How to Effectively Parent Your Teens

Last weekend our daughter finally crossed that long elusive threshold - she's now officially a teenager! It's been a long time coming. She's looked forward to reaching that milestone for quite some time now. Now it's finally here! So, then, now what?

Well, believe it or not, I'm a former teen. It seems like a distant memory but not long ago, I got to that exciting, yet scary phase of life. I know that these next several years will be a time of transition for each of us - for my daughter, her mom, her stepmom (my wife) and for me.

I'd love to think of myself as a wise adult who's always had it together but the fact is that when I was a teen, I was a child who did childish things. Those years, however, prepared me to become a man. And though I've had my challenges along the way, I think I've done just fine.The lessons I learned about that time period, I believe, have helped to prepare me for this window that's just now opened for me - parenting a teen.

This is an entirely new experience for me so I greatly anticipate what these next few years will bring. Think about this, over the next 7 years, if things take their normal course, here's what I'll be dealing with. My daughter will:

- go to high school
- get her driver's license
- go on her first date
- go to her high school prom
- go off to college

And that's just skimming the surface of what lies ahead. Sounds exciting, doesn't it?

The road that lies ahead is actually exciting, in a sense. Yet, it's also daunting, as I think about the reality of it. So as I consider my role in this new phase of her life, I want to share some thoughts on parenting teens. As I write this, I recognize that I'm in the audience as well. So I'll be giving tips to myself to be implemented over these coming years.Here are some tips that I believe will work wonders:

1. Recognize the changes taking place in your teen. The teen years are the necessary transition period between childhood and adulthood. Life is about growing and evolving as time goes on. Our kids have an inner mechanism built in to enable them to become who they really are. So give them the space to become who they naturally are.

2. Give them their space. Quite likely, not long after the teen years, most of our kids will either go off to college or move out to live independently. So as they prepare to take on the world, we need to give them the tools to succeed and then allow them to develop their skills.

3. Keep the lines of communication open. Knowing how to talk to your teen is an acquired art form that few master. Just know that, to your teens, you're a parent. Not everything in their life will be an open book to you. Still, as a parent, you need to know as much as possible. Keeping the lines of communication open is key. Encourage open and honest dialogue without being judgmental.

4. Monitor their online activities. This tip is so crucial in today's world of social media and technological advances. As a loving parent, you need to give your teens space to become their true selves. At the same time, you don't want them to go astray. They may not think it's cool but if they're on Facebook and other social media, you need to become their "friend" or " follower". In our world, kids are exposed to so much. So we need to be protective of them while allowing them to blossom into what they can become.

5. Know the company they keep. People are known by the company they keep. So what kind of friends do your kids have? Do you approve of them? Are they the ideal type of influences you want on your kids? What are your kids' friends parents like? Do they share the values that you establish in your household? Do they allow underage drinking at family gatherings? Simple things like these will clue you in about just who's influencing your kids.

6. Note the changing nature of your conversations. As time progresses, the dialogue between you and your kids necessarily changes. Initially, it's a parent to child conversation. Over time, it evolves into adult to adult dialogue. Speak to your kids with respect, while still being a parent.

7. Allow them to make mistakes. Remember when you were a teen? You made mistakes, right? It is ok for them to err. But we should be in tune with them and their activities so that we can still parent them through each phase. Some of the best lessons are learned from our slip ups. So don't judge them or be too harsh. Be always ready to embrace the teachable moments that present themselves when they make mistakes. It'll help them to grow immensely.

8. Teach them to embrace their individuality. Peer pressure is one issue that every teen encounters at one point or the other. "If everybody does it, then what's wrong with it?" they might say. The stereotypical comeback to that is, "If everybody jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?" Unfortunately, peer pressure would cause some to jump off that bridge. The more our kids celebrate their uniqueness, the less they give in and compromise their standards just so they can be accepted. They can choose to fit in with the "flock" like just another seagull or they can chart their own course like a mighty eagle.

9. Teach them to effectively manage money. Money is a tool that is used universally. "Needs" as well as "wants" are satisfied by it. Many men and women have failed in life as a result of their inability to effectively manage their finances. 


My daughter's 8th grade class recently went on a field trip that was more valuable than I could have imagined. She went to an establishment that's set up to teach kids about life and responsibility. She had a job and was given a budget to manage her household. She and her other classmates learned that it's not quite so easy buying clothes and fun gadgets for the kids while buying groceries and paying the mortgage, rent, car note, utility bills, credit cards and all. She came home that day and hugged me, saying, "Thanks Daddy - now I know what you have to go through." Let's hope she's now ready to learn of all that it takes to effectively manage finances.

10. Love them unconditionally. No matter what should ever occur in your life or your kids' lives, do everything to love them unconditionally. If they bring home straight A's, it's easy to love them and celebrate. But what about when the D's and F's come home? What if they get hooked on drugs or begin abusing alcohol? What if you have to deal with the dreaded teen pregnancy issue? Yes,  love them. 


You don't have to condone their every activity but part of the "parenting contract" is that you love them no matter what. Love gives you just the right words to say when your patience is tested. Commit that come what may, you'll lovingly support your teens. They're yours after all.

So there you have it. These tips are for you and me as we raise our not so little ones. It's an exciting road that lies ahead. It won't necessarily be all glamour. But if love leads the way then it'll be a beautiful ride.

All the best to you and yours.

The Upbeat Dad

Attention Teens: Dead Right is the Same as Dead Wrong!

The title of this post is a bit intense, isn’t it? Well, I hope it gets your attention as much as it did mine when I first heard it. I was a 16 year old high school sophomore when I learned what these words meant. And they have literally saved my life.

As a teenager I wanted the independence of being able to drive. So my parents enrolled me in a driver’s education class. The first part of the class was all theory. After I passed that phase, I went on to the next phase – road practice. At the end of the last class before we moved on to actually getting behind the wheel, our instructor said those words that have guided me as a driver the past two and a half decades.

What do you think those words mean? Initially, I wasn’t sure. But then after he explained it, it made perfect sense. What he explained to us is that as new drivers, we had to be careful at all times. We have to drive for ourselves as well as the other drivers on the road. We also have to drive for pedestrians. Because if we get into an accident of any sort, if we die, we’re dead. It doesn’t matter who was right or wrong: dead right is the same as dead wrong.

He taught us that the car is a great device but it can also be a lethal weapon, therefore we ought to drive defensively. Assume that other drivers are distracted. Assume that they will run red lights. Assume that pedestrians will walk into on-coming traffic. Just assume the worst and then prepare to avoid collisions at all costs.

I raise this issue in this post because many of us as parents have teenagers who are just beginning to drive. And as we know, teenagers “know” everything. They know just what they’re doing and we ought to just leave them alone and let them do their thing. During my teenage years way back in the ‘80s, we didn’t have the many distractions that we have today. No cell phones, no texting and driving, no iPods, no GPS. It was just us and the road.

Here are some alarming statistics from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention: 

• Motor vehicle crashes are the leading cause of death for U.S. teens, accounting for more than one in three deaths in this age group.
• In 2009, eight teens ages 16 to 19 died every day from motor vehicle injuries. 

• Per mile driven, teen drivers ages 16 to 19 are four times more likely than older drivers to crash.
• In 2009, about 3,000 teens in the United States aged 15–19 were killed and  more than 350,000 were treated in emergency departments for injuries suffered in motor-vehicle crashes.

These statistics are just an indicator of the fact that teen driving is a matter that we as parents ought to take seriously. 

There are so many potential distractions as we drive today. And for teens, these distractions often result in disastrous outcomes. They text and drive routinely. They travel in groups and talk and laugh while navigating their way through traffic. They also engage in daring acts such as drag racing.

When I was a teenager, I recall a friend and co-worker of mine was driving me home after we got off our late shift (about 2 AM) from a fast food restaurant. He just got a new high performance sports car from his parents.

He told me that the car could go really fast. In my ignorance I asked him to prove it to me. We were on a local road that had a 45 miles per hour speed limit. Would you believe that he got that car up to 140 MPH? I never felt as scared as I did that night. What were we thinking?

Now as a man I can look back and say how ridiculous that was. But at the time, we were just teenagers having fun. I did have fun - at least until we were flying down the street because I realized that one wrong move could have easily ended our lives.

Let me also mention the teenage drinking issue. In the United States, the legal drinking age in 21. But how many individuals actually wait until they’re 21 before having their first drink? I’m not proud of this fact but I think that I drank more before reaching the legal drinking age than I have since reaching it. This was particularly true during my early college years.

But one thing I never dared to do was drink and drive. That’s dangerous in so many ways. In December 2010, I wrote the post Put Down That Drink, Aren’t You Driving Home? In that post I highlighted the effects of driving under the influence of alcohol. It’s a very serious matter – one that ruins families.

Teenagers routinely drive under the influence of alcohol and drugs, endangering themselves, their peers and other drivers when they make these decisions. Some are fortunate to live to the point that they realize how silly those wrong decisions are. But many never get that chance simply because they put themselves in danger and end up losing their lives.

As a parent of a 12 year old daughter, I know that in a few years she will be driving. And I’m already giving her driving tips. I’ve given her the “dead right is the same as dead wrong speech” already. And as I drive, I show her practical applications of that teaching.

If you’re the father or mother of teens, do share this post with them. It’s a lesson that I believe will save lives. I’d much prefer that we annoy our children with our speeches and lectures about being safe drivers than deal with the alternative. No one wins when accidents occur.

I hope that this post is somewhat of an eye-opener. Dead right is, in fact, the same as dead wrong. Let’s share this message so that we minimize the likelihood that our kids or anyone in our sphere of influence learn this lesson the hard way. My intent is that this post will save our kids’ lives. We owe it to them to give them the best counsel as they begin to assume the responsibility of driving.

Do enjoy your day. And if you drive, please do so with the utmost caution today and always.

The Upbeat Dad