An Appeal to Fathers in Unintended Pregnancies

I traveled to Jamaica recently to speak at a convention. While I was there, I met a single mother whose story touched my heart, to the point that, when I returned from the trip, I shared with my wife that I think we should help to play our part to help her dreams become a reality.

Her story, sadly, isn’t altogether uncommon.  She is relatively young and like many others, she had dreams of becoming a success in life, of meeting her Prince Charming and then riding off into the sunset to live happily ever after, as tends to happen in fairy tale stories.

 Things seemed to be going according to plan. She was on her way to live the life of her dreams when her story took an unexpected turn. She met a young man who she thought was her Prince Charming – her knight in shining armor. They talked of a future together. Well one day, about 4 years ago, she found out that she was pregnant with their child. And that day revealed to her just how charming her prince was.

She said that literally, that was the very last day that she has seen or corresponded with him. This wasn’t part of the plan but when he found out what a pregnancy meant, he wanted no part of it so he opted to walk away altogether from a situation that he helped to create.

So there she was – left to go through the pregnancy all alone. She did so despite not having the means to support herself or the child that she was carrying. However, she had an optimistic outlook, knowing that, despite the challenging scenario presented to her, she could turn her lemons into lemonade. 

She has come a long way; she has a son – now 3 years old and she is getting her life on track. She has aspirations of becoming a business owner. She’s filled with optimism for the future and having spoken with her, I have no doubt that she will be successful. Though she is overseas, my wife and I plan to support her in her business and life pursuits, as best as we can. She had a tough situation to deal with and has opted to make the best of it. She is working hard now and is giving her all to help her son have a bright and promising future.

Her story reminds me a sub-plot of the classic musical Les Miserables. A young lady named Fantine found herself in a similar state. Like many others, she had great dreams of having a Prince Charming type of a man to come into her life and sweep her off her feet so that they could live happily ever after.

But her reality was that the man who swept her off her feet, the one who she thought was Prince Charming, was only along for the ride long enough to get her pregnant. And by the time she realized all that happened, she found herself destitute, as a young, single mother, wondering why her dream became a nightmare.

She became a single mother who could not afford to raise her daughter on her own so she ended up becoming a prostitute. It was not quite her intent to sell her body for a living but out of desperation, she found herself living a life she hated, just to try to make ends meet.

In one of the more touching scenes from that musical, Fantine sings the song, I Dreamed a Dream. Look at the lyrics of this song and see if you can imagine the emotions as she pours her heart into it:

I Dreamed a Dream

There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

Anne Hathaway as Fantine (Les Miserables)

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dream to shame

He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

The sad reality of Fantine’s life is that she became extremely ill. And before she could be cured, she died. The rest of the story is one of hope and optimism because her daughter, Cosette, was lovingly raised by the main character of the musical, Jean Valjean and she grew up and met and married her loving, Prince Charming named Marius. Cosette lived the charmed life that her mother could have only dreamed of. For Fantine, her story was a sad one but fortunately, a beautiful story ensued for her daughter.

Why do I share this story – both about Fantine and the young lady I met in Jamaica? Well, it’s a plea – an appeal, if you will, for us as men to realize the responsibility of fatherhood. I recognize that not every pregnancy occurs under the ideal circumstances. Certainly many pregnancies  are unwanted and unwelcome – both by the would-be mother and/or the would-be father. But the simple fact is that no child has ever asked to be conceived. They come into the world with no choice of their own.

This appeal is to my fellow fathers. I believe that far too often, women are left to raise the children that we helped to create without our aid. It’s not always easy, I know – especially when the relationships with the mothers have soured. Still, at a minimum, these children deserve our financial and emotional support. I recognize that the family law system can be unfair to men in many ways. I have experienced that personally. But I also know that our children deserve our love and support; therefore, I believe that so we ought to step up to the plate – to use the baseball analogy – and do the right thing for our kids.

If you have read this post and need to take some corrective action, I encourage you to do so. You will find a sense of fulfillment, knowing that you are contributing to the needs of a child that you have helped to bring into this world. Perhaps you have been missing in action and need to make that phone call or send that text message to begin making things right. The process all begins with the decision to make things right and step by step, you can become the type of father that your child deserves.

Making the investment in our children, although difficult, at times, pays dividends for a lifetime. Let’s accept the responsibility that comes with fatherhood. Generations of children are counting on us!

Enjoy your day,

The Upbeat Dad

Reflecting On Our New Arrival

Rodrick's newborn son

A week ago today, our family was thrilled to welcome a new child into the world. We already have a 14 year old daughter and a 2 year old son. Now we have another son to add to the mix! The 3 Musketeers, if you will! In the week that has passed, I'm amazed at all that's transpired. Some of it has been predictable; some of it I couldn't have seen coming. But altogether it has set the stage for what I envision to be a fulfilling experience.

As you probably know from reading this blog, I'm passionate about the institution of the family. I've achieved a few things in my life but nothing compares to the role of being a husband and father. There's such a sense of purpose that comes with raising a family – going through the process of welcoming children into the world and teaching them how to take their place in the world as productive citizens. It's not all fun and games - it's serious stuff. But it's such rewarding stuff. And here we are, doing it all over again!

Rodrick and family

As I reflect on the new birth, I'm humbled at the thought of the responsibility given to us - to successfully raise 3 children, each with a unique personality. It's a daunting task, on the one hand. On the other, it's an opportunity to put into practice the principles that are at the core of what my wife and I believe - children are precious gifts and ultimately, their success in life depends, to a great extent, on the environment in which they are raised.

Now here we are - adding a new child to our family and hoping we strike the right chords to help him and his brother and sister to live meaningful lives. There's no magic formula to successfully take the journey we're embarking on. Much of it is unchartered territory for us. But I'm fully convinced that, as the expression goes, "love will find a way." Love will help us make the right decisions as we mold these young lives.

In the week that has transpired since the new birth, I have seen a preview of what the coming months and years will be like. Remember, we have a teenager and a 2 year old. Our daughter is a high school freshman so she's been very much aware of what to expect with the new birth. She's been a trooper these past few months. As the pregnancy progressed, she has stepped up and assumed more responsibilities around the house. She has done a great job of doing her chores - like washing dishes, doing her laundry, etc. Her room isn't always as neat as it should be but still, she's done great so far.

Rodrick's teenage daughter and newborn son

She does all of this while learning to navigate her way through the challenging experience of being in high school. Her school is very competitive and it requires her to work harder than she has up to this point - lots of late nights and early mornings. And occasional weekend school activities too. She's involved in certain extracurricular activities that are demanding of her time. She's also involved in the youth group at our church. Needless to say, she has her hands full.

As parents, we know that, since the younger 2 kids need our involvement more, quite easily our daughter could become less of a priority to us. If we're not careful, we could invest all our time on the younger 2 while she drifts along. But then, wisdom says that, she needs us now more than ever. Why? Because she's at the stage where she's beginning to make life-altering decisions. Think of this - in just over 3 years, she's off to college. She's now seriously thinking about her future career. Soon she'll start dating; soon she'll be driving. So yes, she needs us to help her through this phase.

Then comes our 2 year old. My wife and I have been told by so many people that as long as the baby's in the womb, he will be ok. But when the baby's born, it's another story. So said, so done! I can tell from this moment, that the challenge of raising these kids will be more with the younger 2. If we learn how to manage the relationship between them, then they could become best friends for a lifetime. If we don't, then they could become lifetime rivals. We have such a significant role to play in this.  

When our older boy came to the hospital to see his new baby brother, he was excited! He smiled with the pride of a big brother. At this time, the baby was in the bassinet. Then the baby started crying. My wife picked him up and held him in her arms, trying to sooth him but he didn't stop. Then the 2 year old started crying, wanting her to hold him too. But she couldn't pick him up as before; after all, she just gave birth. I tried to sooth him but he wasn't having it - he just kept crying. He wasn't a happy camper at all. It's like he felt displaced by the new arrival. So I left the room with him till he calmed down a bit.

Rodrick's toddler and newborn sons

Then the day after my wife and newborn were discharged from the hospital, we went to the pediatrician for the baby's first doctor's visit. As we sat, talking to the doctor with the baby in my wife's arms, the 2 year old folded his arms, turned his back, and with a frown on his face said, "That's not fair! That’s not fair everyone!"

Now, even though he knows the baby's name and says it all the time, sometimes when he ask him the name, he says, "I don't know!" It’s just his way of trying to say he’s not ready to concede the limelight to a younger brother.

In the midst of all this, my wife and I recognize that this is all normal. We were told it would happen. Our friends and family tell us of different stories where the same thing occurred. My mom even tells me that when I was a newborn, my older brother (who's 2 years older than me), punched me in my stomach when she wasn't looking. I invaded his territory - our mom's arms - and he wasn't happy at all.  

Our 2 year old will be just fine as long as we are aware of the dynamics at work here. He actually has gotten better over the past few days as he's seen that the attention isn't all gone away from him. We make a concerted effort to make him a part of all that's going on. We try to help him know that having a new little brother is actually a good thing.

And another thing has worked wonders - from early in the pregnancy, my wife's OB-Gyn encouraged us to get a gift for him from the newborn. That way, he would be more open to embracing a little brother - call it a peace-offering if you will. We did just that - we got him a toy car. He absolutely loves it and I think we've set the stage for a great relationship between them both.

Rodrick's toddler son with gift from his newborn brother

One thing that I didn't see coming in all of this is that he and I are probably closer today than we've ever been. You see, before, everything we did was as a family. But now that my wife is the primary caretaker of the newborn, he needs me a bit more now. So we've started to do things together - one on one. We've gone for a few walks, I've read to him, I've cooked for him more than I have before. Now I'm thinking of the limitless possibilities of what we can do together - introducing him to different sports I played growing up - baseball, basketball, tennis. It's a really cool thought - he needs more of me and I'm more than happy to oblige!

Then there's our newborn. He's an adorable little guy and we're so thrilled to have him. Studies show that 90% of brain development occurs in the first 3 years. So the environment that we set around him will shape and mold him for years to come. With both our older children, it just seems like the newborn stage was short-lived. They progressed so quickly. With our new one, I want to enjoy every moment, letting him know that he's in a home where love and respect for each family member is paramount.

Rodrick's newborn son

One thing I know we need to be careful of it helping him to develop his own identity. He’s the last child and it’s easy to have expectations of him based on what we see in his older siblings. Also, I’m sure that many of his clothes will be “hand me downs” from his older brother. That might not seem like a big deal but for a baby brother, it could become a real issue. Another thing that we need to be aware of is that older siblings often feel that the younger ones are spoiled because they get away with things that the older ones don’t get away with. We just need to look out for it.

So there you have it! As I see it, this is just another opportunity to put into practice the principles that I write and talk about with the entire Upbeat Dad movement. It's less about what I might write and say; it's really about what I do. No one is perfect; my wife and I don't have the answers to everything. But I believe that as long as our actions are guided by love and by what's in the best interest of the children, then we'll be just fine.

Parenting is one of the most thrilling experiences one could have. And to have the opportunity to raise 3 kids is more than I could possibly have hoped for. It's the opportunity of a lifetime - one that we readily embrace. I do not know how things will turn out ultimately but I'm confident that, if we play our part, each of them will grow up to become successful, productive members of society who will make us proud. And that thought has me feeling pretty "upbeat" right now!

Enjoy your day,

Rodrick and his children

The Upbeat Dad

What Can We Learn from the Fearless Nature of Babies?

My son recently turned 8 months old. Now he’s becoming mobile – no longer just sitting and looking at things around him. He’s starting to creep. He hasn’t quite perfected the skill just yet. But he’s learning. My daughter is 12 years old and it really does seem like only yesterday that she was at that stage.

As she became more mobile, I recall thinking how much better it was when she would only just lie there – no creeping around and pulling down things and putting strange things in her mouth. But as the golf expression goes, it’s par for the course. In other words, it comes with the territory. Kids grow and develop and that’s part of the process.

I have learned a very important life lesson from watching my kids grow. My son is at the stage now where this lesson certainly applies. He does not yet know of the dangers that his different movements can present. He hasn’t yet learned what it’s like to fall off the bed; or to have something on a shelf fall on him. Right now, he’s just all about moving around and exploring his surroundings.

Just last week he was on the bed one morning and he saw my cell phone on the bedside table. He made his way across the bed and when he got to the edge, it’s as if there was no edge at all. He was so ready to get the phone that, in his mind, he would probably just be suspended in midair in the process of reaching for the phone. Had I not grabbed him, he would have fallen off the bed. There was absolutely no fear of falling on his part. That’s typical of a child at his stage. He knows no fear when it comes to such matters.

That got me thinking. There’s a lesson in this part of the nature of children for each of us adults. What can we learn from this? Well, check this out:

Babies do not know of the inherent danger in doing some of the things that they do. They only know that they like to explore their surroundings. Sometimes in life, there are things that we know we want to do but to a great degree, fear grips us and has such a hold on us that it’s as if we’re paralyzed and never take any action. We analyze and contemplate every possible pro and con and before we know it, time passes us by and we still haven’t taken action. Have you ever heard the term “analysis paralysis?” We think about decisions so much that we end up not doing the very thing that we set out to do.

As our kids grow and develop, they become more aware of the dangers that their actions can cause. That’s why, as parents, we have to be so mindful of their every move. They’ll put the strangest things in their mouths and to them, it’s no big deal. They open cabinets and pull out pots and pans and it’s all a learning process for them.

Inevitably, they get hurt or otherwise disappointed as they take these actions. But the point is that they have taken action. Do you know how much they learn as they explore their surroundings? I dare say that for every accident that occurs during their exploration, there are much more beneficial lessons that they learn. If they sat still and never took any action, they certainly wouldn’t have any accidents or incidents. But at the same time, they wouldn’t learn much would they?

Sometimes, as adults, we are so fearful of failing that we’d rather stand back and watch others take action while we sit back where it’s comfortable for us. I do believe that we learn much from observing others but I also believe that in order for us to realize our greatest potential, we must develop the fearless nature that is so evident in babies. Even when we do fail, sometimes the lessons that we learn are so priceless that, given the choice, we’d do it again.

How will you know what you can do if you don’t try? How will your gifts be used to help others if you simply sit and analyze each situation? The calculated risks that we take can lead us to some of the greatest rewards we could ever realize.

My challenge to you with this post is to learn from the youngest citizens of this world. Forget your own weaknesses and inhibitions and just take action to realize your hopes and dreams. This lesson applies to every phase of our lives. A couple might be struggling and might be hesitant to seek marriage counseling because of preconceived notions about that process. So they never seek counseling and end up divorced. In this scenario, do you think they might have benefited from counseling? What’s there to lose?

In our careers and professional lives, the benefits from this lesson ought to scream out to us! We want to climb the corporate ladder. We want to start that business we’ve dreamed about. We want to go back to school and finish the degree that we started but never quite finished. But then we think and analyze and overanalyze every possible angle of these decisions and then we end up taking no action at all.

Have you heard the saying, “It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?” I’ll state that in another way, “It is better to try and fail than not to try at all.” Some things in life are just worth trying.

I hope you embrace the truth of this lesson. You are loaded with great potential! Let the smallest among us inspire us to achieve true greatness!

Enjoy your day!

The Upbeat Dad

Knowing Your Baby’s Cry

Today’s post is something that I think every parent who has bonded with their baby can understand. Our son is now 5 months old and my wife and I are amazed at how quickly time has flown by. He’s passed through so many stages and is really at a fun stage right now. And as I recall with our daughter, it only gets better with time.

In life, there are many things that may cause us discomfort. We may be too hot or too cold. We may be hungry or sleepy or just simply annoyed. Whatever the reason for our discomfort, most of us can speak and tell others the reason. And in most cases, we can actively do something about it.

But babies don’t come out of the womb talking. That’s a learned skill. Their only means of communication when something’s wrong is crying. But how do we know what our baby’s cry means? I used to think that they just do it for the sake of doing it. When our daughter was a baby, I quickly learned that there’s a specific reason that they cry. They may be: hungry, wet, tired, sleepy, sick. Or perhaps they may be gassy and need to burp.

My mom tells me that when I was a baby, I was an angel by day – I slept and ate and slept and ate. But by night, I was awful. I cried and was just a handful to deal with. No amount of food or anything seemed to calm me down. I guess I was just miserable.

From what I’ve grown to understand, that’s not typical. Babies generally cry for specific reasons and when the reason is satisfied, they’re just fine.  Now with our little one, my wife and I, as we’ve bonded with him, can tell within a minute or so why he’s crying. Sometimes he’s in an uncomfortable position. Sometimes he’s hungry. Or perhaps he just wants to be held.

How do we know why he’s crying? That’s something hard to explain. We just know it. And we’re generally right. One funny thing with him when he’s feeding is that he often wants to burp. But because he’s hungry, he doesn’t want to stop eating to burp. So while feeding he starts to wiggle to get rid of the gas. When this happens, we just stop, burp him and he’s back to his meal in no time. To me this experience is quite fascinating.  

A separate issue is that our son could be in a room with 10 other babies but if he begins to cry, we know it instantaneously. A bonded parent just knows that cry and could pick it out even if there were 100 babies in the room.

Why do I share this post today? First I believe it’s something that other parents can relate to. But the other side of the coin is that I believe far too many dads are missing out on this stage of their children’s development. Many dads are not emotionally connected with their babies so when they are around them, if they begin crying, they have no idea how to soothe them and get them to stop crying.

Babies are new to the world but let’s not make the mistake to think they don’t know what’s going on. They are naturally connected to those who they spend the most time with and with those who meet their needs that they can only express by crying.

I’m sure that before long, our son will get to the stage where he fusses and cries when being held by a stranger, wanting to go back to mom or dad or another person with whom he’s familiar. I wonder how many fathers have children that would refuse to go to them today simply because they don’t recognize them and are not familiar with them? Hmmm. That’s a question to ponder.

I’m not ignorant to the fact that there are dads who want to be involved and connected with their kids but because of certain legal measures, are not able to make that connection. That’s certainly frustrating, I know. But I also know that some dads – especially those who are not married to the mothers of their children – do not make enough effort to bond with their babies. And the unfortunate consequence is that their kids begin life without the special connection that should exist between father and child.

I hope this post has been enlightening and encouraging to you. I also hope that it speaks to the heart of our dads who need to become more bonded with their kids. I believe that every child needs each parent in their life. And the more that we connect with them, the more deeply rooted their trust in us will become.

Enjoy your kids. They won’t be young forever. And keep that special bond with them – it really lasts a lifetime.

Have a great day.

The Upbeat Dad