Helping Men Through the Pain of Divorce

It seems that recently, more and more, I've been meeting men who are going through the pain and turmoil that comes with the divorce experience. Whether I'm at work, church, traveling or just in social settings, increasingly I've been meeting men who are hurting. Some have been married for years; others are relatively newlywed - 2 years and under; some were actually never married but were in relationships headed for marriage but somehow got derailed on the way to the altar.

All of these situations seem to have a common thread - the pain is very real. And seemingly, because of certain societal expectations, many of these men have a difficult time dealing with their emotions. They have challenges trying to reconcile their true emotions with stereotypes such as "real men don't cry."

Perhaps, as you read this, you're a man dealing with the new normal - life without the person you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with. And perhaps you think that your situation is unique and no one else is feeling the turmoil that you're experiencing now. It could very well be that as you read these words, you see this as your last glimmer of hope in your state of hurt. Maybe you’ve seen your life savings and investments wiped out in a maze of attorney fees, child support and alimony payments. And perhaps for the first time in your life you find yourself sitting on a psychologist’s couch  sharing your innermost feelings.  

With all of this in mind, I've decided to share these words that I believe will be an encouragement to you. You see, I can very much relate to the pain and disappointment that comes with the ending of what I thought was the relationship of a lifetime. If you should meet or speak with me, what you might witness on the surface is lots and smiles and laughter. But if you look a bit further, you'd see that beneath the outer surface are the battle scars from past relationships gone wrong. The wounds have healed for years and I've come through the storm just fine. I'm now happily married with 2 kids. But still, I can very much relate to the present suffering of the hurting who I have the privilege of meeting.

I went through a divorce in the early 2000s. The marriage ended formally in 2002 but because we had a daughter - a 4 year old at the time - for the next few years it seemed that I was always dealing with some new post-divorce issue relating to her. On this blog, I've shared different posts about my own journey - posts such as:

The Story Behind the Upbeat Dad

The Awful Night 10 Years Ago That Led Me to Start The Upbeat Dad!

How I Could Have Become a Deadbeat Dad

The battle scars that I refer to go back to even before that marriage. In the mid-90s, I experienced the ending of the relationship with my college sweetheart. That might sound like no big deal today but at the time, it sent me into a tailspin because for 3 years we talked about the wonderful married life we would live together. And somehow it all seemed to fall apart overnight. As bad as that experience was, it paled in comparison to what came a few short years later - a messy divorce with a child involved.

All of this preliminary information on this post has brought me to the point of saying this: life goes on after relationships end. And if we take the right approach, we can come through the storm virtually unscathed, with an even better outlook on life.

Each time that a relationship ends, I believe that we are left with 2 basic choices: yearn for the rekindling of that relationship or move on with the rest of our lives. As fundamental as that sounds, in practice, it's not always such an easy choice. When people don't recognize the simplicity of these choices, sometimes what results can be quite alarming - things such as:

- depression
- domestic violence
- drug and alcohol abuse
- suicide
- murder
- murder suicide

Extreme, though these may sound, believe me when I tell you that, under the right circumstances or wrong circumstances, I should say, even the most warm, gentle, kind-hearted person can be so negatively affected by a broken relationship that these issues become associated with them.

Having had disappointing ends to a few relationships I can say with certainty that it's better to move on. The harsh reality is that we can't control other people so, regardless of how we may feel about the possible future of a relationship, it takes two people to make it work. And if one party is no longer interested, there's very little one can do to change them. We can wish and pray that there's a change of heart but unless there is such a change, we have to either move on or be stuck in a perpetual state of yearning for the past.

As men, we can be stubborn. And believe me when I say that I've dealt with some stubborn men over the past few years. Their wives or girlfriends leave and they are so determined to get them back that they adopt uncharacteristic behaviors in that pursuit. In some cases, they win them back. In other cases, when they are unsuccessful, they have a hard time moving on so they become bitter. As I went through my own divorce, a gentleman who mentored me told me, "It is better to become better than to remain bitter." (Read To Become Bitter or Better:The Choice is Yours for more about this topic.)

Here's something that has worked wonders for me. Just like when a loved one dies, we go through a period of mourning. And then, in time, we recover and move on with our lives. In the same way, I believe that it's best that we mourn the death of our relationships. It's difficult and very painful to see the love fade to the point of death; that's why the period of mourning is so crucial. But after the death and burial, it is best to resume living, slow though the process may be.

To become completely healed and whole after a broken relationship, I believe that forgiveness is necessary: forgiving the other person and forgiving yourself for any and all hurt. Forgiveness entails holding someone blameless, even if they can be blamed. Letting go and leaving them blameless is such a powerful tool because it releases us from the chains of bitterness. (Read Forgiveness: The Key to Healing After Divorce)

I know some people - both men and women - who are never quite the same after divorce. They live the rest of their lives thinking about the one that got away, rather than moving on and embracing the gift of life. I think it's best to move on, live your life and you'll be fine.

If you're a dad, keep in mind that divorce means you're no longer a husband but you'll always be a dad. Issues of custody and child support can be overwhelming but just know that through it all, you're always and forever a dad. That's one of the things that kept me sane throughout the turmoil that ensued following my divorce. That marriage ended 10 years ago - it's a distant memory. But our daughter's a wonderful, well-adjusted 14 year old high school freshman who still has the love and admiration of her mom and dad.

Here is something that has kept me going - and I believe that it can work wonders for you as well. After going through the ending of my marriage, I thought how good it would be if, after the storm subsided, I could encourage other men who experienced a similar plight. My experience wasn't for me alone - it was for the hundreds and thousands or even millions of men and women who are left with the choice of picking up the pieces and moving on or being forever stuck in a rut because of the pain caused by divorce.

The vast array of family law issues that can really be a financial and emotional drain on even the most optimistic person. So as you come through the storm - as you certainly will - strengthen those who also deal with these unique feelings.

Today, I'm in a much better place. I've had custody of my daughter for the past 5 years. I'm happily married to a wonderful woman and we have a precious 2 year old son. I know all this would not have been possible had I not made the choice 10 years ago to let go of the pain and move on.

I would have never had the insight to start the Upbeat Dad Organization without some of the lessons that I learned in that very challenging chapter of my life. Perhaps you can do something similar after making it through your storm. Or maybe you have family members or friends or co-workers who experience the hurt that comes with divorce. You can help them to get back on the right track. My point in all this is that the experience isn't for you alone - it's meant for you to strengthen others.

I hope that this post has been an encouragement to you. Life is a precious gift and although divorce is something that many of us experience, it doesn't have to mean doom and gloom. As you come through it all, devote yourself to making it through the storm and coming back stronger and better than ever. You can and you will, if you embrace the principle shared here. I'm pulling for you and so are many others throughout the world.

Enjoy the rest of your day.

The Upbeat Dad

Forgiveness: The Key to Healing After Divorce

Divorce is one of the great epidemics of our society. It’s an experience that tears families apart. Family members walk away wounded from its immediate effects when a marriage ends. And for many, it takes years to recover. Some actually never even get over it and move on. It’s a gut-wrenching, traumatic experience that can really make or break people.

If you’ve read this blog for any length of time, you probably know that I went through a divorce over 10 years ago. I look back now with very little emotion about it. But at the time, every waking moment was like being tortured. That’s why I preferred to sleep during that time – my escape mechanism, if you will. I’d get up, go to work, come home and sleep. Not the healthiest approach, I know, but it was my way of coping.

Dealing with the legal system, custody issues and all that came with the entire ordeal took so much out of me that I was of very little use elsewhere in my life. My work productivity declined. My appetite disappeared, resulting in my losing 30 pounds in the first month after the process started. What I’m saying here is that it was simply the worst experience of my entire life. And believe me, I’ve dealt with some difficult issues – including the death of close loved ones. Nothing quite compares to the experience of divorce, in my view.

Today, I’m happily remarried to a really special and wonderful woman. My daughter, who was 3 at the time of the divorce, is now a well-adjusted pre-teen who lives with us. And the icing on the cake is that we have a handsome little bundle of joy – an 11 month old son. Things may not be 100% perfect but I can tell you that true love has turned our house into a home.

How did this all happen? How did a nightmare become a beautiful dream? In this post, if you learn nothing else, please learn this: forgiveness is the key to a healthy recovery from divorce. It might sound like a cliché but really, that’s what it is. There’s no magical formula – just simply learning about the act of forgiveness and acting upon it.

Shortly after my divorce, I was in such turmoil that I didn’t know what to do. I felt hurt and disappointed in the way things turned out. I lost everything – I mean everything. Well, I did get to keep my car, my clothes and college textbooks. But the entire house and all its effects were all gone. In addition, my credit was ruined. And seeing how the family court operated was a big eye opener. Through it all, I just remember thinking that, at least my daughter is ok because all else from that marriage was gone.

In the midst of the turmoil, I reached out to a gentleman who had been through a similar experience. He shared with me that, in order for me to move on effectively, I needed to choose to become better instead of remaining bitter. That simple concept has guided my life since then. I even wrote two blog posts about it: To Become Bitter or Better? The Choice is Yours and Bitter vs. Better Part 2: How to Become Better.

He told me that I needed to forgive my former wife and myself if I wanted to make a full recovery. And looking back at that conversation now, I can tell you that it was that brief chat the started me on the path that I’ve been on since then. It’s an inflection point to which I can trace the origins of the Upbeat Dad organization.

After that brief conversation, I knew there was some work to be done and I was determined to do it. I had lunch with my former wife shortly thereafter. Believe me, it wasn’t easy to initiate that contact but it was necessary. I told her that despite the fact that it was a messy divorce, we needed to come together for our daughter’s best interest and for our mutual benefit. Then I said, “For the wrong that I did during the marriage and throughout the divorce process, I’m asking you to forgive me.” It wasn’t easy for me to do so but I did.

I won’t even tell you her response but suffice it to say, it was less than favorable. But guess what? That was ok. I was trying to move on and, in my view, that was a necessary step. The next thing I did was forgive her for ways in which I felt I was wronged. I won’t even get into the discussion of “who did what” during the marriage and divorce. 

The fact is that we were married and the marriage ended. No matter how right either of us may have felt, no one was 100% innocent and no one was 100% at fault. The demise of the marriage was a shared responsibility.

I had to acknowledge wrong-doing on my part and that’s what I did. I forgave her and asked that she forgive me. Regardless of her response, I was no longer held captive to the emotions of that chapter in our lives. I was now free to move on from the experience. The only remaining obligation I had from that relationship was to continue being a loving father to our daughter.

It was so long ago, in hindsight, but I cannot emphasize to you enough how much healing took place after that conversation with her. I cried privately because I was so overcome with emotion. There was nothing that changed in an outward, tangible way after talking with her but I felt my heart becoming whole again. The sun was starting to shine in my life and I just had a new attitude.

The key to forgiveness is this: the power does not lie with the other person – it lies with you. By that I mean, the other person is free to forgive you or not. They’re also free to ask for forgiveness. But when you’re the one asking for forgiveness or actually forgiving the other person, you’re in total control. So then, you can be your own emancipator, if you will; you can be held captive by the wrong you feel was done against you, or you can choose to forgive and move on.

If you make the choice to forgive, you remove the possible ill-effects of harboring a grudge. Did you know that refusing to forgive and holding on to the hurt can literally make you sick? Ask your doctor. It can lead to high blood pressure, ulcers and all kinds of diseases. It really can.

If you find yourself at a crossroads today, dealing with a divorce or the ending of a relationship, I challenge you to put these words to the test. It doesn’t matter how bad things may be, forgiveness is the key to moving on and letting go of the hurt. If you’re dealing with heartbreaking issues such as domestic violence or infidelity, it doesn’t matter, it really works.

I can’t promise you that you’ll see tangible results overnight. A million dollars won’t necessarily appear in your bank account the next day. But what happens is that you become free of the baggage that comes with the bitterness that results when we don’t forgive. For me, it didn’t happen overnight but one thing that started almost immediately is that I learned to see my former wife in a different light. 


Things got so messy when the divorce became a reality. But I learned to remember the good in her that caused me to want to marry her in the first place. And she was the mother of our beautiful daughter. So without her, our daughter would never have been born. That’s why, to this day, I am glad that we got married – a precious child still remains long after the marriage has faded.

I hope that these words have spoken to your heart. If you need to make that special phone call to make amends, then please do so. If you need to shed some tears, then do so as well. All of these things are normal and dare I say, very necessary, if you are to move on from a past hurt.

Seeking and extending forgiveness and making apologies doesn’t indicate weakness. Rather, it’s a sign of strength. You become empowered by such acts. Now, I have to struggle to recall all that happened during our divorce. If I remained bitter and chose not to forgive my ex, I’d leap at any opportunity to say negative things about her. 


But believe me, it’s much better the way it is now. She’s moved on and I’ve moved on and each of us is much better as a result. And more importantly, our daughter is just fine – a well adjusted, happy pre-teen.

Now I have a wife who loves me unconditionally and I have 3 children that really light up my life. Life isn’t perfect with us but I can tell you honestly that it’s never been better. That didn’t happen overnight. When I made a conscious choice to forgive my ex and forgive myself, the wheels were set in motion for the life I live today.

I look forward to hearing of how things change for the better as you make your own choice to forgive. Believe me, it’s better that way. Don’t rob yourself of the benefits that forgiveness can give. You deserve the best that life has to offer. Please don’t let anyone or any situation ever cause you to become less than you’re capable of being.

Promise yourself that, starting today, you’ll forgive, forget and move on. In doing so, you’ll reap more rewards than you could imagine. And you deserve nothing less.

Enjoy your day.

The Upbeat Dad

   

Post-Divorce Parenting: Visitation vs Time-Sharing

Well, well, well, it seems that things and times are changing afterall. And it’s a change for the better, I believe. What am I talking about? Well, today’s post is about the concept of visitation versus time-sharing. It’s a concept that I’ve long thought about based on my own experience and I’m so glad to know that the courts – at least here in Florida – are finally coming around to the concept that I’ve spoken about for such a long time.

Last week I was speaking with a family law attorney who shared with me that in Florida, legally, the term “visitation” is no longer used when speaking of the time that a child spends with a parent after a divorce. The term “time-sharing” is now used. In other words, a child no longer visits his/her parent – instead (s)he spends time. To some readers, this may not seem like much but if you’ve read this blog for any length of time, you’d know that I’m a big advocate for the time-sharing concept.

Like I shared in my post The Story Behind The Upbeat Dad, I went through a divorce in the early 2000s. That legal process awakened me to the reality that many families face each day as husbands and wives fall out of love and into the family law system. It was a big eye opener indeed. There were a series of things that bothered me but the most significant of them was the term visitation. I even wrote the post From Father to Visitor about the process.

When my daughter was conceived, I was as happy as a lark. I knew of the impending responsibility to take care of her so, in a sense, I was scared that a life was going to be entrusted to my former wife and me. I didn’t know if we were really ready for all that it would take to raise a child. But I was still excited nonetheless to think that I was going to be a father. Something about that thought brought  a sense of pride to me.

My former wife and I have shared the responsibility for our daughter’s care – from even before she was born. I never missed a doctor’s appointment throughout the pregnancy. I was in the delivery room when she was born (I joke with her today that I’m the first face she saw when she was born because I was standing right there as she made her first earthly appearance). I was there every step of the way after her birth – taking her to the pediatrician, the day care, to birthday parties and just everything that a loving parent should do. We were both involved - none more than the other.

So when the marriage ended, I really had a problem with the legal term “visitation.” How did I, almost overnight, go from being “daddy” to “visitor”? I think that that term suggested that I was a 2^nd tier parent – she lives with her mother and visits me. A typical dad who went through a divorce at that time would be happy to just get the standard “every other weekend” and he’s good to go – no need for anything further. That just didn’t seem right to me, especially considering that I’ve always been close with my daughter.

I could not take on the court system by myself so I was determined to help as many people as possible before they even got to that phase. I was on a campaign to save marriages and other relationships so that people would avoid the harsh realities of the family law system. I feel for kids who really have no voice in the way the process is carried out; they just have to deal with the outcome.

The attorney who I referenced earlier told me that in Florida, time-sharing is now the rule of law – no longer visitation. In addition, the courts now try to work out a 50/50 schedule – no longer one parent being the primary custodial parent while the other gets “visits” from their kids. That’s the point that I have been making all along. I’m just happy to see that the courts came to the conclusion that the time-sharing concept is better. I really believe that kids are better for it.

Today, my daughter lives with my new wife, our son and me. When she is with me, she’s at home. When she’s with her mom, my former wife, she’s also at home. She has two homes where she is loved and cherished. That’s the message that we ought to send our kids.

Several years ago, as I reflected on this entire transitional period that I went through, I wrote the following poem:

Visitation

By Rodrick Walters

I was there when the doctor told us

That we were having a girl

Our parents were right there to hold us

We were so on top of the world;

I was right there for your christening

I was holding my bundle of joy

The preacher said, “Look, do you see him?

He’s smiling like a little boy;"

I was there when you started the first grade

You made me the proudest of dads

I really thought I had it made

Didn’t know things would turn out so bad;

Now the marriage I lived for is over

We’ve started new lives on our own

Now I struggle as I try to recover

‘Cause you live all the way across town;

I’m your father, not a visitor

This feeling is so new to me

I want to see you grow older

To be what a father should be;

I just don’t know ‘bout this system

Didn’t know it was really this bad

I don’t want you to be a victim

I just want to be your dad;

Yet I still hope for tomorrow

I know better days lie ahead

But for now I mask this sorrow

Some words are better left unsaid

My dear, I will leave you never

So you don’t have to be sad

This tie no one can sever

I’m always, forever, your dad.

Those words were written from the heart back then. Looking at it now, I smile because things have worked out just fine. And my daughter is doing great.

 If you’re a parent and somehow you find yourself in the position that I was in so long ago, just know that your kids are always your kids. I don’t know if the law in your jurisdiction uses the term “visitation” or not. I do know that if you treasure your kids as you should, nothing can change the fact that your kids are yours and you have a great responsibility for them. Visitation, to me, is when they go to visit their grandparents or other relatives. When they are with you, they are at home – even if you and the other parent don't live together.

I hope that this post has been an encouragement to you, particularly if you’re a parent who’s learning how to live without your kids in the home all the time. Just give them your love always and sooner or later, it will all work itself out. You can raise well-adjusted, successful kids even while parenting apart.

Enjoy yourself today.

The Upbeat Dad

The Storm and The Calm: A Lesson for Divorced Parents

A couple of weeks ago I was contacted by a gentleman who attended one of our Upbeat Dad Community Forums. He has been going through a challenging time in his marriage and most recently, he and his wife separated. They have two young children, both under 5 years old. He wanted to get my perspective on his situation and to know of any insight that I could share.

As we sat and spoke, it became increasingly clear to me that he was living the life that I lived 10 years ago at this point. The situations are somewhat different but the similarities were striking. He invested his all into a relationship and now he’s seeing it crumble in front of his eyes. And in the midst of it all are his young children. I can certainly relate to that feeling  – wanting a relationship to work out but knowing quite well that it is likely over.

He is currently separated and based on what he shared with me, I really doubt that there’s any hope of saving that marriage. I wish that I could talk to his wife to see if there’s any hope of salvaging that relationship. I’m always for reconciliation, especially when there are kids involved – young kids, in particular. But this one, I think, is likely over. I told him that if they should go to the next step and file for divorce, things could get worse before they get better. There’s no telling just what might occur, especially if there are unreasonable demands made by either party. It can be an emotionally – and financially - draining experience for sure.

After about 2 hours of sitting and speaking with him, I realized something quite significant. As we started out the conversation, his perspective was that there was doom and gloom ahead. By the time we finished speaking, he had developed a different perspective – one of hope and optimism. I believe that, based on my own experience, I was able to let him know that, though he’s walking through a storm presently, if he maintains the right perspective, then inevitably, the calm will come.

I have shared my story on this blog in various posts, including The Story Behind The Upbeat Dad and The Awful Night 10 Years Ago That Led Me to Start The Upbeat Dad. Please read those posts to get a perspective on the journey I’ve taken. As you read, I hope that you understand the source of the passion that I have developed for seeing fathers engaged in the lives of their children.

Here’s the most important point I can make with this post: regardless of the difficulties that arise in a divorce, when there are kids involved, if we adopt the right mindset, things will ultimately turn out for our good and the good of our children. After the storm comes the calm, and life goes on.

I have seen couples fight for the assets acquired in their marriages – the house, the cars, the investments, the 401K, etc. I have also seen them fight for custody of their children and in the process, stoop to low depths to get their way. And I can tell you that in just about all of the cases, the persons who made decisions in the best interest of the children ultimately found themselves in a better position.

As I told the gentleman, I’m not an attorney so I can’t give legal advice. I can only give advice based on my own experience and the principles that I believe will put him in the most favorable position. So I told him to have the right focus. He and his wife have accumulated some assets – house, cars, and other material things. I believe that he should seek to divide these assets evenly. That’s the ideal, I believe. But sometimes in family court, things don’t quite work out that way.

I then told him, that when it comes to the kids, he should not compromise on the one factor that matters most – time with them. His wife wants him to have them every other weekend. The whole thing about “every other weekend,” I think is just wrong. Young kids cannot develop a close bond with a parent when they see him/her on what amounts to every 2 weeks. In my view, kids share the DNA of their parents 50/50 so when marriages end, the time shared between parents should also be 50/50.

I also advised him that, at no point, should he say anything negative regarding their mother in their presence. Some parents think that by saying the worst things about the other parent, that will give them an advantage in the eyes of the children. That might work in the short-run but, in time, it generally backfires. Children are smarter than we think. No matter how young they are, they know when the love of a parent is genuine. You may have heard the saying “love conquers all.” I have found that to be true, especially as it relates to the affection towards one’s children during divorce.  

One thing that stood out to me when I spoke with him was that he was going through inner turmoil. I recall that feeling but guess what? I was far removed from those emotions. It was a distant memory. Ten years ago this month my divorce was finalized and, believe me, at that time, I thought the world was coming to an end. I was living through a nightmare that seemed to get worst by the minute. The storm was raging then and even got worse in the next couple years after that.

But here we are today. Those emotions are all gone. Life has moved on. It doesn’t matter that I lost the house and just about all the material things we acquired. My focus was on my then-3 year old daughter. Today, I’m happily married to a wonderful woman and we have a gorgeous little almost 2 year old son. And my daughter is now 13 and she lives with us. The calm has come and I appreciate it so much more because I have the relative experience of the storm to put it all in perspective.

If you’re currently experiencing divorce and its effects, be encouraged. As the saying goes, “tough times don’t last – tough people do.” Keep focused on your kids and somehow things will all get aligned in your favor and theirs.

As I wrote this post, I was listening to Jimmy Cliff’s Greatest Hits. I think that a fitting way to conclude these words of encouragement come from the chorus of his song Better Days are. Check out these lyrics:

Better days are coming by and by

Don’t you get downhearted, don’t you cry

Troubles will be over, all our joys come over

Better days are coming by and by.

Encouraging huh? Indeed better days are coming. Better days are here for me and for so many others who have walked the road you’re walking now. And they will be for you too. Just hang in there because after the storms of life, comes the calm. We cannot always control the storms but if we keep focused despite the raging winds, we’ll come through on the other side just fine. Keep your head up and stay encouraged.

I hope that this was just that “picker upper” that you needed to make it through today. Now go out and make it a wonderful day!

The Upbeat Dad

Onward to the Next Frontier: The Vision of the Upbeat Dad Organization!

In October 2010, I launched the Upbeat Dad blog simply for the purpose of empowering dads to become actively engaged in the lives of their children. I didn’t quite know what the response would have been but I just had an overwhelming desire to help others through this medium. If even one person would stand to benefit from this work, then to me, it would be worth it.

Today, over 20 months later, I have written 214 blog posts. We have well over 200,000 hits on the site, with readers on every continent except Antarctica – not sure if they have internet there anyway! I’ve had the privilege of having positive exchanges with members of our audience from all over the world through the blog, our Facebook page and on our Twitter feeds. I have had several interviews with different media sources including the BBC. We have had two Upbeat Dad Community Forums to date. I have spoken at different conferences including the Head Start in Miami and The Divorce Expo in Detroit. So it’s been an eventful almost two years!

As the vision has unfolded, I have come to the realization that the Upbeat Dad concept is more about a cause than anything. In its true essence, it’s a positive force for change. The underlying theme that’s been echoed by others with whom I’ve interacted as I’ve carried out this work is that the message is so needed. So with that, I have sought to put in place an infrastructure to address many of the issues that have been identified.

All of this has led to the forming in late 2011 of the Upbeat Dad Organization, Inc., a non-profit corporation whose mission is to empower fathers and to support families. As this phase of the vision is unfolding, I am realizing more and more how much work there is to do. Well, maybe I shouldn’t call it work – it’s more fun than anything. But the possibilities of what might be accomplished are endless. It’s all for the purpose of helping dads to play their part in the raising of their children.

Some men become fathers but don’t quite know how to be dads. The term father is a term of biology. But dad is a term of endearment. Then there are men who deeply desire to be involved in the lives of their children but because of various obstacles that dominate the family law system, their efforts seem futile. There are so many issues that are prevalent when it comes to the matter of fatherhood. So we have developed a systematic approach to address many of these issues. There is certainly no “one size fits all” solution to these issues. So step by step we are tackling the problems that we’ve identified.

I haven’t written quite as many blog posts recently. I do plan to get back to writing more frequently, ideally at least one or two per week. I recognize the importance of these posts, as I believe they give practical solutions to the different issues that men deal with. But behind the scenes, there’s quite a bit of work being done. Let’s just say that the blueprint for a masterpiece is being assembled. And it’s my opinion that that masterpiece will be for your benefit.

I believe that the cause for which the organization has been formed is great. In the coming weeks, months and years, you’ll begin to see the vision unfold to a greater extent than it has to this point. We have formed strategic alliances with various organizations including the Miami Dolphins. We will have more public events – ones that will function as the ground war in a military operation. We have engaged the services of a team of consultants whose responsibility is to help us develop certain modules to effect change in different parts of our society, including the corporate arena, the educational system, the prison system, the political system, the legal system and more.

The purpose of this post is to really affirm our commitment to practicing what we’ve preached since we launched this site almost two years ago. I hope that you have a glimpse of where we are going with this. I often say that it’s the cause of a lifetime. Having been through a divorce and now having the privilege of raising a new family, along with my daughter from my first marriage, I know just how fortunate and blessed I am. So I seek to empower others to take the “upbeat” approach and do the right thing for their kids.

I think that we’re embarking on an exciting phase of the vision. So do stay engaged with us. And share any of our posts with others who you think will benefit from what we seek to share. More than anything, I believe that children will have more a promising future when their dads are actively involved in their development. So the purpose behind all that we do will be to help these dads to have that positive impact.

Do enjoy your day. And stay tuned – the best is yet to come!

The Upbeat Dad

Kim Kardashian: What We Can Learn From Her Impending Divorce

Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Kim Kardashian is getting divorced after only 72 days!

Wow! Yes, that’s right. The newlywed star is getting divorced. But the honeymoon isn’t over yet, is it? Apparently it is. Ok, so what does that have to do with you and me? Isn’t this site about fatherhood? Well, read on – we’re going somewhere with this.

For those who may not know, Kim Kardashian is a reality television star. Her show, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, put her and her family on the map in 2007. And since then, she’s had a meteoric rise to fame. She and her sisters have starred in hit spinoffs, Kourtney and Kim Take Miami and Kourtney and Kim Take New York. She’s also starred on ABC’s hit series Dancing With the Stars. Add other accomplishments such as successfully launching multiple fragrances and you’ll get the picture: Kim Kardashian is a star.

She began dating NBA player Kris Humphries of the New Jersey Nets in October 2010. They became engaged in May 2011, and married on August 20, 2011 in an elegant made-for-TV wedding in Montecito, California. It was broadcast on the E! television network and watched by millions around the world. Reportedly, Kardashian and Humphries made $17.9 million from the ceremony. And how much did the wedding cost? Some estimates say $20 million. And unlike many young couples, these costs weren’t out of pocket expenses for them. They paid little or none of the cost of the elaborate event. Celebrity does have its privileges.

Well, just 72 days into the marriage, to the surprise of millions, on October 31, 2011, Kim filed for divorce from Humphries, citing irreconcilable differences. In less than 2 ½ months, apparently, it just wasn’t working.

There are different schools of thought on what actually occurred. Some believe that the marriage was a stunt to get the media and fans talking. A widely held view in many circles is that any publicity is good publicity. So, to them, this was a stunt to enhance the Kardashian brand. When people say, “Can you believe that Kim Kardashian is getting a divorce?” that results in greater awareness of the brand and spells $$$$. That’s just how it works.

The E! network defended itself for partnership with the couple by airing their wedding with the following statement: “Any insinuation that E! and producers orchestrated Kim’s wedding is completely false. The Kardashians have authentically lived their lives on camera for a long time and Kim’s wedding is one of the many real-life events that the family has shared with viewers…”

Others believe that it was just as Kardashian claimed in her divorce filing – their differences were irreconcilable. It’s highly unusual that a couple divorces after less than 3 months but it’s not entirely impossible. Stranger things have happened. But regardless of what true reasons are, the divorce has been filed and now the legal process of ending the marriage has begun.

There are some lessons imbedded in this story that I hope that men, women and children learn. I believe that families will be better for it. So here are the lessons:

Marriage has traditionally been a sacred institution – one that should not be entered into lightly. “Till death do us part,” is a phrase often repeated in wedding ceremonies. So, in repeating the vows, couples really are saying that despite the challenges that inevitably arise, they will remain committed to each other until death. Words such as “for richer, for poorer; in sickness, in health, for better, for worse” used to be revered to the extent that divorce was never an option.

But over time, divorce has increasingly become the norm in our society. Take a look at these statistics, for instance: In the United States, in 1900, 7.9% of marriages ended in divorce. The percentage increased to 23.1% in 1950; to 48.1% in 1975 and to and 50.3% in 2000. You get the picture? Couples are stay together less.

Certainly there are a variety of factors that have caused the change. One prevalent factor is that women have joined the workforce in increasing numbers over the decades. Previously, many women who were unhappily married opted to remain in those marriages because they were less educated and would likely endure financial turmoil if they opted to leave. But in today’s world, many more options are available to them.

Add kids to the picture and marriages take on greater significance. Some divorced couples trace the demise of their marriages to the birth of their children and the manifestation of fundamental differences in the viewpoints on how they should be raised. Indeed, having kids adds a new dimension to the married life.

I tend to be somewhat traditional in my viewpoints on marriage. Perhaps it’s because I’ve seen my parents happily grow together while raising my 3 siblings and me. This year they celebrated 47 years of marriage. Statistics show that children with actively engaged fathers and mothers in a two-parent household fare better than their peers who do not enjoy the same privilege. When dads and moms work together to raise children, the married life can be quite rewarding.

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries didn’t have kids – 72 days isn’t a long time, is it? In my view, that’s one good thing that comes out of this story. Children are often the innocent victims – collateral damage, if you will, when marriages fail. Since this couple had no kids, when this marriage is over, even if the divorce proceedings should get messy, it is over. When kids are present, there’s a perpetual tie that binds mother, father and child(ren).

Another lesson I’d like to look at in this impending divorce is the fact that in our society, we often emphasize the glamour and elegance of weddings and fail to give the same emphasis to the marriages. Weddings can truly be beautiful. If you saw the Kardashian / Humphries wedding, you can attest to this. $20 million can go a long way!

One of my fondest childhood memories was waking up early one summer morning at my uncle’s home in Jamaica and watching the wedding of Prince Charles and Lady Diana. Some called that the wedding of the century. Now a generation later, their son, Prince William took Kate Middleton to be his bride earlier this year. I wrote William & Catherine;Charles & Diana: What We Can Learn From Them as I thought of these two royal couples and their fairy tale weddings. Charles and Diana didn’t fare quite so well. I do hope that William and Kate’s relationship stands the test of time.

You see, wedding ceremonies are great. Honeymoons can be greater. But it’s the marriages that tell what couples are really made of. Sprinting to the altar after a whirlwind romance is fine; but marriage is a marathon – one filled with twists and turns that can either cause the demise of a relationship or make it become more fortified.I know of couples that separate and divorced while still having outstanding debts incurred from their wedding. How sad is that? I’m all for memorable weddings but what good does it do to not have the same devotion to every detail of the marriage as there is to the wedding?

The final lesson I’d like to share regarding this couple’s divorce is that we should not become so enamored with celebrities that we lose ourselves and our core convictions in the process. Hollywood thrives on the public intrigue with its stars. There’s a reason why the E! network is so successful. Celebrity sells, plain and simple.

The unfortunate consequence to this, in my view, is that people view the lives of celebrities and watch their every move. And many believe that whatever their favorite star says or does is to be embraced. Young children, in particular, are impressionable and can be easily influenced while observing the lives of their favorite stars.

In the Kim Kardashian case, I believe that her 72 day marriage has sent a message to young children that marriage isn’t really a serious commitment – you get in, get out and move on. For this reason, I implore dads and moms to teach strong traditional family values to their children. I have a 13 year old and a 15 month old. I would like to think that my wife and I would instill such values in them that, regardless of what a famous star says or does, they would emulate the values taught to them by their parents. That’s the true responsibility of parenthood.

I hope that these pointers I’ve shared here have been beneficial to you. This impending divorce has been in the news recently so I figured I’d share thoughts on the matter that would ultimately benefit families across the world.What happens next with this divorcing couple, I don’t know – I’m not one to keep up with the Kardashians! The 72 day wedding is their legacy unfortunately. I do wish them well as they live their lives. I also wish that they, as well as other celebrities, would recognize the degree of influence that they have on the lives of others and therefore, make decisions that would result in them having a positive influence on the public.

If you’re married, especially if you have children, please do your best to keep it together. If you’re unmarried and desire to be married, do choose wisely. If more than 50% of marriages fail, tell yourself that yours will be one that not only succeeds but also thrives. The love in our homes is ultimately what makes our world go around.

Celebrities are great to watch and observe; but as we all live our lives, let’s embrace the values that will lead us to build happy, successful marriages and families. We deserve nothing less.

Enjoy your day today.

 

The Upbeat Dad