about. So today’s topic is about domestic violence and its impact on families.

Several years ago when I lived in Houston, Texas, I recall watching an episode of the television show COPS. If you’re unfamiliar with the show, it’s one that features police officers carrying out their duties in real incidents as they occur.

On that episode, the police were called to a home where two men had a physical altercation. As they got to the scene, they learned that one man had hit his girlfriend in the presence of their children. The woman called her brother and he came over to the home and got into a fight with the other man.

When the police finally restrained them, the woman’s brother said, “I had to fight him. Ain’t nobody gonna hit my sister if he ain’t married to her!” Did you hear that? That’s exactly what he said! “Ain’t nobody gonna hit my sister if he ain’t married to her!”

Can you imagine the mindset that it takes to come to that conclusion? In other words, had the sister been married, it would’ve been just fine with her brother if she were beaten. I guess in his mind, that’s a privilege of marriage. So very sad.

I strongly believe in the family structure. I also believe that children are a blessing to couples. What concerns me greatly is that domestic violence is a way of life for many couples. Most often, it’s a man being violent but that’s not always necessarily so. I know of many cases of men being abusive. I also know of cases where women are abusive. And in other cases, both men and women are.

This issue of domestic violence is so multi-dimensional. We have to consider what occurs in the home. We have to consider what occurs with kids. And we also need to consider the legal angle to it.

I do not believe that people just wake up one day and decide to become violent. I have learned from a colleague who’s a family therapist that, more often than not, people who display those traits have been exposed to it for much of their lives. You may have heard it said that children live what they learn. How many times have you heard of someone who’s violent in the home and then you later learn that they grew up around that type of behavior?

A family attorney who’s a colleague of mine told me that since the economic downturn, divorces have decreased significantly. But domestic violence cases have risen substantially. Isn’t that interesting? His conclusion is that the pressures of a bad economy are probably causing people to stay together when they probably ought to be apart. They can’t afford to divorce so instead they stay together and sometimes let their emotions get the better of them.

The sad consequence in all of this is that the children who grow up around such behavior become affected emotionally. Anxiety and fearfulness are just some of the results of their experience. And if not adequately dealt with, these same children grow up and likely find themselves in abusive relationships. Boys become men who believe that being physically intimidating is a proper way to settle the normal disagreements that couples have. And women think that it’s normal for a man to act that way.

In many cases, men blame women and women blame themselves when there is a domestic violence incident. Have you ever heard a man say, “If she wouldn’t have done          (fill in the blank)             I wouldn’t have had to hit her?” Or have you heard women say, “I know he loves me but he’s just a little frustrated? If I wouldn’t have done          (fill in the blank)             he wouldn’t have to do it?”

And as I said earlier, women are at times violent with men. At our Upbeat Dad Community Forum 2 weeks ago, after the event I was speaking with a gentleman who told me that he got divorced 5 years ago. During the marriage, there were times that his wife would become so enraged that she would slap him in the face and kick him. He said that although he was tempted to retaliate, he knew that in doing so, once the police become involved, as a man, he’d be the one who goes to jail. So he typically just left the house.

This whole area of life bothers me greatly. Let me share this with you. There’s nothing normal about being physically violent with anyone – particularly one with whom you’re in a relationship. My thought is that if things are that bad that you have to resort to violence, you should probably walk away. No one should drive you to the point where you lose self control to that degree.

There are certain television programs and movies that I do not watch. I recall watching the movie What’s Love Got to do With It? – the Tina Turner story. When I saw the scenes where she was physically abused by her husband, I couldn’t look. I pressed mute and waited until that scene ended – checking periodically to ensure that it ended. I just don’t like the thought that people say, “I love you that’s why I have to beat you.” It just doesn’t make sense to me.

The legal angle to this is also something that ought to be considered. A family attorney friend of mine told me that, particularly since the O.J. Simpson murder trial, judges tend to be more cautious than ever in dealing with domestic violence cases. So they grant restraining orders more quickly and easily – opting to err on the side of caution. If there is really domestic violence, someone could actually lose their life. That’s much worse than having an innocent person wrongly convicted of the act.

Let me add here that an unfortunate consequence to all of this is that people use domestic violence accusations as part of their legal strategy in divorce cases. In the United States, it’s not out of the ordinary for restraining orders with false accusations of domestic violence to be filed by either party in order to get ahead in the legal process. It’s much easier to get the house and custody of the kids when you label the other party as a violent person.

My thought on all of this is that it’s sad that people who once loved each other need to go to such measures just to win a court case. Particularly when there are children involved, the unintended consequences of such strategies can be really damaging.

This entire blog post is one that’s not easy for me to write. I know it may be difficult for some of you to read. It’s not out of the ordinary to think that someone reading this may be presently in an abusive relationship. We’re living in a real world and real people are dealing with these issues.

If you find yourself in an abusive relationship at this point, I encourage you to get help. If you’re a victim, please get help. If you’re the abuser, please get help. Particularly when there are kids in the picture, there’s nothing good that comes out of these situations. Perhaps counselors or family therapists need to be involved. Perhaps law enforcement needs to be involved. Whatever the situation may be, please get help.

This blog post was a sobering one, I know; but also a necessary one in my view. I always try to be positive in all my writings. And it’s no different here. If nothing else, I hope that what you've read here has brought some level of awareness to this issue. And I hope that it will be a catalyst for positive change in our homes.

No one deserves to live in an environment where violence is a way of life. Far too many people are in such a plight. Please share this post with others who you believe would benefit from the message. My intent is that, as with all our other writings, this would be an agent for change.

In my view, it's good to look at such a difficult subject as domestic violence and yet draw something positive from what is an inherently negative topic. That's our goal as an organization. We try to encourage each person to do the best thing for their families and for themselves in all circumstances.

Thanks for reading and do enjoy your day.

The Upbeat Dad

 

Why We’re Having the Upbeat Dad Community Forum

Last October, we started the Upbeat Dad with the purpose of touching lives around the world. And as I shared in the post from last week Thursday, 10,000 Hits Milestone and Countdown to Upbeat Dad Community Forum, we have exceeded expectations in terms of our reach. Every continent on planet earth is tuning in on a daily basis – except for Antarctica. I’m not too sure if they have the internet there  anyway! But it’s really caught on quite well on a global basis.

If you look at the history of our posts, you’ll get the sense that I have a large vision for making a difference in the world through this organization. You’ll also see that though I love to write and demonstrate that by doing a post every day, I’m more a person of action. So our community forum which will be held next week Thursday, February 10^th in South Florida is a significant action that we’re undertaking. Please see the post referenced above for details of the event.

Recently I’ve told some persons who have contacted me about the forum that we have enough problems in our world and in our homes for me to just identify the problems and talk or write about them. Talk is cheap – isn’t that what they say? Yes, talk is cheap. I want to do something to solve these many issues that plague the family because I believe that, with all the different issues that we identify, everything seems to lead to one conclusion – children get the short end of the stick when fathers aren’t involved in their lives.

Some dads don’t care to be involved in any way, shape or form. They helped to create the kids but they want no part of raising them. I’ve heard some use the term sperm donor to describe these men. Other men do want to be involved but the system discourages them because of the way it functions.

Two weeks ago, I spoke with a family law attorney who has practiced over 25 years in South Florida. She’s actually going to be speaking at our forum next week. She told me that the law, as it is written, is fair to both parents and the kids. But the way it is practiced is one-sided and biased against men. Women most often get their way – and though it might appear that it’s the men who lose, it’s the kids who are the real losers when the court becomes involved.

Let me emphasize that she is a practicing attorney and a female. And with her extensive experience, she has seen the inner workings of the system from the perspective of her clients – both male and female. So she has more credibility than most to speak on this matter. And she’s saying what most people who have been involved with the system believe.

As I wrote in the post The Great Oxymoron: Family Law, I believe that the very system that is supposed to be pro-family is the one that destroys families on a daily basis. I’m a man so I see things more from a male perspective. But can I tell you something? I’m not on the side of men. Neither am I on the side of women. I’m on the side of our children all around the world. The Carpenters sang, “Bless the beasts and the children, for in this world they have no voice.” That is so profound and so true. In the courtroom, they have no voice – yet decisions are made that impact their lives in a profound way.

So I have decided to use the Upbeat Dad organization to serve as a buffer between the law and our children. In other words, I want the children to be protected from the potential negative impact of decisions that they have no role in making. So I guess you can say that I’m a child advocate more than anything.

In our post Announcing the Upbeat Dad Community Forum, I likened the concept of the forum to the ground campaign in military combat. With over 10,000 hits on the blog in less than 4 months, the air campaign has gone quite well. But the ground campaign is where the victory is won. Having a productive exchange of ideas in an open forum is the key to solving our issues.

I don’t expect everything in the forum to be smooth sailing. It's an open and honest discussion on fatherhood. Fatherhood and all issues related to the topic affects men, women and kids. At this event, we want men and women - whether or not they are parents - to come out and share their unique perspectives.

I know that people are passionate and some wear their emotions on their sleeves as they display their passion. That’s why as we have the forum next week, I will emphasize the need for a respectful exchange of thoughts. I’m not trying to reenact the scenes from some of the controversial talk shows we see on TV. A respectful, healthy exchange of ideas in an open forum will, in my opinion, be an enlightening experience for all.

The theme of our event is, “Where are our fathers?” Here are some of the questions that we will be asking at this event: 

• Absentee father syndrome: Where are our fathers?
• How fair is the family law system?
• Why parents use children in a game of tug of war?
• Does the family law system promote the deadbeat dad syndrome?

Each of these questions could be the title of a book. You could really open a can of worms with each one. But the reality is that these issues are the very ones that we have identified that cause our fathers to be missing in action. This is why I believe that they must be looked at.

I do plan to have these forums in different cities throughout the United States and in time, overseas. Fatherhood is a global issue and ours is a global vision. So without doubt, very soon we will be taking the show on the road, as the expression goes, to the nations of the world.

If you are not able to attend our forum, fear not. We have secured the services of a video company and they will be taping the event. So you’ll see clips of our forum at your leisure. Stay tuned for more on that after the event. It’s all about sharing a message so I’m excited to share this with you even though you may be at a distance.

So I revisit the issue raised in the title of this post, “Why we’re having the Upbeat Dad Community Forum.” It’s all about our kids and what’s in their best interest. Collectively, we can identify, analyze and solve these problems. And the winners will be our kids.

If you’ll be in South Florida on February 10^th, we’d love for you to join us. We’re going to have a good evening – one that I strongly believe will be a catalyst for positive changes in our homes and in our lives. I can think of no better cause than one in which we do what’s best for the most innocent and vulnerable among us – our children. That’s something that ought to make us excited.

Please join us in this bold endeavor. Because our children are worth every effort we make.

Have a wonderful and productive day.

The Upbeat Dad

The Story of My Blended Family by The Upbeat Dad

On the 21^st of February, my wife and I will celebrate our wedding anniversary. We have a 5 month old son who, in my opinion, is a little angel sent from above. We also have a 12 year old – a daughter from my first marriage. To me, she is also an angel sent from above – an absolutely wonderful, adorable pre-teen. We are a happy family and I believe that we will remain that way. How did it happen so quickly and so easily? Suffice it to say, it didn’t happen overnight or accidentally. So today, I’ll share with you some thoughts on having a successful blended family.

About 4 years ago, my daughter, with whom I’ve always been close, came to live with me primarily. Prior to then, she lived with my former wife who moved back to her home state. When my daughter was with her mom, she always came to me whenever there was a break from school – summertime, Thanksgiving, Christmas and so on. Now that she was with me primarily, I was learning how to be a different kind of parent than I had been previously.

Rodrick and daughter at school after awards ceremony

Now I had to deal with the daily grind of being a working single parent – getting her off to school, picking her up from school, making sure she gets her homework done, going to her school for conferences with teachers, becoming involved with the Parent Teachers Association, and the list goes on. All of this was a new experience for me. It was time-consuming but I cherished every minute of it.

A little over 3 years ago, I went out for the first time with a young lady whom I had no clue would soon become my wife. Have you ever heard it said that when you’re looking for love you never find it but when you’re not looking for it, it finds you? Well, that can be said of my wife and me. We met 4 years prior to then in the business world and to me, she was just another nice person who I knew. Our paths crossed occasionally over the next few years.

In late 2007 I called the office where she worked to speak with her boss. She answered the phone and we spoke long enough for her to tell me her birthday was coming up. I offered to take her to lunch. As it turned out, lunch became dinner and dinner became dancing. Over the next few weeks, a romance blossomed and it has grown into the love of a lifetime.

After I went through a divorce in the early 2000s, I had a few relationships over the next few years. But none were developed to the stage that I seriously contemplated marriage. As I wrote in the post, Dating 101 for the Divorced Dad, I didn’t want to bring any of these new individuals into my daughter’s life. So though she met some of them, she had no idea that we were in a relationship. To her, they were just like any other of her dad’s friends. I didn’t want her to bond with someone new, only to see that relationship end like her mom’s and mine.

Rodrick and then fiancee

With my newfound relationship, this time it was different. For the first time, I believed that I found the love of a lifetime. And my mind began looking towards the future. I thought of having a happy family with my daughter an integral part of it. I thought of having a wife with whom I can develop a loving relationship built on mutual respect.  I really began getting excited as I thought about all that could be. My new love and I talked about the future and we were on the same page, as the expression goes. The future was ours for the taking and everything was just perfect. Or so I thought.

When I told my daughter of our plans, she was not a happy camper. I remember sitting with her – just the two of us – and talking about the new family that was developing. She expressed that though she liked this new person in my life, she felt that for so many years she had me all to herself. The way that she described how she felt was almost artistic. She said, “All this time, I had your heart to myself. Now if you get married, your heart is gonna be divided in two – she gets one half and I get the other. Then if you have more children, my half is just gonna get smaller and smaller.” I was awestruck at just how she expressed such concern.

Rodrick and family at Miami Heat game before wedding

I assured her that just like before when her mom and I divorced, my love for her was immovable - it would never fade. I reminded her that through all the changes that took place in our lives over the years, there was one constant – she was my top priority and nothing could ever change that. I told her that if we have more children, I could never possibly have another first-born child. She is my first child and that fact is quite significant.

Then she started telling me about the nightmare scenarios she sees played out on TV. For instance, in the story of Cinderella, her father was a widower and got remarried. Cinderella’s stepmother and stepsisters were very cruel to her. My daughter also heard expressions like, “You get treated like a red-headed stepchild.” All of these things gave her cause for concern.

The beautiful thing is that neither my now-wife or me forced anything on her. We just let things flow. And as we interacted, my daughter began opening up to the idea that this might not be the hostile takeover of her dad that she feared. It was actually ok. We went to dinner and to the movies and really bonded. My then-fiancée was just as nice as she could be – not the wicked stepmother type that is portrayed in the movies.


Rodrick and daughter on wedding day

Things went so great that as we began making wedding plans, my daughter was a part of that process. She went to the bridal store to look at the wedding dress. She and my niece were flower girls so they got excited as they tried on their custom fitted dresses. It was really a splendid process.

As we finalized the order of the service and reception, my daughter told me that she had prepared a speech and wanted to deliver it in front of everyone. The only catch is that she didn't want me to see it beforehand. She was only 10 at the time but I trusted that she'd do the job of a pro.

At the wedding and reception, we all had a wonderful time. Our parents and other loved ones were there to join us for this occasion of a lifetime! Then came what, in my opinion, was the highlight of the evening - when my daughter toasted me. She spoke of how happy she was that I got married to a wonderful woman. Then she said, “Instead of losing my dad, I’m keeping my dad and getting a wonderful new mom.” I admit that I teared up a bit as she shared those heartfelt words.

Daughter toasting Dad at wedding

Throughout all of this, I have been very careful not to let my former wife feel as if she was being replaced in my daughter’s life. She has always been her mom and nothing could ever change that fact. So though there’s a new stepmother, there’s no threat of her being replaced. That process has gone well and everyone involved has been just fine. When my daughter graduated from elementary school, we all met together for the first time. It was actually a nice meeting and I think, for my daughter, it was a good thing to see that each of us loves her and we are all committed to her well-being.

In August 2010, our son was born. Our daughter was very involved throughout the pregnancy and she was as excited as ever when her baby brother was born. As I type this, she’s in front of me changing his diaper and loving every minute of it. She’s a great big sister in every imaginable way. We’re quite proud of her.

During our pre-marital counseling sessions, our pastor told me that I should schedule regular time with my daughter with just us two. So once a week, after school, we have what we call a “lunner” – a light meal between lunch and dinner. She looks forward to it, as do I. And my wife fully embraces that special bonding time. That has helped so much in us having a smooth transition into our happy blended family.

Rodrick's kids

I hope that you have enjoyed reading just how our family has come together. I don’t share it just for the sake of sharing it. There are lessons and tips embedded in our story that I believe others can learn from. Divorce is very much a part of our world today. And kids from these former marriages can become vulnerable as their parents enter new relationships.

For those of us fortunate to find love again, it’s important to choose wisely because the persons we bring into our kids’ lives will have an impact on them. When I got married for the first time in the mid 90s, the last thing I envisioned was one day having a blended family. Yet, here we are today. This is my reality so I had to make the best of it.

As I always say, our kids are top priority and the decisions that we make each day can have a lasting impact on them. If you’re in a blended family, I hope that this post has given you some good tips. And if you know of others who are in blended families or contemplating new relationships, do share this post with them. I believe that they will benefit.

Always shower your kids with love regardless of the situation or circumstance. They’re our top priority so let’s ensure that with the changes that we go through, the one constant should be our unchanging love for them.

Rodrick and family at the beach

I hope that you enjoy a great and productive day.

The Upbeat Dad