Disciplinarian Parenting Style? Or Fun Parenting? Which is Better?

Just over 10 years ago when my former wife relocated to the northeast US, I was really distraught that the judge signed off on the move. You see, she was taking our 4 year old daughter with her, much to my dismay. I thought it would have been detrimental to the father / daughter bond that had been developed up to that point. The judge said that my daughter should be with her mom throughout the school year but during breaks from school – summertime, Thanksgiving, Christmas and Spring Break, etc – she would be with me.

In trying to encourage me, my attorney said, “Think of it this way – you’ll get to be the fun parent!” I started thinking about that. When my daughter’s with me, I could do all the fun things like take her shopping or to Chuck E. Cheese’s  or to places like Disney World. Doing the fun things and creating more wonderful childhood memories. Meanwhile my former wife would have to deal with the hard tasks of getting her to school daily and picking her up. Then she’d have to go to teachers’ conferences and do all the things required to help our little one to be successful in school – homework, especially. Then came the music lessons and Girl Scouts meetings and sports practices. That level of parenting isn’t always fun – it can be real exhausting.

But then I reflected on the situation and began thinking – do I really want to be a fun parent? Or do I want to be a parent who deals with every aspect of the parenting experience – the good, the bad and the ugly? I recall, during my childhood, that both my mom and dad had their hands full with my 3 siblings and me. We had our fair share of fun but it certainly wasn’t all fun and games. They taught us valuable life lessons that still guide us to this day. And these lessons often came disguised in the form of discipline.

After a while I began to realize that I didn’t want to be the fun parent. As glamorous as it might be to be the dad to create such fond memories with my daughter, the fact is that parenting, just like real life, has the glamour as well as the grime. I believe that the ultimate responsibility of parenthood is to lovingly train children in such a way that they grow up to be productive members of society. And that training doesn’t always come with fun and games; sometimes it might entail dealing with things our kids don’t like but which are in their best interest.

Whenever my daughter came to me, we certainly did do the fun things but I also tried to share with her lessons that she may not have wanted to hear. And I made a concerted effort not to just give her the things she wanted all the time. In other words, I was determined to do for her, not just what she wanted but also what she needed.

After a few years of having my daughter with me in relatively short spurts, just about 6 years ago, she came to live with me primarily – with her mom still living up north. Now my parenting style was to be put to the ultimate test. A single dad living on his own with his daughter coming to visit for the summer is one thing; it’s another thing to be a fulltime single dad dealing with school, homework, chores and everything that it takes to care for a child. This was a whole different ballgame.

Before long I began to realize that I’d been missing out on much of her development. Her learning style is the classroom environment is one of the first things that I noticed. I had always done my part from a distance, checking in with her teachers but seeing it up close gave me additional insight. I thought of some of my own challenges as I was growing up and how I overcame them. I was determined to help her strengthen the areas in which she was already strong and improve the areas of weakness.  I learned of things I could do to help her learn and achieve better grades. Before long I got her a tutor and that was quite helpful. This was the beginning of a new phase for me. Being a fun parent is easy; doing some of the things that your child might not like too much is a bit harder.

Four years ago, I got remarried. My wife and I now have 2 sons – a 2 ½ year old and a 3 month old. And my daughter is an integral part of our household. We couldn’t be happier because our home is built on love and mutual respect for each family member. Fortunately, both my wife and I realize that the responsibility of raising 3 young persons with unique and distinct personalities is an awesome one. We have loads of fun with them but we also know that if we are to be successful, discipline is required on our part.

Rodrick's teenage daughter

My daughter is now 14 years old and a high school freshman. As most parents of teenagers will tell you, inevitably there will be conflict. Teens love to push their boundaries to see what they can get away with. Sometimes she speaks as if she and I are the same age and she can do as she pleases. But overall, she’s well mannered and quite respectable and I’m quite proud of her. She’s on the honor roll at an extremely competitive high school. Now we have conversations about what career she would like to pursue. I get to challenge her in ways that, though not comfortable at times, cause her to think of the vast possibilities that may be accomplished as she seeks to make her mark on the world.

For our 2 young sons, we sure have our share of fun with them. But we have the right perspective – fun is great but for them to develop as they ought to, we have to be well-rounded parents who discipline and guide them while enjoying their growth and development.

I hope that this post has been helpful to you. Parenting entails having fun and playing games but it also entails doing the hard things that sometimes might not feel so good but are quite necessary. We all desire for our kids to grow up and become mannerly, well-adjusted, goal-oriented persons who make a positive contribution to society. Let’s keep the entire process of parenting in perspective. With the right mindset, we can enjoy them while preparing them to become all that we desire for them to be.

Enjoy your day.

The Upbeat Dad

An Appeal to Expectant Fathers: Your Presence is Needed!

My wife and I recently welcomed a new baby boy to our family. We're now a family of 5 and we couldn't be happier! We already had a 14 year old daughter and a 2 year old son. Now this new addition just seems to make the picture complete! When we learned that a new little one was on the way, we had a great degree of anticipation. Along the journey, we knew that we couldn't take anything for granted. As many women will tell you, each pregnancy is different. Some may be pretty smooth while others can be physically and emotionally exhausting.

With all of this in mind, I wanted to ensure that I played my part, as best as I could, throughout the 9-month process. I couldn't physically carry the child but I could be supportive enough to make the challenge of carrying him as light as possible. I wanted my wife to know that, just as before, I would be there, right beside her, throughout each phase of the pregnancy and beyond. This brings me to the purpose of this blog post. I share it because I believe it's a message that each of us as dads can learn from. I write, not knowing the specifics of each person’s situation. I only know my personal observation and I thought I’d share a concern I have as a result.

Rodrick, wife and kids with newborn son

Here is the issue: throughout the pregnancy, when we went to Ob Gyn (doctor) appointments, I observed that, for the most part, I was the only father/expectant father present. So time after time, week after week, regardless of the time of day, or day of the week, generally speaking, I saw no other men accompanying their wives or expectant mothers of their children. I made a similar observation when my 2 other children were born – the men were missing, at least at the doctor’s offices.

So I began thinking – why are these women alone? Where are the men? Is this the norm? Is it to be expected? Some of these women struggled into the office, as they were in the last phase of their pregnancies. Some came with their other kids and had to deal with them in the waiting room before seeing the doctor. Some were clearly stressed because of all they had to deal with physically and emotionally.

Just from the small talk that my wife and I made with them as we sat in the waiting area, we learned that, for the most part, these were happily married women. Certainly there were those who weren't married. And some who, without really saying much, didn’t have the ideal scenario in which to welcome a new child. All of these women, with their varying circumstances, were being seen by the doctor without the men. 

Still puzzled about this observation, I decided to ask some people why the men didn’t generally accompany the expectant mothers of their children.  I asked verbally and via social media – Facebook and Twitter. Here’s a synopsis of the responses that I got:

-       They have to go to work and their employers would not give them the time off

-       It is not necessary for them to be there

-       In the culture of the United States, it’s not something that men do

-       The women do not have a problem with it

-       The men only need to be there when there is a major issue with the pregnancy and their input is needed

There was more that I heard but these are the major reasons. The consistent theme in the responses was that the presence of the men at these appointments was not a major priority. It’s doesn’t necessarily mean that the women are not loved and cared for; it’s just not something that was thought to be necessary and, for the most part, both men and women are okay with that. I know I didn’t take a scientific poll as they do in the political world. I’m sure there’s more to it than just this. Still, I believe that my observation might be indicative of what is commonplace – at least here in the US.

I won’t address each of the reasons above specifically, but let me just touch on the one I heard the most – work. I recognize that these doctor’s appointments are usually during normal business hours – Monday through Friday, 9 to 5. I also recognize that most people work during these hours so any visit to a doctor’s office – or any other place, for that matter – requires taking time from work. Some employers are inflexible and would not readily embrace one’s absence from work even for a couple of hours. I really do understand this.

At the same time, I also know that many of these women work outside the home. So they miss time from work for these appointments. I also know that some men are self-employed or have schedules flexible enough for them to go to the doctor to learn firsthand how the process is going. Maybe it might entail giving up one’s lunch hour or working late to make up the time. It might entail making a sacrifice. So the question becomes – is it worth the sacrifice?

I cannot imagine not being there at all for any of these appointments. The anticipation of each new milestone was something that excited me. At 6 weeks we heard the heartbeat. At 20 weeks we saw him on the ultrasound and found out we were having another boy. And after all of these appointments came the delivery of a child who, only a few months before, could barely have been seen under a microscope. Witnessing yet another child come into the world was something I considered an absolute privilege. The expression “the miracle of childbirth” is true indeed. These moments were absolutely priceless and I would not have wanted to miss them for the world.

I often say that kids really do need their dads. I believe that this need begins from the moment they are conceived. Kids need constant care, love and devotion from both their moms and dads from when they are in the womb. As our wives or the expectant mothers of our children carry these little ones, I believe that we have an obligation, as much as possible, to be a constant presence - at the doctor's office, at home, wherever it may be. Our presence helps to lighten the load in what can sometimes be a very trying, emotionally-exhausting experience.

I recognize that not every pregnancy occurs under the ideal circumstances. I’m very much aware of that. Still, I believe that if collectively, we put a greater emphasis on prioritizing being there as constant sources of support, then the expectant mothers of our children, along with the children, would feel our loving embrace – both physically and emotionally.

My appeal is not simply to encourage men to be present at doctors’ visits. It’s a call for a revolution in our entire mindset regarding the process of bringing children into the world. You’ve probably seen or heard of the stereotypical emotionally-disconnected dads whose only significant role in the delivery of their children is to hand out cigars to celebrate the birth. I don’t know if those dads still exist but I would like our involvement throughout the pregnancy process to be nothing like the image that we’ve seen portrayed at times.

Whether it’s keeping the gas tank filled or doing the grocery shopping so our wives don’t have to stop unnecessarily or taking over the cooking duties – at least temporarily – or making those late night runs to the convenient store to help them satisfy an impulsive craving for some food they haven’t had in years, there’s more we can do. Believe me, it’s not all a bed of roses when we make these sacrifices. But it works wonders and helps to solidify our presence in our wives’ and kids’ lives. This, I know from personal experience.

I don’t expect that each reader will agree with my viewpoint. That’s no problem at all. But I hope that you understand my heart in all of this. Children have the biological makeup of a mother and a father and I believe that both parents have a significant role to play in their development – and that role begins when they are in the womb. Certainly, men and women have different parts to play throughout a pregnancy. I just strongly believe that as men, there is more that we can do to demonstrate our unconditional love and support.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on what I’ve shared here. Feel free to leave a comment on this post. Or you can share via our Facebook or Twitter accounts. 

Childbirth is a true miracle. Let us collectively commit to being more active participants in the witnessing of this miracle!

Do enjoy your day.

Rodrick and his family

The Upbeat Dad

Responsible Fatherhood in an Age of Violence

Over the past several years, here in the United States, we have seen a spike in incidents of senseless violence. Random shootings routinely make headlines and each time, the more senseless the acts appear to become. Our hearts ache each time we hear of innocent lives being taken from us by a troubled person who seems intent on causing harm to others.

Remember the shootings at Columbine High School in Columbine, Colorado? Remember how much that incident shook us to the core? In hindsight, it seems like that was the beginning of series of random shootings in which the only “wrong” the victims did was being in a place where the shooters were. The more we hear about these incidents, the more deplorable the acts seem. No place seems safe – the workplace, places of worship, schools, shopping malls and political events have all become crime scenes in the most senseless of ways.

Most recently, in the small community of Newtown, Connecticut, at Sandy Hook Elementary School, 26 people were randomly shot and killed by a lone gunman. Among the dead were 20 students – ages 6 and 7, the school principal, the school psychologist and 4 teachers.

In the midst of “the most wonderful time of the year,” the nation paused to mourn the tragic passing of these precious souls. For the families however, there was no pause. Their lives came to screeching halt; instead of planning Christmas dinner and how to decorate their homes for the holidays, they were planning funerals. They probably have a difficult time going near malls or restaurants or places where families gather. Their pain is very real and being around happy, smiling families might be too much for them to handle as they continue to mourn. Their joy turned into sorrow so suddenly and so senselessly.

I often try to think about the relevance of current events to the responsibilities of men. I think of how these issues affect our roles as husbands and fathers and then I seek to share words that would spur us to action, as we embrace our roles in our families. I’m very aware of the fact that many kids do not live with their fathers due to a variety of reasons. That might make implementing some of these guidelines I share here a challenge. Still, I believe that whether our kids are physically with us all the time or not, there are things that we can do – and ought to do – to help ensure that their well-being is top priority.

As men, first and foremost, we have an obligation to protect our families. Our wives and children depend on us to be providers and protectors. Some might interpret this to mean that we ought to all go out and purchase guns. That’s the least of what I’m saying. The gun-rights issue has its place but that’s not a topic I believe ought to be highlighted on this blog. The gun control debate can be controversial and divisive and I think I can share a positive message on responsible fatherhood without getting into that subject here.

I believe we ought to teach our kids that although most of the people they know and love are warm, kind-hearted, genuine and caring, there are some people in the world who are not that way. There are some who cause severe harm to others and take pleasure in wreaking havoc in the lives of the innocent.

It is important that we reinforce the message that many of us tell our kids: don’t talk to strangers. Strangers can be warm and kind-hearted but some can also be abductors and killers. Unfortunately, we have gotten to the point where we have to teach kids, whose natural instinct is to trust, not to trust certain others because it could be to their detriment.

Another area in which I think we can help our kids is in helping them to recognize potentially dangerous situations. This is particularly important for parents of teens and young adults. I remember how, as a teen I yearned for the freedom to make my own rules and do as I please. When I went off to college, I did just that – made my own rules and did whatever I pleased. I admit that I drank alcohol before reaching the legal drinking age. I partied and had myself a ball. I stayed out late at night – sometimes into the “wee” hours of the morning, not thinking of any potential negative consequences.

Now, as a 40 something year old father of a teen daughter and 2 young boys, my perspective is so much different. Did you know that a disproportionate number of fatalities occur in those late hours? If we think about it, it makes logical sense. People are more prone to party, drink and drive at night, particularly on Fridays and Saturdays. Parents of teens and young adults probably spend many a night worrying because of their kids being out because a lot of bad things happen at night.

Although many of the shootings we have heard about on the news occurred in the daytime, acts of violence generally occur more at night. I remember during my late teen/early adult years growing up in Houston, Texas, I’d routinely go to night clubs. At many of those clubs there were shootings at different points. I remember one such shooting occurred at a concert that I attended. It’s hard to imagine that I was so passionate about being in that atmosphere that I really didn’t think I could have been a victim – whether being hit by a stray bullet or otherwise.

I believe it’s wise to educate our kids about these issues that are so very real. Perhaps as you read this you can think of different incidents in your own life where you exercised bad judgment and put yourself at risk of also being an innocent victim. The types of incidents that make headlines are like what happened at Sandy Hook Elementary but far more common are the ones that occur every day that we might only hear about in our local markets, if at all. We owe it to our kids to educate them about the dangers of the world we live in so that they can be cautious as they go about their daily lives.

Having said all of this, I recognize that tragedies, such as those that we have become all too familiar with, will occur. The children of Sandy Hook simply went to school – one that had security measures in place – and still that incident took place. People go to work or to the movie theatre or to the mall or to their places of worship and while minding their own business, they still become innocent victims.

As much as we might not like to think about it, each day we put ourselves and our kids in the way of potential harm by simply living normal lives. We cannot entirely eliminate the possibility of being victims of violence. I believe, however, that there are steps we can take to decrease the likelihood of being among those who are either victims or family members of victims of such violence.

Collectively we mourn with the families affected by the many incidents of violence that we have become so familiar with.  There are things we can control and others we simply can’t. I believe a wise approach is to teach our kids about the dangers of the world we live in and encourage them to avoid situations in which they become more vulnerable to such awful acts. One thing I often say is, “All you can do is all you can do.” Beyond that, we just trust and hope that the steps we take keep us and our families, out of harm’s way as much as possible.

I’ll close this post with the words of singer, James Taylor. The words are simply:

Shower the people you love with love

Show them the way you feel

Things are gonna be just fine

If you only will

Do shower your families with love. And do your best to protect them in all instances. Such is the responsibility of a loving, caring father.

The Upbeat Dad

Reflecting On Our New Arrival

Rodrick's newborn son

A week ago today, our family was thrilled to welcome a new child into the world. We already have a 14 year old daughter and a 2 year old son. Now we have another son to add to the mix! The 3 Musketeers, if you will! In the week that has passed, I'm amazed at all that's transpired. Some of it has been predictable; some of it I couldn't have seen coming. But altogether it has set the stage for what I envision to be a fulfilling experience.

As you probably know from reading this blog, I'm passionate about the institution of the family. I've achieved a few things in my life but nothing compares to the role of being a husband and father. There's such a sense of purpose that comes with raising a family – going through the process of welcoming children into the world and teaching them how to take their place in the world as productive citizens. It's not all fun and games - it's serious stuff. But it's such rewarding stuff. And here we are, doing it all over again!

Rodrick and family

As I reflect on the new birth, I'm humbled at the thought of the responsibility given to us - to successfully raise 3 children, each with a unique personality. It's a daunting task, on the one hand. On the other, it's an opportunity to put into practice the principles that are at the core of what my wife and I believe - children are precious gifts and ultimately, their success in life depends, to a great extent, on the environment in which they are raised.

Now here we are - adding a new child to our family and hoping we strike the right chords to help him and his brother and sister to live meaningful lives. There's no magic formula to successfully take the journey we're embarking on. Much of it is unchartered territory for us. But I'm fully convinced that, as the expression goes, "love will find a way." Love will help us make the right decisions as we mold these young lives.

In the week that has transpired since the new birth, I have seen a preview of what the coming months and years will be like. Remember, we have a teenager and a 2 year old. Our daughter is a high school freshman so she's been very much aware of what to expect with the new birth. She's been a trooper these past few months. As the pregnancy progressed, she has stepped up and assumed more responsibilities around the house. She has done a great job of doing her chores - like washing dishes, doing her laundry, etc. Her room isn't always as neat as it should be but still, she's done great so far.

Rodrick's teenage daughter and newborn son

She does all of this while learning to navigate her way through the challenging experience of being in high school. Her school is very competitive and it requires her to work harder than she has up to this point - lots of late nights and early mornings. And occasional weekend school activities too. She's involved in certain extracurricular activities that are demanding of her time. She's also involved in the youth group at our church. Needless to say, she has her hands full.

As parents, we know that, since the younger 2 kids need our involvement more, quite easily our daughter could become less of a priority to us. If we're not careful, we could invest all our time on the younger 2 while she drifts along. But then, wisdom says that, she needs us now more than ever. Why? Because she's at the stage where she's beginning to make life-altering decisions. Think of this - in just over 3 years, she's off to college. She's now seriously thinking about her future career. Soon she'll start dating; soon she'll be driving. So yes, she needs us to help her through this phase.

Then comes our 2 year old. My wife and I have been told by so many people that as long as the baby's in the womb, he will be ok. But when the baby's born, it's another story. So said, so done! I can tell from this moment, that the challenge of raising these kids will be more with the younger 2. If we learn how to manage the relationship between them, then they could become best friends for a lifetime. If we don't, then they could become lifetime rivals. We have such a significant role to play in this.  

When our older boy came to the hospital to see his new baby brother, he was excited! He smiled with the pride of a big brother. At this time, the baby was in the bassinet. Then the baby started crying. My wife picked him up and held him in her arms, trying to sooth him but he didn't stop. Then the 2 year old started crying, wanting her to hold him too. But she couldn't pick him up as before; after all, she just gave birth. I tried to sooth him but he wasn't having it - he just kept crying. He wasn't a happy camper at all. It's like he felt displaced by the new arrival. So I left the room with him till he calmed down a bit.

Rodrick's toddler and newborn sons

Then the day after my wife and newborn were discharged from the hospital, we went to the pediatrician for the baby's first doctor's visit. As we sat, talking to the doctor with the baby in my wife's arms, the 2 year old folded his arms, turned his back, and with a frown on his face said, "That's not fair! That’s not fair everyone!"

Now, even though he knows the baby's name and says it all the time, sometimes when he ask him the name, he says, "I don't know!" It’s just his way of trying to say he’s not ready to concede the limelight to a younger brother.

In the midst of all this, my wife and I recognize that this is all normal. We were told it would happen. Our friends and family tell us of different stories where the same thing occurred. My mom even tells me that when I was a newborn, my older brother (who's 2 years older than me), punched me in my stomach when she wasn't looking. I invaded his territory - our mom's arms - and he wasn't happy at all.  

Our 2 year old will be just fine as long as we are aware of the dynamics at work here. He actually has gotten better over the past few days as he's seen that the attention isn't all gone away from him. We make a concerted effort to make him a part of all that's going on. We try to help him know that having a new little brother is actually a good thing.

And another thing has worked wonders - from early in the pregnancy, my wife's OB-Gyn encouraged us to get a gift for him from the newborn. That way, he would be more open to embracing a little brother - call it a peace-offering if you will. We did just that - we got him a toy car. He absolutely loves it and I think we've set the stage for a great relationship between them both.

Rodrick's toddler son with gift from his newborn brother

One thing that I didn't see coming in all of this is that he and I are probably closer today than we've ever been. You see, before, everything we did was as a family. But now that my wife is the primary caretaker of the newborn, he needs me a bit more now. So we've started to do things together - one on one. We've gone for a few walks, I've read to him, I've cooked for him more than I have before. Now I'm thinking of the limitless possibilities of what we can do together - introducing him to different sports I played growing up - baseball, basketball, tennis. It's a really cool thought - he needs more of me and I'm more than happy to oblige!

Then there's our newborn. He's an adorable little guy and we're so thrilled to have him. Studies show that 90% of brain development occurs in the first 3 years. So the environment that we set around him will shape and mold him for years to come. With both our older children, it just seems like the newborn stage was short-lived. They progressed so quickly. With our new one, I want to enjoy every moment, letting him know that he's in a home where love and respect for each family member is paramount.

Rodrick's newborn son

One thing I know we need to be careful of it helping him to develop his own identity. He’s the last child and it’s easy to have expectations of him based on what we see in his older siblings. Also, I’m sure that many of his clothes will be “hand me downs” from his older brother. That might not seem like a big deal but for a baby brother, it could become a real issue. Another thing that we need to be aware of is that older siblings often feel that the younger ones are spoiled because they get away with things that the older ones don’t get away with. We just need to look out for it.

So there you have it! As I see it, this is just another opportunity to put into practice the principles that I write and talk about with the entire Upbeat Dad movement. It's less about what I might write and say; it's really about what I do. No one is perfect; my wife and I don't have the answers to everything. But I believe that as long as our actions are guided by love and by what's in the best interest of the children, then we'll be just fine.

Parenting is one of the most thrilling experiences one could have. And to have the opportunity to raise 3 kids is more than I could possibly have hoped for. It's the opportunity of a lifetime - one that we readily embrace. I do not know how things will turn out ultimately but I'm confident that, if we play our part, each of them will grow up to become successful, productive members of society who will make us proud. And that thought has me feeling pretty "upbeat" right now!

Enjoy your day,

Rodrick and his children

The Upbeat Dad

Helping Men Through the Pain of Divorce

It seems that recently, more and more, I've been meeting men who are going through the pain and turmoil that comes with the divorce experience. Whether I'm at work, church, traveling or just in social settings, increasingly I've been meeting men who are hurting. Some have been married for years; others are relatively newlywed - 2 years and under; some were actually never married but were in relationships headed for marriage but somehow got derailed on the way to the altar.

All of these situations seem to have a common thread - the pain is very real. And seemingly, because of certain societal expectations, many of these men have a difficult time dealing with their emotions. They have challenges trying to reconcile their true emotions with stereotypes such as "real men don't cry."

Perhaps, as you read this, you're a man dealing with the new normal - life without the person you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with. And perhaps you think that your situation is unique and no one else is feeling the turmoil that you're experiencing now. It could very well be that as you read these words, you see this as your last glimmer of hope in your state of hurt. Maybe you’ve seen your life savings and investments wiped out in a maze of attorney fees, child support and alimony payments. And perhaps for the first time in your life you find yourself sitting on a psychologist’s couch  sharing your innermost feelings.  

With all of this in mind, I've decided to share these words that I believe will be an encouragement to you. You see, I can very much relate to the pain and disappointment that comes with the ending of what I thought was the relationship of a lifetime. If you should meet or speak with me, what you might witness on the surface is lots and smiles and laughter. But if you look a bit further, you'd see that beneath the outer surface are the battle scars from past relationships gone wrong. The wounds have healed for years and I've come through the storm just fine. I'm now happily married with 2 kids. But still, I can very much relate to the present suffering of the hurting who I have the privilege of meeting.

I went through a divorce in the early 2000s. The marriage ended formally in 2002 but because we had a daughter - a 4 year old at the time - for the next few years it seemed that I was always dealing with some new post-divorce issue relating to her. On this blog, I've shared different posts about my own journey - posts such as:

The Story Behind the Upbeat Dad

The Awful Night 10 Years Ago That Led Me to Start The Upbeat Dad!

How I Could Have Become a Deadbeat Dad

The battle scars that I refer to go back to even before that marriage. In the mid-90s, I experienced the ending of the relationship with my college sweetheart. That might sound like no big deal today but at the time, it sent me into a tailspin because for 3 years we talked about the wonderful married life we would live together. And somehow it all seemed to fall apart overnight. As bad as that experience was, it paled in comparison to what came a few short years later - a messy divorce with a child involved.

All of this preliminary information on this post has brought me to the point of saying this: life goes on after relationships end. And if we take the right approach, we can come through the storm virtually unscathed, with an even better outlook on life.

Each time that a relationship ends, I believe that we are left with 2 basic choices: yearn for the rekindling of that relationship or move on with the rest of our lives. As fundamental as that sounds, in practice, it's not always such an easy choice. When people don't recognize the simplicity of these choices, sometimes what results can be quite alarming - things such as:

- depression
- domestic violence
- drug and alcohol abuse
- suicide
- murder
- murder suicide

Extreme, though these may sound, believe me when I tell you that, under the right circumstances or wrong circumstances, I should say, even the most warm, gentle, kind-hearted person can be so negatively affected by a broken relationship that these issues become associated with them.

Having had disappointing ends to a few relationships I can say with certainty that it's better to move on. The harsh reality is that we can't control other people so, regardless of how we may feel about the possible future of a relationship, it takes two people to make it work. And if one party is no longer interested, there's very little one can do to change them. We can wish and pray that there's a change of heart but unless there is such a change, we have to either move on or be stuck in a perpetual state of yearning for the past.

As men, we can be stubborn. And believe me when I say that I've dealt with some stubborn men over the past few years. Their wives or girlfriends leave and they are so determined to get them back that they adopt uncharacteristic behaviors in that pursuit. In some cases, they win them back. In other cases, when they are unsuccessful, they have a hard time moving on so they become bitter. As I went through my own divorce, a gentleman who mentored me told me, "It is better to become better than to remain bitter." (Read To Become Bitter or Better:The Choice is Yours for more about this topic.)

Here's something that has worked wonders for me. Just like when a loved one dies, we go through a period of mourning. And then, in time, we recover and move on with our lives. In the same way, I believe that it's best that we mourn the death of our relationships. It's difficult and very painful to see the love fade to the point of death; that's why the period of mourning is so crucial. But after the death and burial, it is best to resume living, slow though the process may be.

To become completely healed and whole after a broken relationship, I believe that forgiveness is necessary: forgiving the other person and forgiving yourself for any and all hurt. Forgiveness entails holding someone blameless, even if they can be blamed. Letting go and leaving them blameless is such a powerful tool because it releases us from the chains of bitterness. (Read Forgiveness: The Key to Healing After Divorce)

I know some people - both men and women - who are never quite the same after divorce. They live the rest of their lives thinking about the one that got away, rather than moving on and embracing the gift of life. I think it's best to move on, live your life and you'll be fine.

If you're a dad, keep in mind that divorce means you're no longer a husband but you'll always be a dad. Issues of custody and child support can be overwhelming but just know that through it all, you're always and forever a dad. That's one of the things that kept me sane throughout the turmoil that ensued following my divorce. That marriage ended 10 years ago - it's a distant memory. But our daughter's a wonderful, well-adjusted 14 year old high school freshman who still has the love and admiration of her mom and dad.

Here is something that has kept me going - and I believe that it can work wonders for you as well. After going through the ending of my marriage, I thought how good it would be if, after the storm subsided, I could encourage other men who experienced a similar plight. My experience wasn't for me alone - it was for the hundreds and thousands or even millions of men and women who are left with the choice of picking up the pieces and moving on or being forever stuck in a rut because of the pain caused by divorce.

The vast array of family law issues that can really be a financial and emotional drain on even the most optimistic person. So as you come through the storm - as you certainly will - strengthen those who also deal with these unique feelings.

Today, I'm in a much better place. I've had custody of my daughter for the past 5 years. I'm happily married to a wonderful woman and we have a precious 2 year old son. I know all this would not have been possible had I not made the choice 10 years ago to let go of the pain and move on.

I would have never had the insight to start the Upbeat Dad Organization without some of the lessons that I learned in that very challenging chapter of my life. Perhaps you can do something similar after making it through your storm. Or maybe you have family members or friends or co-workers who experience the hurt that comes with divorce. You can help them to get back on the right track. My point in all this is that the experience isn't for you alone - it's meant for you to strengthen others.

I hope that this post has been an encouragement to you. Life is a precious gift and although divorce is something that many of us experience, it doesn't have to mean doom and gloom. As you come through it all, devote yourself to making it through the storm and coming back stronger and better than ever. You can and you will, if you embrace the principle shared here. I'm pulling for you and so are many others throughout the world.

Enjoy the rest of your day.

The Upbeat Dad