My wife and I recently
welcomed a new baby boy to our family. We're now a family of 5 and we couldn't
be happier! We already had a 14 year old daughter and a 2 year old son. Now
this new addition just seems to make the picture complete! When we learned
that a new little one was on the way, we had a great degree of anticipation.
Along the journey, we knew that we couldn't take anything for granted. As many
women will tell you, each pregnancy is different. Some may be pretty smooth
while others can be physically and emotionally exhausting.
With all of this in mind, I wanted to ensure that I played my part, as best as I could, throughout
the 9-month process. I couldn't physically carry the child but I could be
supportive enough to make the challenge of carrying him as light as possible. I
wanted my wife to know that, just as before, I would be there, right beside
her, throughout each phase of the pregnancy and beyond. This brings me to the
purpose of this blog post. I share it because I believe it's a message that
each of us as dads can learn from. I write, not knowing the specifics of each
person’s situation. I only know my personal observation and I thought I’d share
a concern I have as a result.
Rodrick, wife and kids with newborn son |
So I began thinking –
why are these women alone? Where are the men? Is this the norm? Is it to be
expected? Some of these women struggled into the office, as they were in the
last phase of their pregnancies. Some came with their other kids and had to
deal with them in the waiting room before seeing the doctor. Some were clearly
stressed because of all they had to deal with physically and emotionally.
Just from the small talk
that my wife and I made with them as we sat in the waiting area, we learned
that, for the most part, these were happily married women. Certainly there were
those who weren't married. And some who, without really saying much, didn’t
have the ideal scenario in which to welcome a new child. All of these women,
with their varying circumstances, were being seen by the doctor without the
men.
Still puzzled about this
observation, I decided to ask some people why the men didn’t generally
accompany the expectant mothers of their children. I asked verbally and via social media –
Facebook and Twitter. Here’s a synopsis of the responses that I got:
- They have to go to work and their employers
would not give them the time off
- It is not necessary for them to be there
- In the culture of the United States, it’s not
something that men do
- The women do not have a problem with it
- The men only need to be there when there is a
major issue with the pregnancy and their input is needed
There was more that I
heard but these are the major reasons. The consistent theme in the responses
was that the presence of the men at these appointments was not a major
priority. It’s doesn’t necessarily mean that the women are not loved and cared
for; it’s just not something that was thought to be necessary and, for
the most part, both men and women are okay with that. I know I didn’t take a
scientific poll as they do in the political world. I’m sure there’s more to it
than just this. Still, I believe that my observation might be indicative of
what is commonplace – at least here in the US.
I won’t address each of
the reasons above specifically, but let me just touch on the one I heard the
most – work. I recognize that these doctor’s appointments are usually during
normal business hours – Monday through Friday, 9 to 5. I also recognize that
most people work during these hours so any visit to a doctor’s office – or any
other place, for that matter – requires taking time from work. Some employers
are inflexible and would not readily embrace one’s absence from work even for a
couple of hours. I really do understand this.
At the same time, I also
know that many of these women work outside the home. So they miss time from
work for these appointments. I also know that some men are self-employed or
have schedules flexible enough for them to go to the doctor to learn firsthand
how the process is going. Maybe it might entail giving up one’s lunch hour or
working late to make up the time. It might entail making a sacrifice. So the
question becomes – is it worth the sacrifice?
I cannot imagine not
being there at all for any of these appointments. The anticipation of each new
milestone was something that excited me. At 6 weeks we heard the heartbeat. At
20 weeks we saw him on the ultrasound and found out we were having another boy.
And after all of these appointments came the delivery of a child who, only a
few months before, could barely have been seen under a microscope. Witnessing
yet another child come into the world was something I considered an absolute
privilege. The expression “the miracle of childbirth” is true indeed. These
moments were absolutely priceless and I would not have wanted to miss them for
the world.
I often say that kids
really do need their dads. I believe that this need begins from the moment they
are conceived. Kids need constant care, love and devotion from both their moms
and dads from when they are in the womb. As our wives or the expectant mothers of
our children carry these little ones, I believe that we have an obligation, as
much as possible, to be a constant presence - at the doctor's office, at home,
wherever it may be. Our presence helps to lighten the load in what can
sometimes be a very trying, emotionally-exhausting experience.
I recognize that not
every pregnancy occurs under the ideal circumstances. I’m very much aware of
that. Still, I believe that if collectively, we put a greater emphasis on
prioritizing being there as constant sources of support, then the expectant
mothers of our children, along with the children, would feel our loving embrace
– both physically and emotionally.
My appeal is not simply
to encourage men to be present at doctors’ visits. It’s a call for a revolution
in our entire mindset regarding the process of bringing children into the
world. You’ve probably seen or heard of the stereotypical emotionally-disconnected
dads whose only significant role in the delivery of their children is to hand
out cigars to celebrate the birth. I don’t know if those dads still exist but I
would like our involvement throughout the pregnancy process to be nothing like the
image that we’ve seen portrayed at times.
Whether it’s keeping the
gas tank filled or doing the grocery shopping so our wives don’t have to stop
unnecessarily or taking over the cooking duties – at least temporarily – or
making those late night runs to the convenient store to help them satisfy an
impulsive craving for some food they haven’t had in years, there’s more we can
do. Believe me, it’s not all a bed of roses when we make these sacrifices. But
it works wonders and helps to solidify our presence in our wives’ and kids’
lives. This, I know from personal experience.
I don’t expect that each
reader will agree with my viewpoint. That’s no problem at all. But I hope that
you understand my heart in all of this. Children have the biological makeup of
a mother and a father and I believe that both parents have a significant role
to play in their development – and that role begins when they are in the womb.
Certainly, men and women have different parts to play throughout a pregnancy. I
just strongly believe that as men, there is more that we can do to demonstrate
our unconditional love and support.
I’d love to hear your
thoughts on what I’ve shared here. Feel free to leave a comment on this post.
Or you can share via our Facebook or Twitter accounts.
Childbirth is a true
miracle. Let us collectively commit to being more active participants in the
witnessing of this miracle!
Do enjoy your day.
The Upbeat Dad
Love this! I saw the same thing when I would go in to our appointments with my wife. What really broke my heart in your post were the dads who thought their presence was not necessary. As fathers, we have to stop talking ourselves out of our families! Regardless of the stage of fatherhood that we're in, we are always necessary. Thanks so much for the great words, Rodrick!
ReplyDeleteReading this blog and all of the comments shows me how much dad's care about their families. It's very encouraging to see this in a media world that presents fathers as careless or lazy (like everybody loves raymond). I know it's just tv but it still irks me to see so many shows that revolve around that theme...family guy, two and a half men, etc etc
ReplyDelete