A Holiday Season Appeal to Dads

At the Upbeat Dad Organization, the cornerstone of what we try to do is build long-lasting family relationships – primarily focusing on the father-child relationship. Based on our experience, when fathers are lovingly engaged in the growth and development of their kids, family bonds are stronger and kids tend to grow into well-adjusted persons who become positive influences on society. When dads are disengaged and neglect the responsibility of helping to raise the kids they help to bring into the world, the mothers have a greater burden in giving them all they need to become productive members of society.

While many of us celebrate the wonders of the family unit, I readily recognize that many do not enjoy those same wonders. Some find this season to be very difficult because of a variety of reasons. Many children do not quite know what it’s like to celebrate the season with their dads. And unfortunately, many of these dads just don’t get it – they don’t understand why they need to be around for their kids.

According to the National Fatherhood Initiative, each night 24 million kids in the United States go to bed without their biological father in the home. Without a doubt there are many reasons for this statistic. Therefore, there is no one solution to fix the problem. In some cases, the fathers are to blame; in other cases, it’s the mothers; in other cases, it’s the family court system; and the reasons go on and on.

With this brief post, I’d like to challenge dads to make a new commitment during this season. You may ask, “Why not address the moms? Or the court system?” I do address these at different points on this blog. But by nature, I believe that although there are forces that one cannot control, one should focus on that which he can control. So I try to empower fellow dads to work through the obstacles that do exist – with the family court system and with other forces – so that through it all, the father-child relationship is preserved. 

Earlier this year, I met a single mother while at a speaking engagement and she shared that the moment she told her boyfriend that she was pregnant, he disappeared and she has not seen or heard from him since then. As extreme as that situation may be, I believe that many of us men become emotionally - if not physically - distant when it comes to raising our children. We do not see ourselves as vital contributors to their upbringing so we disengage and watch from the sidelines, figuratively speaking.

As men, we are driven by accomplishment – in our education, our careers, in athletics, even in winning the heart of our favorite girl. We get a feeling of euphoria when we get that much desired raise or promotion; a sense of pride brings out that smile in us. We give each other high-fives when our fantasy football team has a great weekend!

When it comes to our roles as dads, however, far too many of us do not embrace the thought of accomplishment that comes with being active participants in the raising of our children. We willingly “burn the midnight oil” to complete projects that helps us shine in our careers but do not have the same zeal in helping our kids to complete their own projects.

We want them to become straight-A students but quite often we don’t have the patience to work with them along the way. My own daughter – now a 15 year old – struggled quite a bit in her studies when she was younger. I had a choice and I’m glad I chose to sit with her, then with her teachers, then with her tutors to get her on the right track. Today she makes good grades almost effortlessly. I believe it’s due in large part to the fact that she knew I cared about her success scholastically.

It is easy to be passive in our approach to fatherhood but I believe that such an approach inevitably yields undesired results. We set goals in our careers; why not set goals in our roles as dads? Why not set goals to spend more meaningful time with our kids? Why not set goals to be their strongest advocates as they look to see what they want to be when they grow up?

As we enter this holiday season, let’s do some self-examination and see what more we can do. Even as I write this, I know that I can do more. There is always more that we can do. I often say that our children are with us for a relatively short time; but that short time helps to determine how they will live the rest of their time on earth.

We cannot expect them to naturally gravitate towards success when we ourselves didn’t gravitate towards success in our studies and our professions. With hard work and determination, we succeeded. Let us now take the same approach – hard work and determination – to play our part in the success stories of our children.

May you and your family enjoy a wonderful  holiday season!

The Upbeat Dad

Dads, This Holiday Season Give Your Kids What They Long For: Your Presence!

Well, the holiday season is upon us again. My, my time flies does it? Seems like yesterday we were talking about new years resolutions. Now it’s season’s greetings all over again. If you dare drive by a mall anytime over the next few weeks, chances are, you’ll be in bumper to bumper traffic. Holiday shopping is the order of the day – and retailers are counting on a record-breaking shopping season.

All over the world, dads and moms find particular delight in getting the gifts that their kids have longed for. For some, it’s that new techy gadget everybody’s talking about - the iPad, iPhone or Wii. That would really make their Christmas dreams come true! For others, it’s some other hot new thing that is the talk of their school or neighborhood. This is just that time of the year when boys and girls of all ages can hardly sleep at night because they know their moms and dads are going to get them a special gift that they’ve longed for.

With this as the backdrop, I come back to the real world for a moment. You see, in the fantasy world, kids' dreams come true; they not only get the special gifts they've longed for, but they also come from happy homes where they get the love and emotional support that they desire. In the real world, however, more than 50% of all first marriages end in divorce. And when kids come from such marriages, their happy homes become broken homes and more often than not, they spend relatively little time with their dads.

Did you know that in the United States, approximately 24 millions kids live in a home without their biological father? The reasons for this are unique to each situation but the bottomline is that these kids do not enjoy the daily involvement of their dads in their lives.


This Christmas and holiday season, with all the joyful celebrations that abound all over the world, my heart and mind are with these children – the ones who, due to no fault of their own, don’t have their dads. So my Christmas wish for these kids is this: instead of the very costly presents that they are often showered with, I’d love to see them get the present that has lifetime implications – the presence of their father in their lives.
 
I know the difference that a father’s loving hand makes. My father has always been – and continues to be – a positive influence in my life. Earlier this year, my parents celebrated 47 years of marriage. My father has been an integral part of my development and that of my siblings from our births.

I also know from going through the formal education system that children without fathers in the home just don't perform quite as well as others. And as life progresses, these children become adults and they face a world that, in many ways, is dominated by males, without having the positive influence of the most essential male in the life of a child - their dad.

The repercussions of this can be significant. Did you know that a disproportionate number of prisoners grew up without a father? Did you also know that not having a father present in ones life increases the likelihood of dropping out of school, becoming a teen parent, ending up in poverty? This is just the reality of the situation.

With this post, I appeal to fathers - absentee fathers, in particular - to make it a priority to connect with your kids. Make your present to them this holiday season your presence in their lives. I've written a number of posts on this blog to help. For this topic, read Helping Fathers Connect with Children They've Neglected to learn some tips on establishing that bond.

I also appeal to those who I refer to as the absentee dad living at home. This father is the workaholic type who's always so busy working and getting ahead that his kids grow up under his roof but see him as a stranger. He leaves early in the morning and comes home late at night. The weekends are spent on the golf course or with his buddies. Then when all he cares about is over, he makes time for the kids - whatever little time is left.

I've said repeatedly that we show our kids we love them with the 4 letter word: T-I-M-E. Time spent with them is more precious than any techy gadget. Right now, I can hardly remember any gift I got for Christmas as a child. But you know what I remember? Playing sports with my dad. I remember going for our family Sunday afternoon drives to no place in particular. I remember going to Luby's cafeteria as a family during my teen years. These are the memories that live with me and encourage me to create similar memories with my own kids.


This post would not be complete without acknowledging the role that family law plays in the issue at hand. I believe that the way that the system functions tends to alienate dads from their kids. At least in the United States, courts seem to focus more on the financial support of fathers than the emotional support that bonding with one's child brings. I'm not unfamiliar with the emotional toll that this brings. I've experienced it firsthand and I know it's not easy to deal with.

The environment that the family law system has created, in my view, lends itself to abuse by women who care little about the relationship between father and child. I still insist, however, that despite the innumerable obstacles that are encountered along the way, the love of a father prevails over any legal or other obstacle that might arise. It's love that gives a dad the strength to deal with a biased legal system just so that in the end, he maintains a strong relationship with his kids.

Fatherhood is a wonderful institution. Those of us fortunate enough to be dads should embrace the role wholeheartedly. Kids don't ask to be conceived. They have no choice about the homes they're born into or the circumstances that led to their conception. They come into the world as vulnerable as can be. But with the right guidance by loving parents and others, they can grow to become the best they can be.

If you're a dad and this post has spoken to your heart, starting today, do something to help your kids enjoy a closer, more memorable relationship with you. Get them all the gifts you want this holiday season. But just know that no amount of material presents can equate to your presence in their lives.

I'm rooting for you as you take these steps. And I dare say, the world is rooting for you as well. Loving, actively-engaged dads involved with their kids is something that's welcomed and celebrated the world over.

Let's do the right thing and become the dads that our kids deserve. That would truly make this holiday season the most wonderful time of the year.

Enjoy your day.

The Upbeat Dad

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! I hope you've had a wonderful day with those you love. Today was a special day in so many ways. Our family got together and as usual, we had a great time with. This won't be a regular, thought-provoking post. There's plenty of time for that. I just wanted to chime in briefly to say Merry Christmas to each of you. I also realize that many of you don't celebrate Christmas so let me say Happy Holidays. Either way, I hope you've had a great season. And I hope you've had the chance to spend some quality time with your families.

You'll hear more in the coming days about how I spent this Christmas Day but for now I'll just say it was quite memorable. I write so much about creating lasting memories and today was one of those days. I feel specially blessed to have the family that I do. I'm quite aware that not everyone has a similar privilege so I'm just thankful and grateful to be surrounded by those that mean the most to me at the most wonderful time of the year.

How was your day? Did you go visiting? Or did family come over to spend the day? Did your Christmas dreams come true? If you're a regular reader of the blog you'll know that I encourage men to be involved with their kids, especially when the kids don't live with them on a daily basis. Today was a big opportunity to demonstrate that. If you're one of these dads, what did you do that made your kids' day? What presents did you buy? What time did you spend with them? Did you make that special phone call to let them know you're thinking of them? All of these a simply seeds being sown in your kids' lives to let them know that you value them greatly.

Today was a day to put your love into action. I hope you went beyond the call of duty and got an A for effort. It's not about how much money you spend - it's the fact that you consider your kids important enough to demonstrate your love for them in tangible ways. Love is a noun and also a verb. Verb suggests action so I hope you put your love into action today.

The holiday season is a special time of the year. Our kids will remember the events of this day for years to come. I hope that you helped them to have a pleasant, memorable time. There is so much that lies ahead in their lives. So I hope you're helping to create special, long-lasting memories for them.

I wish for you and yours all the best for the remainder of the season.

The Upbeat Dad

Creating Precious Christmas Memories

Tomorrow’s Christmas Day and as I write this, I’m sure many are relaxing, waiting for Santa and his reindeer to make their annual world tour all in one night. While others of us are hitting the malls in one last attempt to get those perfect gifts for our friends and loved ones before the malls close early.  

This is just an awesome and special time for families. Even those who don’t celebrate Christmas get into the season by getting together with friends and family and having a great time. It’s a time when we forget about our troubles and just look at everything that’s good in the world. It is indeed a precious time.

It’s funny how there are those here in South Florida who insist that they can’t get into the Christmas season because of the weather. They’re used to having a white Christmas with snow all around so having temperatures in the 70s and 80s makes it feel like summer to them instead of the season to be jolly. Then there are those like me who grew up in the tropics and Christmas time is shorts and t-shirt time. 

That was my life – Christmas on Christmas Island! I even remember when Santa came to a nearby town and I was thinking, “Wow, Santa could be anywhere in the world today but he chose to come to our small little island.” Ahh, the days of childhood!

I never really got into Christmas quite as much when we moved to Houston, Texas. I lived there for 14 years and though the presents and egg nog were great, the wintery weather – though not as cold and snowy as up north – was too much for me. Christmas is about dressing in shorts and t-shirts and possibly going fishing. That’s the life I knew.

What about you? What thoughts do you have on growing up at Christmas time? I’m sure many of my Florida friends are yearning to be up north where they’re from because you simply don’t have Christmas in the sun. This isn’t Christmas at all. But what traditions did you grow up with? Each family’s experience is different I’m sure. But for the most part, we have pleasant thoughts about family gatherings during this time.

How special it is when we can forget about the world and its problems and the economic downturn and just look at everything that’s right with the world. The love, the laughter, the meals – everything just seems to come together.

A large part of my vision for the Upbeat Dad is to encourage those who’ve been divorced. During the holidays, while everyone is having a jolly time, there are those among us who are hurting. I wrote two posts around Thanksgiving a month ago that tell of my personal experience when I was one of those hurting during the holidays while going through a divorce. It’s not easy at all. Here are those posts – Thanksgiving 2010 vs Thanksgiving 2001: What a Difference!  and Broken-Hearted And Alone During The Holidays? Cheer Up, There's Hope. 

When I think on those days, I smile because though I was experiencing some turbulence in my life, at Thanksgiving and Christmas, everything just seemed right. Our family got together and we laughed and joked and had a good time, forgetting about the challenges of the moment.

During this wonderful time, perhaps you might be facing some challenges. But as my mom always says, “Where there is life, there is hope.” Relax and take it easy these next few days and just think of everything that is good with the world.

Our kids are so special and precious. Whatever may be going on in your world, for this season, do your best to help them enjoy every moment. When they grow older, they’ll look back at their childhood and what they will remember most will be the festive occasions when friends and family got together and everything seemed right.

As dads and moms, we have a great responsibility. Our kids’ happiness is really in our hands. It’s not so much about the toys that we might get them wrapped under their Christmas tree – it’s about the love we share and demonstrate to them. That will impact them for a lifetime.

I know many kids have an empty feeling this Christmas season because their dad is nowhere to be found. And he didn’t even bother to call or send a present. That can scar a child for decades. Many kids grow up with an emptiness because though their mom was a supermom and a great provider, the void in them that can only be filled by a father’s love still remains. I can’t imagine what my life would’ve been like without either of my parents. I don’t even want to entertain the thought of having grown up that way because both my dad and mom helped to shape and mold me in ways that have had a lasting impact.

Many kids do not know what that life is like. I can understand that some fathers have passed away. I can also understand that many dads are bad influences on their kids and the kids are probably better off anyway. But for many kids, their lives would be better if only their dad would care to be involved in their lives. If you’re guilty of being an absentee dad, why don’t you make that phone call today. Or make a special trip to see your kids. And stop at the mall and get something to brighten their day. It’s not about getting something expensive – it’s the thought that counts. Our kids need us more than we may know.

I hope that this Christmas will be special for you and yours. It’s the most wonderful time of the year. You’ve worked hard this year. Now sit back and relax and enjoy some quality time with those you love. And if you haven’t been there for your kids, why don’t you make it right by starting today?

I wish you a Merry Christmas and everything that’s good for the remainder of the season. And I hope yours and your kids’ Christmas dreams come true.

The Upbeat Dad

In my childhood in Jamaica, my favorite Christmas album was one by the Lennon Sisters. There’s a song on that album that I just loved called Christmas Island. It sounded somewhat Hawaiian. Some of the lyrics were:

How'd ya like to spend Christmas on Christmas Island?
How'd ya like to spend the holiday away across the sea?
How'd ya like to spend Christmas on Christmas Island?
How'd ya like to hang a stocking on a great big coconut tree?

How'd ya like to stay up late, like the islanders do?
Wait for Santa to sail in with your presents in a canoe.
If you ever spend Christmas on Christmas Island
You will never stray for everyday
Your Christmas dreams come true.

US Postal Service Operation Santa!

Last week I went to the post office in my community to send some items. I ran into the manager of that facility and recalled that we met about 3 years ago at the book and CD launch of my project Poems of Inspiration: A Daily Dose of Self Motivation.

We spoke a bit about how things are going in our respective lives and vocations. I told her about The Upbeat Dad and the vision I have for it and the overall success of it thus far. And I'm so glad we started that conversation. This blog post is based on the very exciting subject we discussed that day.

The US Postal Service has recently launched Operation Santa. The purpose of this "operation" is to allow individuals to fulfill the wishes of needy children during the Christmas season. How does is work? It's really simple:

1. Children write letters to Santa telling him what they would like as a Christmas present. These letters are delivered to the post office.

2. Customers complete an application to select a child's Santa letter.

3. Individuals who submit the application receive a copy of the child's letter. (NOTE: To protect children and their privacy, all personal information, including name and address are blackened out.)

4. Individuals purchase the gifts and bring them to the post office where they pay for the postage to ship the items to the child.

5. The post office delivers the package from "Santa."

And that's about it!

When I learned of this operation I promised the manager that I would deliver the message to my readers. As you know, the economy has been through some rough patches. And some loving parents - particularly single parents - are having a tough time making ends meet.

In this, the most wonderful time of the year, it's not so wonderful for them. Their kids might not get a Christmas present this year. For many families, that's their reality.

Just this past weekend at my church, in our Christmas drama, I played the role of a Salvation Army collector who publicly had to put a smile on his face as he collected funds for the less fortunate. Meanwhile, he was an unemployed single dad who could not fulfill his teenage daughter's Christmas wish.

As I got into the character, I really began to experience the emotions of one in his situation. In real life, there are thousands of people with this plight. Whether it's through Operation Santa or another organization, I encourage you to brighten a child's life this Christmas season.

At The Upbeat Dad, we care about dads and moms. But especially, we care about children. You don't have to have much to give much. One of my lines this weekend was "a small amount goes a long way for those who suffer greatly during the holiday."

Please speak with your local post office about Operation Santa. Please also consider the various charities in your local community.

Thanks for considering others during this season of giving. I'll close with another of my lines from the drama this weekend, "It is better to give than to receive."

Have an awesome day.

The Upbeat Dad

A Few Thoughts As You Go Shopping!

Hope your weekend's off to a good start. Today's post will just be a short one - a few thoughts on the season and enjoying our families through it all.

We're here in our winter wonderland called Miami, Florida. It dipped into the 50s last night. Bbbrrr!! I'm originally from Jamaica so I'm not too used to cold weather like this. Although I grew up in Texas - from age 12 through my mid 20s - I never liked winter weather. To each his own, right?

Anyway, what do you do for family fun this time of year? I take it many of you are crowding the malls and swiping credit cards like no other time this year. Others of you - like my good friends in Texas - go deer hunting. Here in Florida, fishing is pretty good this time of year too!

This is such a beautiful time of the year. My best childhood memories mostly seem to have something to do with this season. First of all, my birthday is December 22. So I'd go the entire year and not get any presents. Then I'd get birthday presents and again 3 days later on Christmas Day!

Family bonding during this season is special. I remember growing up with our family buying a Christmas tree together, then putting it up and decorating it. My parents, my siblings and I often went caroling and sometimes we went driving through ours and neighboring communities to look at Christmas lights. Then came Christmas Day - presents and lots of food! We always went to 6 AM church service to get the day started. Then after all this fun, a week later we'd welcome in a new year and make resolutions - that we'd generally break within a few weeks :-)

This season creates so many lasting memories! I know many of you are of other faiths and may not celebrate like I do. But I think we all agree that this time of the year is like no other. The shopping, the fun, the laughter all make it "the most wonderful time of the year!."

During the season, let's really embrace the privilege we have to share it with our kids. It's something that years from now they will recall with fond memories. And I'm sure if we make the right impression, when they start their own families, they'll want to do the same.

I should also say that as much as we shower our kids with the things they wish for, let's not think one season of gift-giving can replace all the other things we should be doing with them. I know parents who don't really pay much attention to their kids throughout the year and think opening their wallets can make up for the essential quality time that their children need. So let's get them gifts but let's shower them with love and affection 12 months a year.

Ok. In the words of Porky Pig, "that's all folks!" Here's to a wonderful weekend for you and yours!

The Upbeat Dad
















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Broken-Hearted And Alone During The Holidays? Cheer Up, There’s Hope

Recently, I wrote a post about my personal testimony about the devastation of my divorce in 2001 to where I am today. That post seems to have struck a chord because it’s the third most read post that we’ve had in the brief history of The Upbeat Dad. It’s a reminder to me that the lessons I learned during that turbulent period are too precious to keep to myself. As we live, we learn. If we don’t teach what we have learned, then others will be at a disadvantage. So it’s important that we share what we learn with others.

Anyway, today I will address what I feel can be a very sensitive matter. It’s about those who are where I was during the holiday season in 2001. If you haven’t already done so, I encourage you to read that post – Click Here.

Something about the holiday season is so special. Thanksgiving, then Hanukkah and Christmas are all such wonderful times of family and friends coming together. As a holiday song says, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year.”

Yet, for many of us, or our friends, relatives or neighbors, it’s a very challenging and difficult time. As I shared on the previous post, I was so thankful during that holiday season. I was surrounded by so much love and support. But I was going through turmoil. The marriage that I thought was for a lifetime was done and over with – in less than 5 years.

Yet I’d go out in public and I’d see families just enjoying each other and having fun. I went to the mall to do a bit of Christmas shopping. I saw couples holding hands. I saw kids sit on Santa’s lap and take pictures. The joy and laughter echoed through the air. But deep within, the laughs cut me like a knife.

If you’ve been there, you may understand the following statement: it’s not that I didn’t want others to have fun and enjoy the holiday season; I was hurting and saw my world fall apart and it was just too much for me seeing what seemed like everyone have fun in the festive season and it seemed so unfair. There’s an expression that says, “The one who loves feels the pain.” That was me – I loved, therefore my heart was on the line. And since it was on the line, when the relationship ended, I literally felt the pain.

Would you imagine that at the time of the year when everyone seems to eat so much - in what I call a guiltless overindulgence – I actually lost 30 pounds. I really couldn’t eat. That chapter for me was too traumatic.

The most difficult thing for me throughout the entire ordeal was seeing my daughter coming to grips with the fact that her family had fallen apart. She was quite young so she didn’t know all that was going on. But she knew that her parents were no longer living together. And Thanksgiving and Christmas were not quite the same. That whole transition period for her and me, as well as my former wife, I’m sure, was different and quite trying.

Perhaps you find yourself in this boat during this holiday season. Or perhaps you know of a loved one who’s in that boat. I can tell you from personal experience that it’s not easy. It’s even more difficult when you have children and for the first time, you’re having to attend family gatherings without your spouse or perhaps without the children. And as much as many might try to be sensitive, there always seems to be that family member or friend who knows just the right words to say to stick the knife a bit deeper in your heart.

If you’re in these shoes right now, my encouragement to you is to just be yourself. Sometimes you may want to cry. So go ahead and cry. If you feel like being alone, be alone. Just don’t allow yourself to fall into a state of depression that becomes long-lasting. Or at other times, you’ll want to be around people who care and understand. Whatever the case, just be true to yourself.

And particularly if you’re a parent, do your very best to shield your kids from the emotions that you’re feeling. If you’ve built up anger or resentment, tell it to the wall – or to another adult who cares for you an what you’re going through – perhaps a professional. Do whatever you will but don’t let the kids hear you say something negative about the other parent. It can only work against you in the end.

I remember going through a class for moms and dads who were going through divorce and one gentleman said in reference to his soon-to-be former spouse, “I don’t want her to die; I just want her to get leprosy.” We had a good laugh at the expression of his sentiments towards her.  But those types of feelings you may have should not be shared in any way that your kids might hear. It’s their other parent, afterall.

After a while, you’ll realize that life goes on. You can bounce back like a champion. Today I look forward to the holiday season with great anticipation because it’s family time. I’m remarried and now I appreciate my wife and two children so much more after having had that experience.

Hang in there. It gets better. Just keep a level head. Be true to yourself and inevitably, things will turn out fine for you and for your children.

Have a great day. And despite anything you might be facing, do enjoy the holiday season.

The Upbeat Dad