The Storm and The Calm: A Lesson for Divorced Parents

A couple of weeks ago I was contacted by a gentleman who attended one of our Upbeat Dad Community Forums. He has been going through a challenging time in his marriage and most recently, he and his wife separated. They have two young children, both under 5 years old. He wanted to get my perspective on his situation and to know of any insight that I could share.

As we sat and spoke, it became increasingly clear to me that he was living the life that I lived 10 years ago at this point. The situations are somewhat different but the similarities were striking. He invested his all into a relationship and now he’s seeing it crumble in front of his eyes. And in the midst of it all are his young children. I can certainly relate to that feeling  – wanting a relationship to work out but knowing quite well that it is likely over.

He is currently separated and based on what he shared with me, I really doubt that there’s any hope of saving that marriage. I wish that I could talk to his wife to see if there’s any hope of salvaging that relationship. I’m always for reconciliation, especially when there are kids involved – young kids, in particular. But this one, I think, is likely over. I told him that if they should go to the next step and file for divorce, things could get worse before they get better. There’s no telling just what might occur, especially if there are unreasonable demands made by either party. It can be an emotionally – and financially - draining experience for sure.

After about 2 hours of sitting and speaking with him, I realized something quite significant. As we started out the conversation, his perspective was that there was doom and gloom ahead. By the time we finished speaking, he had developed a different perspective – one of hope and optimism. I believe that, based on my own experience, I was able to let him know that, though he’s walking through a storm presently, if he maintains the right perspective, then inevitably, the calm will come.

I have shared my story on this blog in various posts, including The Story Behind The Upbeat Dad and The Awful Night 10 Years Ago That Led Me to Start The Upbeat Dad. Please read those posts to get a perspective on the journey I’ve taken. As you read, I hope that you understand the source of the passion that I have developed for seeing fathers engaged in the lives of their children.

Here’s the most important point I can make with this post: regardless of the difficulties that arise in a divorce, when there are kids involved, if we adopt the right mindset, things will ultimately turn out for our good and the good of our children. After the storm comes the calm, and life goes on.

I have seen couples fight for the assets acquired in their marriages – the house, the cars, the investments, the 401K, etc. I have also seen them fight for custody of their children and in the process, stoop to low depths to get their way. And I can tell you that in just about all of the cases, the persons who made decisions in the best interest of the children ultimately found themselves in a better position.

As I told the gentleman, I’m not an attorney so I can’t give legal advice. I can only give advice based on my own experience and the principles that I believe will put him in the most favorable position. So I told him to have the right focus. He and his wife have accumulated some assets – house, cars, and other material things. I believe that he should seek to divide these assets evenly. That’s the ideal, I believe. But sometimes in family court, things don’t quite work out that way.

I then told him, that when it comes to the kids, he should not compromise on the one factor that matters most – time with them. His wife wants him to have them every other weekend. The whole thing about “every other weekend,” I think is just wrong. Young kids cannot develop a close bond with a parent when they see him/her on what amounts to every 2 weeks. In my view, kids share the DNA of their parents 50/50 so when marriages end, the time shared between parents should also be 50/50.

I also advised him that, at no point, should he say anything negative regarding their mother in their presence. Some parents think that by saying the worst things about the other parent, that will give them an advantage in the eyes of the children. That might work in the short-run but, in time, it generally backfires. Children are smarter than we think. No matter how young they are, they know when the love of a parent is genuine. You may have heard the saying “love conquers all.” I have found that to be true, especially as it relates to the affection towards one’s children during divorce.  

One thing that stood out to me when I spoke with him was that he was going through inner turmoil. I recall that feeling but guess what? I was far removed from those emotions. It was a distant memory. Ten years ago this month my divorce was finalized and, believe me, at that time, I thought the world was coming to an end. I was living through a nightmare that seemed to get worst by the minute. The storm was raging then and even got worse in the next couple years after that.

But here we are today. Those emotions are all gone. Life has moved on. It doesn’t matter that I lost the house and just about all the material things we acquired. My focus was on my then-3 year old daughter. Today, I’m happily married to a wonderful woman and we have a gorgeous little almost 2 year old son. And my daughter is now 13 and she lives with us. The calm has come and I appreciate it so much more because I have the relative experience of the storm to put it all in perspective.

If you’re currently experiencing divorce and its effects, be encouraged. As the saying goes, “tough times don’t last – tough people do.” Keep focused on your kids and somehow things will all get aligned in your favor and theirs.

As I wrote this post, I was listening to Jimmy Cliff’s Greatest Hits. I think that a fitting way to conclude these words of encouragement come from the chorus of his song Better Days are. Check out these lyrics:

Better days are coming by and by

Don’t you get downhearted, don’t you cry

Troubles will be over, all our joys come over

Better days are coming by and by.

Encouraging huh? Indeed better days are coming. Better days are here for me and for so many others who have walked the road you’re walking now. And they will be for you too. Just hang in there because after the storms of life, comes the calm. We cannot always control the storms but if we keep focused despite the raging winds, we’ll come through on the other side just fine. Keep your head up and stay encouraged.

I hope that this was just that “picker upper” that you needed to make it through today. Now go out and make it a wonderful day!

The Upbeat Dad

A Lesson from Humpty Dumpty for the Divorced: Can you be put back together again?

During childhood, many of us learned the nursery rhyme about Humpty Dumpty. If you might recall, it goes something like this:

Humpty Dumpty sat upon a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men

Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

You see, Humpty was an egg – a fragile egg. And when he had his fall, nothing anyone could do could put him back together. He had permanent scars that caused him to never be the same again.

As I think about the divorce experience and its effect on men, women and children, I liken it to Humpty Dumpty and his plight. Many people go through the process and never ever recover. Some do recover but it takes years. Others recover but in the process they hurt others and leave scars on them that last a lifetime.

Despite what some may think, I don’t believe that divorce is something a typical person getting married plans for. Yet it happens every day and lives are ruined as a result. I have a friend who has been married 3 times. The first was to his high school sweetheart. After a marriage of over 20 years, they decided to go their separate ways. And since then, within a few years, he married and divorced twice. Now he doesn’t even consider dating because the thought of building a new relationship that might end in disappointment is just too much for him. His heart is fragile and might never become whole again.

With all this as a backdrop, let me share this with you: there is hope. I believe, quite strongly, that where there is life, there is hope. So if you’re reading this and you find yourself in the Humpty Dumpty state, let me encourage you with these words: You can be put back together again!

I write this not as someone unfamiliar with the emotions of divorce. Ten years ago, I went through an awful, bitter divorce – one that left me severely wounded. You can learn more about the experience in these posts: 

The Story Behind TheUpbeat Dad

How I Could HaveBecome a Deadbeat Dad

The Awful Night 10Years Ago That Led Me to Start The Upbeat Dad

Suffice it to say that for a long time afterwards, I struggled to put back the pieces of my heart and my life. It wasn’t easy by any means but today, I am back together again and so much stronger and better as a result.

There are specific steps I believe are necessary on this road to recovery from divorce. Here they are:

-          Forgive Your Former Spouse and Yourself. In order to embrace life after divorce, I believe that it’s necessary to permanently close the chapter of the marriage that ended. The first stage is forgiveness. It’s a two-fold process – forgiving your former spouse and forgiving yourself. Please notice that I didn’t say that your former spouse must forgive you or himself/herself. Forgiveness has to do with you – you have 100% control over that.

In the ideal scenario, both parties would forgive but that doesn’t always happen. Also, notice that I didn’t say anything about who was right or wrong. That’s ultimately irrelevant. To move on, forgiveness is what’s important. Learn more about this very critical step with the post: Forgiveness: The Key to Healing After Divorce.

-          Embrace Yourself. What do I mean by embrace yourself? What I mean is that you accept yourself as you are. This might take some work because for so many years, your entire identity has been wrapped up in your marriage. In a sense when divorce occurs, a part of you dies. In marriage, two hearts and lives become one. In divorce, as these lives go in different directions, each party has to become whole again – and that takes time.

One thing that worked for me was dating myself. How odd, right? Well, it worked wonders. I went out to dinner and sometimes to a movie and just had a ball. It was all about finding myself again and recognizing that I’m good company! Embrace yourself for who you are. Love yourself and just focus on the better days that lie ahead.

-          Don’t Be Too Quick to Enter New Relationships. During the process of courtship that leads to marriage, it takes time to get to know the other person. After divorce, it takes time to find yourself again. And in this process, having a new love interest too quickly can spoil a very necessary phase. Some people enter new relationships and end up subconsciously having unrealistic expectations of the new person to fill the void created with the divorce.

Did you know that the more people get married, the more likely they are to become divorced again? Research shows that over 75% of 3^rd marriages will end in divorce. Take time to get back in the game – courtship and so on – and eventually, the right person will come along and you’ll be truly prepared to make a lifetime commitment. Till then, love yourself and enjoy yourself.

-          Focus on the Children. If you have kids, I believe that focusing on them and their best interest is key throughout divorce and in the aftermath. When no kids are involved, no matter how messy divorce becomes, when it’s over, it’s over. When kids are involved, it goes on forever – because you have to deal with the person who you no longer get along with, just for the kids’ sake. Being a parent is a lifetime commitment and in my view, is the most important role anyone can play.

The children should be given significant consideration in each decision that you make as you move on. Whether you relocate, date, remarry, etc., each decision has potential consequences – negative and positive – on the kids. So make sure you give them adequate consideration in all you do.

-          Enjoy Your Life. Ok, this might sound cliché but since it’s the last point, I’m gonna say it anyway: Enjoy your life! Do you know that you have only one life to live? And when it’s over, it’s over. You don’t want to live out your post-divorce years as a mean, bitter person? That’s not you – you’re better than that! You may have heard it said that hurt people hurt people. When you’re healed and whole again, you can enjoy life as you never have before. Waking up each new day with a sense of hope and promise is something to live for. I recall 10 years ago at this very moment, I was at the beginning stage of my divorce. And boy was it heartbreaking. Waking up was a chore because I knew I had to deal with the reality of the situation.

Over the years, I’ve learned to embrace each new day as a gift. Now I’m happily remarried with a new son. And my daughter (from my first marriage) lives with us. You can read The Story of My Blended Family to learn about how it all came together. In all of this, I can say that my former marriage and divorce seems to fade in my memory. I’m no longer controlled by the awfully bitter emotions that so dominated my life then. Life has moved on. And I have moved on and I’m so much better for it.

I hope that this post has been an encouragement to you. It’s very real and I believe that one can benefit immensely from each of these steps. There’s so much more to it, I know but these simple steps can be implemented to get going in the right direction. Do share this with those who you think would stand to benefit. I believe that as we share with others, the positive, life-changing message can impact others in a meaningful way.

Divorce happens. Life happens. Some of it we can control; some of it we can’t. Still, we don’t have to live like Humpty Dumpty and be scarred for life. By living by some simple, key principles, the pain that comes from divorce will eventually become a key inflection point to launch us into the best years of our lives. You can be put back together again and live the beautiful life that you deserve to live.

Do enjoy your day.

The Upbeat Dad

The Awful Night 10 Years Ago That Led Me to Start The Upbeat Dad!

This blog post has been literally a decade in the making. Please note the date it was posted: October 3, 2011. The date October 3 is quite significant to me. Why? Well that's the purpose of me writing this today.  

If I had to trace the origins of the Upbeat Dad to a particular date, without doubt, I'd say October 3, 2001. Yes, it was a decade ago today that this organization had its true birth. But, as you'll read shortly, it was not a glamorous birth with fireworks and a big celebration. On the contrary, it was the worst day of my entire life. Now, 10 years later, I look in the rearview mirror and can candidly say to you that that date was a key inflection point in getting me to where I am today as a man but more importantly, as a father.

Ok, so what happened on that date? Well, it was a Wednesday. My marriage was in its 5th year and clearly we were having our challenges. My then wife had traveled out of town with our daughter 2 weeks before. Our daughter's 3rd birthday came and went without me getting to even send her wishes over the telephone.

The night before they left to travel out of town, we were in a marathon counseling session. The thought of divorce and separation was never an option for me. And particularly when I consider that a young child was in the home, I was fully committed to making the relationship work. But I learned the very difficult lesson that it takes 2 parties committed to a relationship to make it work. Otherwise, it becomes an exercise in futility. 

In the 2 weeks that they were away, there were a number of things that appeared strange to me. First, the out of town trip was supposed to be for only 3 days. There was so little communication between my former wife and me that for days, I had no idea where she and my daughter were. When I called her workplace, I was told that she no longer works there. Now, I knew something was terribly awry.

That Wednesday morning I was at work when I got a surprise call from my former wife. We hadn't spoken in days. She told me that she's back in town and wanted to bring our daughter by the office to say hello. The whole thing seemed strange to me - especially when I consider that I learned from a mutual friend of ours that she had come back in town a few days before.

I thought that my daughter seeing me for a few minutes while I was at work after not seeing me for 2 weeks wasn't the best thing for her. So I just asked that they come home that night or at least meet me after work so my daughter and I could bond. There was never a discussion about separation or divorce or anything of the sort. So although that 2 week period was odd, to say the least, in my view, we weren't separated.

Well, I didn't know what my ex's intentions were but I told her where we could meet that evening after work if she didn't want to come to the house. Our brief conversation ended with her telling me that she'd call me back. I never heard from her so that evening I went to the place where I suggested we'd meet. She didn't turn up.

So that night I was at home alone, as I had been for the previous 2 weeks. A cousin of mine was visiting from overseas and late that night he and some other cousins stopped by the home to say hello. We talked and laughed and had a really nice time. Then I got on the piano and started playing while we collectively sang. It was such a wonderful, beautiful family time.

At approximately 11 PM while we were singing, I thought I heard the doorbell ring. I paused. Then I heard the ring again followed by a knock on the door. We stopped singing and then I went to the door to see who it was. When I opened it, there were police officers. "Police officers? Why? What was this about?" I wondered.  

That night I was served with an injunction for protection against domestic violence – a restraining order, if you will. It was filed that morning by my then-wife shortly after she called me at work. I got to read a lengthy document that was filed with the court that day with different allegations of domestic violence. I was not allowed to contact her in any way - by phone or through another person. I couldn't go within 500 yards her. If I did, I'd be immediately arrested. Wow! I was numb.

  

I took a deep breath and said to the officers, "We have a 3 year old daughter; what does the paperwork say about her?" "No contact either," they replied. I read about how my daughter needed legal protection from me. The thought of the whole thing was just sickening. 

The officers told me, "Your wife got the house." "What does that mean?" I replied. "That means you have to leave NOW! We'll give you 20 minutes." Thankfully my cousins were there with me. We took whatever we could in the time given to us - clothes and some other stuff. We had a court hearing scheduled 2 weeks from that date so I had to figure out where to live and what to do until then.

That night was simply horrible. I went to my cousins' home afterward, trying to figure out what to do. As the reality of what just happened began sinking in, I started to cry. And boy did I cry like a baby – practically all night.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think it possible that such a situation could take place - not in the United States of America. There was never ever a hint of domestic violence in our home at any point. That issue was never brought up or considered in any counseling session. It was never, ever an issue at any point. So how could I have been kicked out of the home late at night for something that never happened without even having a chance to give my side of the story? Was that even possible?

The worst thing is that before I could even answer to any of the awful allegations, I would have been out of the house 2 weeks already. The whole thing was indescribable. I never knew such a thing was possible - yet, it was my reality. I learned the very hard way that what I experienced was just some legal maneuvering that many individuals do in an attempt to gain the upper hand at the beginning of the process to end a marriage.

My sister and her family welcomed me into their home while I adjusted to this new phase of life and tried to work through the legal process. A few days later, I received divorce papers. By that point, I was already so numb I just took it in stride. Two weeks later was the initial court hearing.

I knew the marriage was clearly over. I was only interested in seeing my daughter and remaining as involved in her life as I always was. When I got the legal clearance to see her, when she saw me, after she ran into my open arms and hugged me, she said, "Daddy, I'm sorry I yelled at you; can you come home now?" What a tear jerking moment.

For the next 10 months, at least once a month, I was in court dealing with the formal ending of that marriage. I learned firsthand how biased the family law system can be. I shared my experience in the post How I Could Have Become aDeadbeat Dad. It was really biased and in my view, my daughter would have been the loser if I had not been proactive throughout the process. She needed (and still needs) her dad and mom to become her very best. The judge didn’t appear to see it that way so I had to do what I thought was in her best interest.

My focus when that chapter began was my daughter. And as the legal proceedings went on, she remained my focus. As it turned out, I really went through the wringer, as the expression goes. I lost everything – savings, the house and its effects, etc. I only had my car and my clothes. I lived with my sister and her family for 18 months as I got back on my feet.  

On the night of Wednesday, October 3, 2001, my life got turned upside down. But it set me on a new path. The Upbeat Dad originated with the painful experience that began that night. And as time has transpired, I’ve become more fortified in my stance to be a loving dad regardless of the circumstances.

I now know from firsthand experience why so many families are ripped apart by the family law system. I learned why so many dads end up bitter after dealing with a system that seems to function in an oppressive way. Yet, here we are 10 years later. My daughter lives with me. And I now have a wonderful wife and a new young son.

My story could have turned out so different. Some have gone through less than what I've gone through and ended up worse. I also know that some have gone through worse than I have. The simple fact of the matter is that families all over the world go through their challenges and unfortunately, kids are often the true casualties when the dust settles. 

A year ago this week, I launched the Upbeat Dad blog for the sole purpose of empowering others – men, women and children – with the message that kids need their dads. Our vision goes way beyond the blog. We’ve already launched the next phase with our Upbeat Dad Community Forum. And in the coming weeks and months, we’ll roll out more of what we’ve been working on behind the scenes for much of the past 10 years. It’s all about the family and I believe that dads, moms and kids will benefit immensely.

I hope that this post has been enlightening and encouraging to you. In one of my poems I wrote:

Don’t be fooled by the smile that I wear

For each smile you see has cost me a tear.

I smile a lot these days but the smiles have come after some very real pain. I don’t mind being transparent and sharing because I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s had such a challenging experience. I hope that the story in its entirety – not just the setback but also the comeback – will encourage others.

Do share this with those who you feel would benefit from this testimonial. Life has a way of throwing us lemons. We always have a choice of whether to suck on the lemon and be bitter or figure out a way to become better. I’m glad I made the better choice – my daughter is so much better for it. Now my reward is having her, my wife and my son in my life. Oh, and by the way, another reward is The Upbeat Dad and its mission. How satisfying!

It started out ugly but it’s turned into a beautiful story. I believe that many more such beautiful stories will result when people opt to make the better choice for their kids. That’s the essence of why I share this. 

Do enjoy your day and please always and forever be “upbeat” for your kids.

The Upbeat Dad

Why We’re Having the Upbeat Dad Community Forum

Last October, we started the Upbeat Dad with the purpose of touching lives around the world. And as I shared in the post from last week Thursday, 10,000 Hits Milestone and Countdown to Upbeat Dad Community Forum, we have exceeded expectations in terms of our reach. Every continent on planet earth is tuning in on a daily basis – except for Antarctica. I’m not too sure if they have the internet there  anyway! But it’s really caught on quite well on a global basis.

If you look at the history of our posts, you’ll get the sense that I have a large vision for making a difference in the world through this organization. You’ll also see that though I love to write and demonstrate that by doing a post every day, I’m more a person of action. So our community forum which will be held next week Thursday, February 10^th in South Florida is a significant action that we’re undertaking. Please see the post referenced above for details of the event.

Recently I’ve told some persons who have contacted me about the forum that we have enough problems in our world and in our homes for me to just identify the problems and talk or write about them. Talk is cheap – isn’t that what they say? Yes, talk is cheap. I want to do something to solve these many issues that plague the family because I believe that, with all the different issues that we identify, everything seems to lead to one conclusion – children get the short end of the stick when fathers aren’t involved in their lives.

Some dads don’t care to be involved in any way, shape or form. They helped to create the kids but they want no part of raising them. I’ve heard some use the term sperm donor to describe these men. Other men do want to be involved but the system discourages them because of the way it functions.

Two weeks ago, I spoke with a family law attorney who has practiced over 25 years in South Florida. She’s actually going to be speaking at our forum next week. She told me that the law, as it is written, is fair to both parents and the kids. But the way it is practiced is one-sided and biased against men. Women most often get their way – and though it might appear that it’s the men who lose, it’s the kids who are the real losers when the court becomes involved.

Let me emphasize that she is a practicing attorney and a female. And with her extensive experience, she has seen the inner workings of the system from the perspective of her clients – both male and female. So she has more credibility than most to speak on this matter. And she’s saying what most people who have been involved with the system believe.

As I wrote in the post The Great Oxymoron: Family Law, I believe that the very system that is supposed to be pro-family is the one that destroys families on a daily basis. I’m a man so I see things more from a male perspective. But can I tell you something? I’m not on the side of men. Neither am I on the side of women. I’m on the side of our children all around the world. The Carpenters sang, “Bless the beasts and the children, for in this world they have no voice.” That is so profound and so true. In the courtroom, they have no voice – yet decisions are made that impact their lives in a profound way.

So I have decided to use the Upbeat Dad organization to serve as a buffer between the law and our children. In other words, I want the children to be protected from the potential negative impact of decisions that they have no role in making. So I guess you can say that I’m a child advocate more than anything.

In our post Announcing the Upbeat Dad Community Forum, I likened the concept of the forum to the ground campaign in military combat. With over 10,000 hits on the blog in less than 4 months, the air campaign has gone quite well. But the ground campaign is where the victory is won. Having a productive exchange of ideas in an open forum is the key to solving our issues.

I don’t expect everything in the forum to be smooth sailing. It's an open and honest discussion on fatherhood. Fatherhood and all issues related to the topic affects men, women and kids. At this event, we want men and women - whether or not they are parents - to come out and share their unique perspectives.

I know that people are passionate and some wear their emotions on their sleeves as they display their passion. That’s why as we have the forum next week, I will emphasize the need for a respectful exchange of thoughts. I’m not trying to reenact the scenes from some of the controversial talk shows we see on TV. A respectful, healthy exchange of ideas in an open forum will, in my opinion, be an enlightening experience for all.

The theme of our event is, “Where are our fathers?” Here are some of the questions that we will be asking at this event: 

• Absentee father syndrome: Where are our fathers?
• How fair is the family law system?
• Why parents use children in a game of tug of war?
• Does the family law system promote the deadbeat dad syndrome?

Each of these questions could be the title of a book. You could really open a can of worms with each one. But the reality is that these issues are the very ones that we have identified that cause our fathers to be missing in action. This is why I believe that they must be looked at.

I do plan to have these forums in different cities throughout the United States and in time, overseas. Fatherhood is a global issue and ours is a global vision. So without doubt, very soon we will be taking the show on the road, as the expression goes, to the nations of the world.

If you are not able to attend our forum, fear not. We have secured the services of a video company and they will be taping the event. So you’ll see clips of our forum at your leisure. Stay tuned for more on that after the event. It’s all about sharing a message so I’m excited to share this with you even though you may be at a distance.

So I revisit the issue raised in the title of this post, “Why we’re having the Upbeat Dad Community Forum.” It’s all about our kids and what’s in their best interest. Collectively, we can identify, analyze and solve these problems. And the winners will be our kids.

If you’ll be in South Florida on February 10^th, we’d love for you to join us. We’re going to have a good evening – one that I strongly believe will be a catalyst for positive changes in our homes and in our lives. I can think of no better cause than one in which we do what’s best for the most innocent and vulnerable among us – our children. That’s something that ought to make us excited.

Please join us in this bold endeavor. Because our children are worth every effort we make.

Have a wonderful and productive day.

The Upbeat Dad

Is Paying Child Support a Privilege or Punishment?

For most of my life, I have heard the term child support. To me, when I heard it, there always seemed to be a consistent theme. Whether it was during my childhood in Jamaica, growing up in Houston, Texas or living as an adult in Miami, Florida, the term child support was always used in a negative sense. How often have we seen headlines of a deadbeat dad who’s been jailed for not paying child support? In mid-2010 I saw the news headline, “World’s Worst Deadbeat Dad Jailed for Owing over $200,000 in Back Child Support.” There always seemed to be a negative connotation with that term.

When I first got married in the mid 90’s, to me, just like my parents (who’ve been happily married for over 45 years) we would be married “till death do us part.” Unfortunately, that marriage didn’t make it to 6 years. We had a child, though – a lovely daughter. So when the dust settled, there I was sitting in court signing documents to pay child support.

And the demeanor of the judge just caused me to think that in her mind, I was being punished just like any deadbeat dad who so frequently walks into the courtroom. It didn’t matter that I was highly involved in my daughter’s life from the moment she was conceived – going to every doctor’s appointment, being in the delivery room, taking her to daycare, taking her to the park and so on. I was now divorced and I didn’t get custody so paying child support was my reality.

Upon further inquiry, I found out that the judge in my case became involved with family law because her previous job was going after dads who refused to pay child support. In hindsight, it didn’t surprise me that she seemed so hostile. Because not knowing any different, she likely perceived me as any other dad that she deals with on a daily basis. My mom always says, “The good have to suffer with the bad.”

In my post, What Exactly is Child Support?, I share my views on the topic. It is not a negative concept by any means. It’s literally supporting your child. The inherent flaw in that term, in my opinion, is that people are led to believe that child support is all about money. Certainly money is a part of the equation but in the big picture, it’s relatively minor. I could have committed to a life of making timely child support payments and never seeing my child and the court would have been happy with me – because I’d be a good dad.

But I go beyond that to ask the questions: Will I be there to mentor my child? Will I be there for her emotionally? Will I teach her the life lessons that have guided me? Will I help her with homework or go to PTA meetings? Will I be there as she begins dating to help her know the qualities she should look for in a man?

If I am absent from her life yet I make timely child support payments, to me, I am the ultimate deadbeat dad. Money can never buy the love and affection of our kids. Our kids are not problems that we just throw money at and they get solved.

To me, child support is the ultimate privilege. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve been supporting my daughter from the moment she was conceived. Money has been a necessary component but quite frankly, she has no idea about what money has been spent on her – during the former marriage and since that marriage. She only knows that she loves her dad and mom and they love her. And they both have been highly involved and active in her life since birth. To me, that is indeed the ultimate privilege.

Too often we read about dads that have to be dragged, kicking and screaming into court to pay child support. Too often, kids get the short end of the stick because men, in particular, refuse to support them financially or emotionally. Writing a check or getting a payroll deduction is simply the financial consideration. But there’s so much more to it.

I’m quite concerned that some dads pay child support only to avoid going to jail. How sad and unfortunate. I cannot comprehend that mentality. I know times are hard so making timely child support payments may not always be feasible. But to neglect our children emotionally is totally inexcusable, in my view. When I wrote post When Good Fathers Go Bad, a female reader made the following comment:

“Regardless of your relationship with an ex, children are the innocent victims. They need a mother and a father equally. There is no excuse to emotionally or financially abandon your child. The pain a child feels from the rejection of a family member is often carried with them for the rest of their lives.”

I could not have said it any better.

One other quick point I want to make about the topic of child support is that when our exes are mean-spirited and hard to deal with, I know it’s not always easy to write that check and send it to them. They could even deny us access to the children but as I always say, children are innocent in all of this. So we really should not withhold from them what is due to them – not money or anything.

I know men personally who struggle every time they write that check because they see it as them writing a check to their ex and in their view, she doesn’t deserve it. So let me share these words of encouragement – our children are our children. They have always been and will always be our children. Their mothers might put us through the wringer, as the expression goes, but our children are ours. Let’s support and take care of them – financially, emotionally and in every other possible way.

So as I close this post let me reiterate the answer to the question “Is paying child support a privilege or punishment?” It is the privilege of a lifetime! Today, my daughter is a well-adjusted 12 year old. She lives with my wonderful new wife and me. We now have a 5 month old son. And guess what? I pay my child support 24/7/365. My kids are my world and I enjoy every moment of being with them.

I often say that I do support fathers’ rights. But prefer to think of fatherhood as a privilege. What an awesome responsibility it is! I hope that each of us – dads and moms alike – embraces the concept of 24/7/365 child support because it leads to successful, well-adjusted kids of whom we can all be proud.

Enjoy a wonderful and productive day.

The Upbeat Dad

When Good Fathers Go Bad

Today's post is a bit provocative and somewhat controversial. But for the sake of kids across the world, I also believe it's necessary that we address the issue. I know that in sharing this post, at a minimum, we can initiate dialogue that can result in a positive outcome for families, especially our children.

Last week I was at a networking event. I was there representing my accounting firm (I'm a Certified Public Accountant - CPA). I was sitting at a table speaking with a group of people. And somehow we began discussing our families and our interests outside of our daily professions. After listening to others share their stories I took the opportunity to mention The Upbeat Dad and my vision for the organization. I was just meeting these people for the first time so I really had no idea about their lives and life experiences.

There was one lady who stood out above the others. She was more attentive and engaged than the rest. She even mentioned to me afterwards that she was tired from a long workday and was about to leave.  But when I began speaking, as she listened, she was captivated by what I was saying. The thought that a man started an organization to encourage fathers to be involved in their kids' lives was just fascinating to her.

She shared with me that she was married for 17 years but divorced about 5 years ago. Her marriage produced 2 children - a boy and a girl, both of whom are now teenagers. During the marriage, the kids and her former husband were close. He was involved in their daily activities - school, sports and other social activities.

As is often the case when marriages fall apart, the divorce was not a pleasant experience for that family. After the divorce became final, her former husband relocated and thus began a new chapter in their lives. According to her, her former husband became so cold and indifferent towards her and the kids that it's almost painful for her to talk about. He rarely ever contacts the kids for any reason. He's not involved at all in their lives other than the occasional phone call every month or so. He's become indifferent to them in just about every area.

When it comes to child support, that's lacking as well. According to her, even though she has the legal right to pursue him for the funds needed to help support the kids, she won't do so because it shouldn't have to take a court to force him to take care of his children. One of the most disturbing things she mentioned was that her son had a medical emergency and had to be hospitalized. She called her former husband to notify him. She left him a few voice mails with no response. It wasn't until a month later that he called to see how his son was.

In essence, this father has become a deadbeat dad. For some reason, based on his actions, when the marriage dissolved, in his mind, his role as a father also dissolved. No marriage, no wife, no children.

Before I go further let me say that I only heard her side of the story. Perhaps he would paint a different picture. I do know, however, that this story is not unique. It's not an isolated incident. Many fathers "divorce" their children simply because marriages and other relationships are over.

On this blog, I have shared different aspects of my personal experience. I strongly believe that the family court system is anti-family and is quite often anti-male. I even wrote a post with the title The Great Oxymoron: Family Law.

So I can say, based on my experience, I do understand why some men become bitter and walk away. They feel they have no rights in a system that functions against them. So they simply try to walk away, neglecting their responsibilities and obligations to their children. I don't share their sentiments but I do understand why they've become bitter, cold and indifferent. The unfortunate reality is that they handle their frustration with the system by essentially punishing the most innocent parties - the kids.

Fathers, I urge you, no matter what should occur in your relationships, to stand up for your children. You could feel cheated by the legal system. You could feel that you got a raw deal. But that has nothing to do with your obligation to your kids. They need your love and support and particularly when relationships fall apart, they need to be assured of your never ending love and devotion.

Child support is a part of the equation but there's so much more than that. The lady who I referred to earlier in this post said to me, "I don't even want him to send any money. I just want him to call the kids every now and then to say hello." That's a bad testimony about a father who, at some point, was close to his kids.

Collectively as fathers, let's do better. Let's create more upbeats and less deadbeats. We owe it to our kids and their mothers. We also owe it to ourselves. The following stanza from my poem Parenthood is Forever is so appropriate here:

Parenthood lasts a lifetime;
this truth you cannot doubt.
It's an unbreakable love-line;
once in you're never out.

Remember this: once a dad, always a dad. Let's keep this in mind and do what's right for our kids.

Have an excellent day.

The Upbeat Dad