Tuesday, September 20, 2016

An Appeal to Fathers in Unintended Pregnancies



I traveled to Jamaica recently to speak at a convention. While I was there, I met a single mother whose story touched my heart, to the point that, when I returned from the trip, I shared with my wife that I think we should help to play our part to help her dreams become a reality.

Her story, sadly, isn’t altogether uncommon.  She is relatively young and like many others, she had dreams of becoming a success in life, of meeting her Prince Charming and then riding off into the sunset to live happily ever after, as tends to happen in fairy tale stories.


 Things seemed to be going according to plan. She was on her way to live the life of her dreams when her story took an unexpected turn. She met a young man who she thought was her Prince Charming – her knight in shining armor. They talked of a future together. Well one day, about 4 years ago, she found out that she was pregnant with their child. And that day revealed to her just how charming her prince was.

She said that literally, that was the very last day that she has seen or corresponded with him. This wasn’t part of the plan but when he found out what a pregnancy meant, he wanted no part of it so he opted to walk away altogether from a situation that he helped to create.

So there she was – left to go through the pregnancy all alone. She did so despite not having the means to support herself or the child that she was carrying. However, she had an optimistic outlook, knowing that, despite the challenging scenario presented to her, she could turn her lemons into lemonade. 

She has come a long way; she has a son – now 3 years old and she is getting her life on track. She has aspirations of becoming a business owner. She’s filled with optimism for the future and having spoken with her, I have no doubt that she will be successful. Though she is overseas, my wife and I plan to support her in her business and life pursuits, as best as we can. She had a tough situation to deal with and has opted to make the best of it. She is working hard now and is giving her all to help her son have a bright and promising future.

Her story reminds me a sub-plot of the classic musical Les Miserables. A young lady named Fantine found herself in a similar state. Like many others, she had great dreams of having a Prince Charming type of a man to come into her life and sweep her off her feet so that they could live happily ever after.

But her reality was that the man who swept her off her feet, the one who she thought was Prince Charming, was only along for the ride long enough to get her pregnant. And by the time she realized all that happened, she found herself destitute, as a young, single mother, wondering why her dream became a nightmare.


She became a single mother who could not afford to raise her daughter on her own so she ended up becoming a prostitute. It was not quite her intent to sell her body for a living but out of desperation, she found herself living a life she hated, just to try to make ends meet.

In one of the more touching scenes from that musical, Fantine sings the song, I Dreamed a Dream. Look at the lyrics of this song and see if you can imagine the emotions as she pours her heart into it:


There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

Anne Hathaway as Fantine (Les Miserables)

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dream to shame

He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came
And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

The sad reality of Fantine’s life is that she became extremely ill. And before she could be cured, she died. The rest of the story is one of hope and optimism because her daughter, Cosette, was lovingly raised by the main character of the musical, Jean Valjean and she grew up and met and married her loving, Prince Charming named Marius. Cosette lived the charmed life that her mother could have only dreamed of. For Fantine, her story was a sad one but fortunately, a beautiful story ensued for her daughter.

Why do I share this story – both about Fantine and the young lady I met in Jamaica? Well, it’s a plea – an appeal, if you will, for us as men to realize the responsibility of fatherhood. I recognize that not every pregnancy occurs under the ideal circumstances. Certainly many pregnancies  are unwanted and unwelcome – both by the would-be mother and/or the would-be father. But the simple fact is that no child has ever asked to be conceived. They come into the world with no choice of their own.

This appeal is to my fellow fathers. I believe that far too often, women are left to raise the children that we helped to create without our aid. It’s not always easy, I know – especially when the relationships with the mothers have soured. Still, at a minimum, these children deserve our financial and emotional support. I recognize that the family law system can be unfair to men in many ways. I have experienced that personally. But I also know that our children deserve our love and support; therefore, I believe that so we ought to step up to the plate – to use the baseball analogy – and do the right thing for our kids.

If you have read this post and need to take some corrective action, I encourage you to do so. You will find a sense of fulfillment, knowing that you are contributing to the needs of a child that you have helped to bring into this world. Perhaps you have been missing in action and need to make that phone call or send that text message to begin making things right. The process all begins with the decision to make things right and step by step, you can become the type of father that your child deserves.

Making the investment in our children, although difficult, at times, pays dividends for a lifetime. Let’s accept the responsibility that comes with fatherhood. Generations of children are counting on us!


Enjoy your day,


The Upbeat Dad


Monday, July 11, 2016

The Company You Keep: Helping Your Kids to Develop the Right Friendships


One of the life experiences that I consider so valuable is becoming a parent after having been parented by my dad and mom. I learned their approach in dealing with my siblings and me and now I have the privilege of instilling in my own kids the values that I believe will guide them to have successful lives. I was given life lessons in a loving way by my parents and now I seek to do the same as a parent.

During my childhood, I recall both my mother and father, at different times, warning me about “keeping bad company.” By that, they meant that I should be careful of the associations I had with other people. As a child who felt he knew what was best for him, I didn’t really care to hear what they had to say. Who were they to tell me who I could or couldn’t talk to? I can make my own choices, right?

Well today, I can look in the rear view mirror and truly thank them for knowing what was best for me. So many years later, I have come to the realization that they were wise beyond words. Indeed, you are known by the company you keep.

Each day, children all over the world meet other children – at school, on the playground, at the mall, at places of worship, etc. Some of these individuals just remain acquaintances. Some of them become friends. And others become more than just friends – they become so close that a lifetime bond is created.

As life goes on, the closer that individuals are as friends, the more their lives tend to mirror each other. For instance, I met my best friend during my university studies in the late 1980s. Looking back over the years, it’s almost surreal just how much our lives mirror each other’s. We studied in the business school and have gone on to different positions in the finance and accounting field in the corporate world. We got married and started families around the same time. Over the years, our lives have changed in innumerable ways but our friendship has remained the same.

So how have we become such good friends? As I look back over the 19 years that we lived prior to meeting each other, I see that our lives were along parallel paths. We were both born in Jamaica – each as the 3rd of 4 children. Both of our dads were school principals and lay preachers at church. Both of our moms were teachers. In the early 1980s, our families migrated from Jamaica to the state of Texas. We met in 1989 at the University of Texas at Austin and have been just like brothers since. I believe that we both have enhanced each other’s lives over the years.

Rodrick (The Upbeat Dad) and college buddies
So what point am I making in this? We both come from loving homes with loving parents and siblings. When we went off to college, because of the values instilled in us at home, we tended to gravitate towards people who shared our similar values. We have a circle of friends – of different races and cultures. But our common bond is that we come from loving homes and we tend to share the same values.

We were fortunate, in that, our parents had a positive influence on us and helped us to make the right choices when we went away to school. There are so many others who we’ve met along the way who didn’t have the type of influence that we had. Many came from homes without the presence of a father. Others came from two parent households but the type of nurturing that was necessary to help them become their best wasn’t given. And it was to their detriment.

As parents, we have an obligation to guide our kids to make the right choices in life. My daughter begins high school this coming fall. It seems like only a few years ago I was there when she entered this world. Now she’s about to embark on the last few years of schooling before she goes off to college. She’s an honor roll student and quite personable. But the thing I’m most proud about is the choices she has made in having friends. Those individuals have a direct impact on her success in the classroom and ultimately in life.

I heard several years ago that working adults tend to make within $10,000 - $15,000 of their closest associates. And that makes perfect sense. Like-minded individuals tend to read the same books, go to similar social events, interact with the same type of people and so on.  It’s just one of those things in life that isn’t a mystery. You may have heard it said that we are known by the company we keep. I’ve found it to be true.





I wonder how many parents don’t know who their kids’ friends are. I also wonder how many dads are so busy working, traveling, golfing and climbing the corporate ladder that they don’t know the company that their kids keep. If you don’t know, now may be a good time to begin the process of getting to know. Here are some tips:

  • Talk to your kids' friends when they come over to your home and get to know them.
  • Offer to take your kids and their friends to a ball game or some other type of social setting. Have fun, but also observe the type of interaction that they have with each other.
  • Schedule conferences with your kids' school teachers and find out from them if they have any concern about influences that others have on your kid.
  • Share your own testimonials with your kids about your own lifelong friendships and the positive influences that you have had. This will speak volumes to them - as they will know you're not only saying it but you've lived it.

Those are just a few tips to help you get on the right track in imparting wisdom to your kids.

As parents, we have 18 or so years to have an influence on the daily lives of our children. When they go off to college or to face life’s other challenges, they will be guided by the values and principles instilled in them while they are under our care. It’s a huge responsibility that you and I have. Let’s endeavor to demonstrate our love for our kids by helping them to make the choices that will guide them into the future.

Enjoy your day,



The Upbeat Dad

Friday, June 24, 2016

Teaching Our Kids About Financial Responsibility


Recently I had a conversation with our 14 year old daughter about money. It’s not the first one we’ve had but this time was different. Why? Because I ended up getting upset with her. So what happened? Here goes:
She has been saving her allowance. And sometimes she gets money from different relatives. So that day, I just casually asked how much money she has saved. She said, “None.” I said, “Are you kidding? What happened?” Then she started to explain. In frustration, I just cut her off and didn’t even listen to all she had to say.

That’s probably not the best approach – to ask your child a legitimate question, only to cut her off while she’s answering. But here’s my issue: we have been talking about money – the do’s and don’ts - like budgeting, saving, spending. And what did she do? She spent it all!

She just completed her freshman year in high school. Soon she’ll be off to college. And after that, comes the real world. Unless we give her the right lessons at this juncture, she might learn the hard way the importance of managing money carefully. She told me a few months ago that she wants a bank account with her own debit card. I promised her that, if she demonstrates that she can handle the responsibility of managing the money she gets now, then we can do that. The recent spending spree that she went on tells me that she’s not quite ready yet. So back to the drawing board we go.

Now, I know as adults, sometimes we spend more money than we should – more than we want to. I understand life situations arise. But she’s 14 and a fulltime student. She has no life real obligations that would cause her to spend anything on a monthly basis. Any money she gets is purely for her pleasure – a little shopping, a little eating or whatever she wants to do.

I eventually listened to her tell me she did some shopping and got some things she’d been wanting to get for some time. I told her I have no problem with her getting things she had wanted. But we had a deal and she didn’t keep her end of the bargain.

You see, I have had my own financial issues and I am determined to teach my 3 kids about money management from a theoretical standpoint. Then I want to give them the opportunity to put these concepts into practice as they grow. My wife and I have 2 young sons – a 2 ½ year old and a 7 month old. So for now, the lessons are all directed to our teen daughter.

When I was growing up, my parents did speak with my siblings and me about money but more in a general sense. As I became an adult, I began to realize that I needed a bit more. I started working and earning my own money while in high school and that continued through college. I spent what I earned on things I wanted; my needs were taken care of by my parents.

When I graduated from my university studies and became a professional, I started earning much more money than before. At the same time, I became an independent, working adult, responsible for paying his own bills. That’s a whole new ballgame altogether.

It’s one thing to earn spending money when your parents are responsible for your care; it’s a different thing when you are responsible for every penny that comes into or goes out of your household. I learned, in a hurry, that a nice paycheck can come and go in a flash. I didn’t go about spending money unnecessarily; I just didn’t live by a budget. I figured that, as long as I could pay my rent, car note, credit card bills, college loans, grocery bills and other monthly obligations, I was fine.

I didn’t think about doing a bank reconciliation to ensure that I know what checks are outstanding at a given time. I didn’t think about saving. There was little thought about planning for tomorrow because I was so busy trying to live for each day.

Before I knew it, a few years went by and, for the most part, I was like a runner on a treadmill – doing a lot of activity but not really going anywhere. If I wanted to buy something and didn’t have the money readily available, I’d put it on a credit card and voila – I had it! No thought about whether or not I could afford it. That was just my approach.

There came a point where I realized that instead of managing money and putting it to work for me, it was managing me. Without employing a proactive approach to handling finances, I seemed to always find myself with too much month left after the money I earned that month was gone. Without going too much into the details of that chapter of my life, I’ll just say that I learned some tough lessons about the importance of handling finances. I set out to change my situation so that I could begin seeing different results.

Establishing a budget was one of the first things I did. It’s good to put on paper what you earn and what you’re obligated to spend and what you can exercise discretion in spending. Learning to save and invest is also an important part of this process. It’s something I have learned and am still learning. But more importantly, I have been putting what I have learned into practice and I’m finding more and more, that the principles of managing finances do work.

My kids mean the world to me. As they grow and develop I want them to learn the importance of handling finances. I teach our daughter that, when she gets money, she is to set some aside for savings; then she is to give some away – in our case, to church. Then she can buy things that she needs or even wants. But all of this is to be done with a well-thought out, proactive approach.

I know that the weekend before our conversation I referred to above, she went out with her cousins and they did a little shopping – well, a lot of shopping. She ended up getting things she didn’t plan to get, paying more than she planned to pay and when all was said and done, she came home with some nice things, but the money was gone – no savings, nothing given away. And I’m sure that if I was to look at what she paid for the things she got, I would see that she overpaid for some items. Or at the very least, she got items that, though they may have been good buys, were out of her budget.

I believe that we live in a society that encourages us to be impulsive spenders. We’re bombarded with ads for items that we don’t really need; we’re encouraged to get credit cards to get items that we want, just to satisfy some desire that was initiated in crafty ways by advertisers. And of course there’s the peer-pressure issue that causes our kids to think they need to have what everyone else has.

So as responsible parents, I believe that we have the obligation to counteract what our kids might hear from their friends or from advertisers. The truth is that they can accomplish just about anything they desire. And they can acquire things that they dream about. But it takes planning, discipline and self-control to make it happen.

Parenting is no walk in the park. But we’re preparing the next generation to take over the world as we get older. Money management is a key lesson for them to learn in order to live accomplished, balanced lives. Let us encourage them to be wise in how they handle this precious resource so that they can see their goals and dreams come to fruition.

Do enjoy your day.




The Upbeat Dad



Sunday, March 6, 2016

Disciplinarian Parenting Style? Or Fun Parenting? Which is Better?




Just over 10 years ago when my former wife relocated to the northeast US, I was really distraught that the judge signed off on the move. You see, she was taking our 4 year old daughter with her, much to my dismay. I thought it would have been detrimental to the father / daughter bond that had been developed up to that point. The judge said that my daughter should be with her mom throughout the school year but during breaks from school – summertime, Thanksgiving, Christmas and Spring Break, etc – she would be with me.

In trying to encourage me, my attorney said, “Think of it this way – you’ll get to be the fun parent!” I started thinking about that. When my daughter’s with me, I could do all the fun things like take her shopping or to Chuck E. Cheese’s  or to places like Disney World. Doing the fun things and creating more wonderful childhood memories. Meanwhile my former wife would have to deal with the hard tasks of getting her to school daily and picking her up. Then she’d have to go to teachers’ conferences and do all the things required to help our little one to be successful in school – homework, especially. Then came the music lessons and Girl Scouts meetings and sports practices. That level of parenting isn’t always fun – it can be real exhausting.


But then I reflected on the situation and began thinking – do I really want to be a fun parent? Or do I want to be a parent who deals with every aspect of the parenting experience – the good, the bad and the ugly? I recall, during my childhood, that both my mom and dad had their hands full with my 3 siblings and me. We had our fair share of fun but it certainly wasn’t all fun and games. They taught us valuable life lessons that still guide us to this day. And these lessons often came disguised in the form of discipline.

After a while I began to realize that I didn’t want to be the fun parent. As glamorous as it might be to be the dad to create such fond memories with my daughter, the fact is that parenting, just like real life, has the glamour as well as the grime. I believe that the ultimate responsibility of parenthood is to lovingly train children in such a way that they grow up to be productive members of society. And that training doesn’t always come with fun and games; sometimes it might entail dealing with things our kids don’t like but which are in their best interest.

Whenever my daughter came to me, we certainly did do the fun things but I also tried to share with her lessons that she may not have wanted to hear. And I made a concerted effort not to just give her the things she wanted all the time. In other words, I was determined to do for her, not just what she wanted but also what she needed.

After a few years of having my daughter with me in relatively short spurts, just about 6 years ago, she came to live with me primarily – with her mom still living up north. Now my parenting style was to be put to the ultimate test. A single dad living on his own with his daughter coming to visit for the summer is one thing; it’s another thing to be a fulltime single dad dealing with school, homework, chores and everything that it takes to care for a child. This was a whole different ballgame.

Before long I began to realize that I’d been missing out on much of her development. Her learning style is the classroom environment is one of the first things that I noticed. I had always done my part from a distance, checking in with her teachers but seeing it up close gave me additional insight. I thought of some of my own challenges as I was growing up and how I overcame them. I was determined to help her strengthen the areas in which she was already strong and improve the areas of weakness.  I learned of things I could do to help her learn and achieve better grades. Before long I got her a tutor and that was quite helpful. This was the beginning of a new phase for me. Being a fun parent is easy; doing some of the things that your child might not like too much is a bit harder.

Four years ago, I got remarried. My wife and I now have 2 sons – a 2 ½ year old and a 3 month old. And my daughter is an integral part of our household. We couldn’t be happier because our home is built on love and mutual respect for each family member. Fortunately, both my wife and I realize that the responsibility of raising 3 young persons with unique and distinct personalities is an awesome one. We have loads of fun with them but we also know that if we are to be successful, discipline is required on our part.

Rodrick's teenage daughter
My daughter is now 14 years old and a high school freshman. As most parents of teenagers will tell you, inevitably there will be conflict. Teens love to push their boundaries to see what they can get away with. Sometimes she speaks as if she and I are the same age and she can do as she pleases. But overall, she’s well mannered and quite respectable and I’m quite proud of her. She’s on the honor roll at an extremely competitive high school. Now we have conversations about what career she would like to pursue. I get to challenge her in ways that, though not comfortable at times, cause her to think of the vast possibilities that may be accomplished as she seeks to make her mark on the world.

For our 2 young sons, we sure have our share of fun with them. But we have the right perspective – fun is great but for them to develop as they ought to, we have to be well-rounded parents who discipline and guide them while enjoying their growth and development.

I hope that this post has been helpful to you. Parenting entails having fun and playing games but it also entails doing the hard things that sometimes might not feel so good but are quite necessary. We all desire for our kids to grow up and become mannerly, well-adjusted, goal-oriented persons who make a positive contribution to society. Let’s keep the entire process of parenting in perspective. With the right mindset, we can enjoy them while preparing them to become all that we desire for them to be.

Enjoy your day.



The Upbeat Dad

Saturday, January 23, 2016

An Appeal to Expectant Fathers: Your Presence is Needed!



My wife and I recently welcomed a new baby boy to our family. We're now a family of 5 and we couldn't be happier! We already had a 14 year old daughter and a 2 year old son. Now this new addition just seems to make the picture complete! When we learned that a new little one was on the way, we had a great degree of anticipation. Along the journey, we knew that we couldn't take anything for granted. As many women will tell you, each pregnancy is different. Some may be pretty smooth while others can be physically and emotionally exhausting.

With all of this in mind, I wanted to ensure that I played my part, as best as I could, throughout the 9-month process. I couldn't physically carry the child but I could be supportive enough to make the challenge of carrying him as light as possible. I wanted my wife to know that, just as before, I would be there, right beside her, throughout each phase of the pregnancy and beyond. This brings me to the purpose of this blog post. I share it because I believe it's a message that each of us as dads can learn from. I write, not knowing the specifics of each person’s situation. I only know my personal observation and I thought I’d share a concern I have as a result.

Rodrick, wife and kids with newborn son
Here is the issue: throughout the pregnancy, when we went to Ob Gyn (doctor) appointments, I observed that, for the most part, I was the only father/expectant father present. So time after time, week after week, regardless of the time of day, or day of the week, generally speaking, I saw no other men accompanying their wives or expectant mothers of their children. I made a similar observation when my 2 other children were born – the men were missing, at least at the doctor’s offices.

So I began thinking – why are these women alone? Where are the men? Is this the norm? Is it to be expected? Some of these women struggled into the office, as they were in the last phase of their pregnancies. Some came with their other kids and had to deal with them in the waiting room before seeing the doctor. Some were clearly stressed because of all they had to deal with physically and emotionally.

Just from the small talk that my wife and I made with them as we sat in the waiting area, we learned that, for the most part, these were happily married women. Certainly there were those who weren't married. And some who, without really saying much, didn’t have the ideal scenario in which to welcome a new child. All of these women, with their varying circumstances, were being seen by the doctor without the men. 

Still puzzled about this observation, I decided to ask some people why the men didn’t generally accompany the expectant mothers of their children.  I asked verbally and via social media – Facebook and Twitter. Here’s a synopsis of the responses that I got:
-       They have to go to work and their employers would not give them the time off
-       It is not necessary for them to be there
-       In the culture of the United States, it’s not something that men do
-       The women do not have a problem with it
-       The men only need to be there when there is a major issue with the pregnancy and their input is needed

There was more that I heard but these are the major reasons. The consistent theme in the responses was that the presence of the men at these appointments was not a major priority. It’s doesn’t necessarily mean that the women are not loved and cared for; it’s just not something that was thought to be necessary and, for the most part, both men and women are okay with that. I know I didn’t take a scientific poll as they do in the political world. I’m sure there’s more to it than just this. Still, I believe that my observation might be indicative of what is commonplace – at least here in the US.

I won’t address each of the reasons above specifically, but let me just touch on the one I heard the most – work. I recognize that these doctor’s appointments are usually during normal business hours – Monday through Friday, 9 to 5. I also recognize that most people work during these hours so any visit to a doctor’s office – or any other place, for that matter – requires taking time from work. Some employers are inflexible and would not readily embrace one’s absence from work even for a couple of hours. I really do understand this.

At the same time, I also know that many of these women work outside the home. So they miss time from work for these appointments. I also know that some men are self-employed or have schedules flexible enough for them to go to the doctor to learn firsthand how the process is going. Maybe it might entail giving up one’s lunch hour or working late to make up the time. It might entail making a sacrifice. So the question becomes – is it worth the sacrifice?

I cannot imagine not being there at all for any of these appointments. The anticipation of each new milestone was something that excited me. At 6 weeks we heard the heartbeat. At 20 weeks we saw him on the ultrasound and found out we were having another boy. And after all of these appointments came the delivery of a child who, only a few months before, could barely have been seen under a microscope. Witnessing yet another child come into the world was something I considered an absolute privilege. The expression “the miracle of childbirth” is true indeed. These moments were absolutely priceless and I would not have wanted to miss them for the world.

I often say that kids really do need their dads. I believe that this need begins from the moment they are conceived. Kids need constant care, love and devotion from both their moms and dads from when they are in the womb. As our wives or the expectant mothers of our children carry these little ones, I believe that we have an obligation, as much as possible, to be a constant presence - at the doctor's office, at home, wherever it may be. Our presence helps to lighten the load in what can sometimes be a very trying, emotionally-exhausting experience.

I recognize that not every pregnancy occurs under the ideal circumstances. I’m very much aware of that. Still, I believe that if collectively, we put a greater emphasis on prioritizing being there as constant sources of support, then the expectant mothers of our children, along with the children, would feel our loving embrace – both physically and emotionally.

My appeal is not simply to encourage men to be present at doctors’ visits. It’s a call for a revolution in our entire mindset regarding the process of bringing children into the world. You’ve probably seen or heard of the stereotypical emotionally-disconnected dads whose only significant role in the delivery of their children is to hand out cigars to celebrate the birth. I don’t know if those dads still exist but I would like our involvement throughout the pregnancy process to be nothing like the image that we’ve seen portrayed at times.

Whether it’s keeping the gas tank filled or doing the grocery shopping so our wives don’t have to stop unnecessarily or taking over the cooking duties – at least temporarily – or making those late night runs to the convenient store to help them satisfy an impulsive craving for some food they haven’t had in years, there’s more we can do. Believe me, it’s not all a bed of roses when we make these sacrifices. But it works wonders and helps to solidify our presence in our wives’ and kids’ lives. This, I know from personal experience.

I don’t expect that each reader will agree with my viewpoint. That’s no problem at all. But I hope that you understand my heart in all of this. Children have the biological makeup of a mother and a father and I believe that both parents have a significant role to play in their development – and that role begins when they are in the womb. Certainly, men and women have different parts to play throughout a pregnancy. I just strongly believe that as men, there is more that we can do to demonstrate our unconditional love and support.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on what I’ve shared here. Feel free to leave a comment on this post. Or you can share via our Facebook or Twitter accounts. 

Childbirth is a true miracle. Let us collectively commit to being more active participants in the witnessing of this miracle!

Do enjoy your day.


Rodrick and his family


The Upbeat Dad



Thursday, January 14, 2016

Responsible Fatherhood in an Age of Violence


Over the past several years, here in the United States, we have seen a spike in incidents of senseless violence. Random shootings routinely make headlines and each time, the more senseless the acts appear to become. Our hearts ache each time we hear of innocent lives being taken from us by a troubled person who seems intent on causing harm to others.

Remember the shootings at Columbine High School in Columbine, Colorado? Remember how much that incident shook us to the core? In hindsight, it seems like that was the beginning of series of random shootings in which the only “wrong” the victims did was being in a place where the shooters were. The more we hear about these incidents, the more deplorable the acts seem. No place seems safe – the workplace, places of worship, schools, shopping malls and political events have all become crime scenes in the most senseless of ways.

Most recently, in the small community of Newtown, Connecticut, at Sandy Hook Elementary School, 26 people were randomly shot and killed by a lone gunman. Among the dead were 20 students – ages 6 and 7, the school principal, the school psychologist and 4 teachers.

In the midst of “the most wonderful time of the year,” the nation paused to mourn the tragic passing of these precious souls. For the families however, there was no pause. Their lives came to screeching halt; instead of planning Christmas dinner and how to decorate their homes for the holidays, they were planning funerals. They probably have a difficult time going near malls or restaurants or places where families gather. Their pain is very real and being around happy, smiling families might be too much for them to handle as they continue to mourn. Their joy turned into sorrow so suddenly and so senselessly.

I often try to think about the relevance of current events to the responsibilities of men. I think of how these issues affect our roles as husbands and fathers and then I seek to share words that would spur us to action, as we embrace our roles in our families. I’m very aware of the fact that many kids do not live with their fathers due to a variety of reasons. That might make implementing some of these guidelines I share here a challenge. Still, I believe that whether our kids are physically with us all the time or not, there are things that we can do – and ought to do – to help ensure that their well-being is top priority.

As men, first and foremost, we have an obligation to protect our families. Our wives and children depend on us to be providers and protectors. Some might interpret this to mean that we ought to all go out and purchase guns. That’s the least of what I’m saying. The gun-rights issue has its place but that’s not a topic I believe ought to be highlighted on this blog. The gun control debate can be controversial and divisive and I think I can share a positive message on responsible fatherhood without getting into that subject here.

I believe we ought to teach our kids that although most of the people they know and love are warm, kind-hearted, genuine and caring, there are some people in the world who are not that way. There are some who cause severe harm to others and take pleasure in wreaking havoc in the lives of the innocent.

It is important that we reinforce the message that many of us tell our kids: don’t talk to strangers. Strangers can be warm and kind-hearted but some can also be abductors and killers. Unfortunately, we have gotten to the point where we have to teach kids, whose natural instinct is to trust, not to trust certain others because it could be to their detriment.

Another area in which I think we can help our kids is in helping them to recognize potentially dangerous situations. This is particularly important for parents of teens and young adults. I remember how, as a teen I yearned for the freedom to make my own rules and do as I please. When I went off to college, I did just that – made my own rules and did whatever I pleased. I admit that I drank alcohol before reaching the legal drinking age. I partied and had myself a ball. I stayed out late at night – sometimes into the “wee” hours of the morning, not thinking of any potential negative consequences.

Now, as a 40 something year old father of a teen daughter and 2 young boys, my perspective is so much different. Did you know that a disproportionate number of fatalities occur in those late hours? If we think about it, it makes logical sense. People are more prone to party, drink and drive at night, particularly on Fridays and Saturdays. Parents of teens and young adults probably spend many a night worrying because of their kids being out because a lot of bad things happen at night.

Although many of the shootings we have heard about on the news occurred in the daytime, acts of violence generally occur more at night. I remember during my late teen/early adult years growing up in Houston, Texas, I’d routinely go to night clubs. At many of those clubs there were shootings at different points. I remember one such shooting occurred at a concert that I attended. It’s hard to imagine that I was so passionate about being in that atmosphere that I really didn’t think I could have been a victim – whether being hit by a stray bullet or otherwise.

I believe it’s wise to educate our kids about these issues that are so very real. Perhaps as you read this you can think of different incidents in your own life where you exercised bad judgment and put yourself at risk of also being an innocent victim. The types of incidents that make headlines are like what happened at Sandy Hook Elementary but far more common are the ones that occur every day that we might only hear about in our local markets, if at all. We owe it to our kids to educate them about the dangers of the world we live in so that they can be cautious as they go about their daily lives.

Having said all of this, I recognize that tragedies, such as those that we have become all too familiar with, will occur. The children of Sandy Hook simply went to school – one that had security measures in place – and still that incident took place. People go to work or to the movie theatre or to the mall or to their places of worship and while minding their own business, they still become innocent victims.

As much as we might not like to think about it, each day we put ourselves and our kids in the way of potential harm by simply living normal lives. We cannot entirely eliminate the possibility of being victims of violence. I believe, however, that there are steps we can take to decrease the likelihood of being among those who are either victims or family members of victims of such violence.

Collectively we mourn with the families affected by the many incidents of violence that we have become so familiar with.  There are things we can control and others we simply can’t. I believe a wise approach is to teach our kids about the dangers of the world we live in and encourage them to avoid situations in which they become more vulnerable to such awful acts. One thing I often say is, “All you can do is all you can do.” Beyond that, we just trust and hope that the steps we take keep us and our families, out of harm’s way as much as possible.

I’ll close this post with the words of singer, James Taylor. The words are simply:
Shower the people you love with love
Show them the way you feel
Things are gonna be just fine
If you only will

Do shower your families with love. And do your best to protect them in all instances. Such is the responsibility of a loving, caring father.




The Upbeat Dad