Disciplinarian Parenting Style? Or Fun Parenting? Which is Better?

Just over 10 years ago when my former wife relocated to the northeast US, I was really distraught that the judge signed off on the move. You see, she was taking our 4 year old daughter with her, much to my dismay. I thought it would have been detrimental to the father / daughter bond that had been developed up to that point. The judge said that my daughter should be with her mom throughout the school year but during breaks from school – summertime, Thanksgiving, Christmas and Spring Break, etc – she would be with me.

In trying to encourage me, my attorney said, “Think of it this way – you’ll get to be the fun parent!” I started thinking about that. When my daughter’s with me, I could do all the fun things like take her shopping or to Chuck E. Cheese’s  or to places like Disney World. Doing the fun things and creating more wonderful childhood memories. Meanwhile my former wife would have to deal with the hard tasks of getting her to school daily and picking her up. Then she’d have to go to teachers’ conferences and do all the things required to help our little one to be successful in school – homework, especially. Then came the music lessons and Girl Scouts meetings and sports practices. That level of parenting isn’t always fun – it can be real exhausting.

But then I reflected on the situation and began thinking – do I really want to be a fun parent? Or do I want to be a parent who deals with every aspect of the parenting experience – the good, the bad and the ugly? I recall, during my childhood, that both my mom and dad had their hands full with my 3 siblings and me. We had our fair share of fun but it certainly wasn’t all fun and games. They taught us valuable life lessons that still guide us to this day. And these lessons often came disguised in the form of discipline.

After a while I began to realize that I didn’t want to be the fun parent. As glamorous as it might be to be the dad to create such fond memories with my daughter, the fact is that parenting, just like real life, has the glamour as well as the grime. I believe that the ultimate responsibility of parenthood is to lovingly train children in such a way that they grow up to be productive members of society. And that training doesn’t always come with fun and games; sometimes it might entail dealing with things our kids don’t like but which are in their best interest.

Whenever my daughter came to me, we certainly did do the fun things but I also tried to share with her lessons that she may not have wanted to hear. And I made a concerted effort not to just give her the things she wanted all the time. In other words, I was determined to do for her, not just what she wanted but also what she needed.

After a few years of having my daughter with me in relatively short spurts, just about 6 years ago, she came to live with me primarily – with her mom still living up north. Now my parenting style was to be put to the ultimate test. A single dad living on his own with his daughter coming to visit for the summer is one thing; it’s another thing to be a fulltime single dad dealing with school, homework, chores and everything that it takes to care for a child. This was a whole different ballgame.

Before long I began to realize that I’d been missing out on much of her development. Her learning style is the classroom environment is one of the first things that I noticed. I had always done my part from a distance, checking in with her teachers but seeing it up close gave me additional insight. I thought of some of my own challenges as I was growing up and how I overcame them. I was determined to help her strengthen the areas in which she was already strong and improve the areas of weakness.  I learned of things I could do to help her learn and achieve better grades. Before long I got her a tutor and that was quite helpful. This was the beginning of a new phase for me. Being a fun parent is easy; doing some of the things that your child might not like too much is a bit harder.

Four years ago, I got remarried. My wife and I now have 2 sons – a 2 ½ year old and a 3 month old. And my daughter is an integral part of our household. We couldn’t be happier because our home is built on love and mutual respect for each family member. Fortunately, both my wife and I realize that the responsibility of raising 3 young persons with unique and distinct personalities is an awesome one. We have loads of fun with them but we also know that if we are to be successful, discipline is required on our part.

Rodrick's teenage daughter

My daughter is now 14 years old and a high school freshman. As most parents of teenagers will tell you, inevitably there will be conflict. Teens love to push their boundaries to see what they can get away with. Sometimes she speaks as if she and I are the same age and she can do as she pleases. But overall, she’s well mannered and quite respectable and I’m quite proud of her. She’s on the honor roll at an extremely competitive high school. Now we have conversations about what career she would like to pursue. I get to challenge her in ways that, though not comfortable at times, cause her to think of the vast possibilities that may be accomplished as she seeks to make her mark on the world.

For our 2 young sons, we sure have our share of fun with them. But we have the right perspective – fun is great but for them to develop as they ought to, we have to be well-rounded parents who discipline and guide them while enjoying their growth and development.

I hope that this post has been helpful to you. Parenting entails having fun and playing games but it also entails doing the hard things that sometimes might not feel so good but are quite necessary. We all desire for our kids to grow up and become mannerly, well-adjusted, goal-oriented persons who make a positive contribution to society. Let’s keep the entire process of parenting in perspective. With the right mindset, we can enjoy them while preparing them to become all that we desire for them to be.

Enjoy your day.

The Upbeat Dad

Post-Divorce Parenting: Visitation vs Time-Sharing

Well, well, well, it seems that things and times are changing afterall. And it’s a change for the better, I believe. What am I talking about? Well, today’s post is about the concept of visitation versus time-sharing. It’s a concept that I’ve long thought about based on my own experience and I’m so glad to know that the courts – at least here in Florida – are finally coming around to the concept that I’ve spoken about for such a long time.

Last week I was speaking with a family law attorney who shared with me that in Florida, legally, the term “visitation” is no longer used when speaking of the time that a child spends with a parent after a divorce. The term “time-sharing” is now used. In other words, a child no longer visits his/her parent – instead (s)he spends time. To some readers, this may not seem like much but if you’ve read this blog for any length of time, you’d know that I’m a big advocate for the time-sharing concept.

Like I shared in my post The Story Behind The Upbeat Dad, I went through a divorce in the early 2000s. That legal process awakened me to the reality that many families face each day as husbands and wives fall out of love and into the family law system. It was a big eye opener indeed. There were a series of things that bothered me but the most significant of them was the term visitation. I even wrote the post From Father to Visitor about the process.

When my daughter was conceived, I was as happy as a lark. I knew of the impending responsibility to take care of her so, in a sense, I was scared that a life was going to be entrusted to my former wife and me. I didn’t know if we were really ready for all that it would take to raise a child. But I was still excited nonetheless to think that I was going to be a father. Something about that thought brought  a sense of pride to me.

My former wife and I have shared the responsibility for our daughter’s care – from even before she was born. I never missed a doctor’s appointment throughout the pregnancy. I was in the delivery room when she was born (I joke with her today that I’m the first face she saw when she was born because I was standing right there as she made her first earthly appearance). I was there every step of the way after her birth – taking her to the pediatrician, the day care, to birthday parties and just everything that a loving parent should do. We were both involved - none more than the other.

So when the marriage ended, I really had a problem with the legal term “visitation.” How did I, almost overnight, go from being “daddy” to “visitor”? I think that that term suggested that I was a 2^nd tier parent – she lives with her mother and visits me. A typical dad who went through a divorce at that time would be happy to just get the standard “every other weekend” and he’s good to go – no need for anything further. That just didn’t seem right to me, especially considering that I’ve always been close with my daughter.

I could not take on the court system by myself so I was determined to help as many people as possible before they even got to that phase. I was on a campaign to save marriages and other relationships so that people would avoid the harsh realities of the family law system. I feel for kids who really have no voice in the way the process is carried out; they just have to deal with the outcome.

The attorney who I referenced earlier told me that in Florida, time-sharing is now the rule of law – no longer visitation. In addition, the courts now try to work out a 50/50 schedule – no longer one parent being the primary custodial parent while the other gets “visits” from their kids. That’s the point that I have been making all along. I’m just happy to see that the courts came to the conclusion that the time-sharing concept is better. I really believe that kids are better for it.

Today, my daughter lives with my new wife, our son and me. When she is with me, she’s at home. When she’s with her mom, my former wife, she’s also at home. She has two homes where she is loved and cherished. That’s the message that we ought to send our kids.

Several years ago, as I reflected on this entire transitional period that I went through, I wrote the following poem:

Visitation

By Rodrick Walters

I was there when the doctor told us

That we were having a girl

Our parents were right there to hold us

We were so on top of the world;

I was right there for your christening

I was holding my bundle of joy

The preacher said, “Look, do you see him?

He’s smiling like a little boy;"

I was there when you started the first grade

You made me the proudest of dads

I really thought I had it made

Didn’t know things would turn out so bad;

Now the marriage I lived for is over

We’ve started new lives on our own

Now I struggle as I try to recover

‘Cause you live all the way across town;

I’m your father, not a visitor

This feeling is so new to me

I want to see you grow older

To be what a father should be;

I just don’t know ‘bout this system

Didn’t know it was really this bad

I don’t want you to be a victim

I just want to be your dad;

Yet I still hope for tomorrow

I know better days lie ahead

But for now I mask this sorrow

Some words are better left unsaid

My dear, I will leave you never

So you don’t have to be sad

This tie no one can sever

I’m always, forever, your dad.

Those words were written from the heart back then. Looking at it now, I smile because things have worked out just fine. And my daughter is doing great.

 If you’re a parent and somehow you find yourself in the position that I was in so long ago, just know that your kids are always your kids. I don’t know if the law in your jurisdiction uses the term “visitation” or not. I do know that if you treasure your kids as you should, nothing can change the fact that your kids are yours and you have a great responsibility for them. Visitation, to me, is when they go to visit their grandparents or other relatives. When they are with you, they are at home – even if you and the other parent don't live together.

I hope that this post has been an encouragement to you, particularly if you’re a parent who’s learning how to live without your kids in the home all the time. Just give them your love always and sooner or later, it will all work itself out. You can raise well-adjusted, successful kids even while parenting apart.

Enjoy yourself today.

The Upbeat Dad

How to Develop a Positive Co-parenting Relationship with Your Ex

This Sunday I’m scheduled to be a guest on the show Co-parenting Matters. The term ‘co-parenting’ may be new to some so let me define it before proceeding further. The American Heritage Dictionary defines it as follows: “An arrangement in a divorce or separation by which parents share legal and physical custody of a child or children.” It’s essentially learning to parent along with the other parent when a relationship has ended.

You see, when people get together, they never really plan to end up apart. But, you know what? Life happens. And when it does, sometimes people end up going their separate ways. It’s been my experience that the more intense a relationship is, the more deeply wounded the parties can potentially be when it ends. But, as I often say, no matter how difficult a breakup is, when there are no children involved, when it is over, it is over. So if the persons choose to never see each other again, that works just fine. The pain subsides in a relatively short time and they move on with their lives.

Put children in the equation, and there’s a bit more to consider. People who once were in love – to the point that they committed to love each other “till death do us part” – are no longer in love. Yet, they still have a bond that connects them perpetually – a child that they love. This can make it quite complicated and challenging in many ways.

I went through a divorce almost 10 years ago. You can read of this in The Story Behind The Upbeat Dad. The entire process – the legal aspect, in particular – took its toll on me. And as many divorcees can tell you, when attorneys become involved it can get messy. In my case, suffice it to say, it wasn’t pretty. But guess what? Because of our little 3 year old daughter, we knew we’d be connected forever. No more “you go your way and I go mine” like happened in each of our former relationships.

Here is something that many who have been through an unpleasant divorce with kids can tell you: the person who causes you so much grief and heartache is a direct connection to the person or persons who bring you so much joy. My daughter was and still is an absolute angel. She’s a 12 year old, well adjusted, wonderful child. But, at least during the divorce, my ex and I were just not on the same page – and that made it so hard.

In the years that have ensued since, as the pain and hurt from the divorce has subsided, my former wife and I have developed a positive working relationship. We came to the realization that life goes on and we could spend forever talking about the past and blaming each other for what went wrong; or we could work together to be the best parents to our daughter. It hasn’t been easy but time has taught us well that it’s so much better this way.

Here are co-parenting tips that I think will help any parent who has been through a divorce or separation: 

• Partnership concept: The other parent should be your partner – not a competitor. There’s no need to try to “out-parent” the other party. As a dad, you can only be that – a dad. The same applies to moms. Just focus on being the best dad or mom you can be and not on trying to outdo the other parent. (S)he is your partner – not a competitor.

• Words Matter: The words you use when speaking to your kids about your ex matter very much. Even if the ex did the most horrible things, do not speak negatively of them in the kids’ presence. It can ultimately work against you. Kids are much smarter than we might think. And if we degrade their other parent in their presence, their innate tendency is to defend that person. That may not happen initially but eventually it often gets to that point.

• Respectful Communication. Aretha Franklin’s signature career song is R-E-S-P-E-C-T. This word is a key to developing meaningful communication with your ex. So that means, no more yelling and screaming. No reminding the other person of the wrong that they may have done. The sooner there is respectful communication, the sooner there is progress in the relationship. You may need to send text messages or emails because phone calls can sometimes conjure unpleasant emotions. Whatever the means of communication, just try to do it with respect.

• Contact with Kids: Ensure that whenever the kids are with you, that your ex has 24/7 ability to contact them. Parental alienation is a big issue that often arises when divorce hits home. Many men, in particular, become discouraged by this issue. It’s not out of the ordinary for the family court to turn a blind eye to the alienation that occurs during and after a divorce. Kids need to feel that wherever they may be physically, they are no more than a phone call away from their dad or mom.

• Notification of “Need to Know” Matters: When couples are happily married, there are certain “need to know” things that they don’t hesitate to let their spouse know as it relates to the kids. A few examples are: school-related matters, healthcare, sports, etc. But somehow, when divorce hits the home, some feel that the other parent no longer needs to be notified. That’s unfortunate because it’s the kids who end up being disadvantaged. For example, if your child is struggling in school with a subject and you talk to the teacher about it, wouldn’t it be a good idea to coordinate a plan of action with your ex? Such communication may not always be practical but it’s an ideal that should be aimed for.

There are many more tips that I could share on this matter but I’ll leave it at that for now. Your kids deserve to have the love and guidance of their dad and mom even if there’s a divorce. Parenthood is a perpetual bond that literally is “till death do us part.” Husbands and wives can go their separate ways but parenthood is perpetual. When parents learn the benefits of working in a cooperative manner with their ex, it makes it easier and less stressful on everybody.

I hope that this post has been helpful. If it applies to you, try to implement what you’ve learned. If you know of others who could use the lesson, do share it with them. I believe that it can have a lasting impact if put into practice.

Enjoy your day.

The Upbeat Dad 

Should You Relocate After Divorce When Kids Are Involved?

I recently wrote Post-Divorce Parenting: Visitation vs Time-Sharing. In that post, I shared how in my state – Florida – the family law rules have changed recently and one of the significant changes is that the term visitation is no longer used; instead, it’s now time-sharing. The implications of this are huge, in my view. The Florida courts now promote the idea that kids have two homes in which they live – no longer living primarily with one parent and visiting the other every other weekend. The big winners in this ruling are the kids, as far as I’m concerned.

As I thought about this ruling, what came to mind was the fact that after divorce, when individuals are free to go on and live the rest of their lives, many parents make major decisions with the kids in mind. While others make those decisions with what’s best for them or their careers in mind. Yet others start new families and think more about that new family and less about the kids from their former relationship. So I thought that today I’d write about the relocating after a divorce when kids are involved.

Most couples, as they enter relationships, are on cloud nine, as the expression goes. They imagine a fairy-tale life of happiness. Then comes reality; when the honeymoon is over and life becomes life, it’s a big wake-up call for many. Still, they settle down and have kids and try to make the best of life, despite the fact that they’ve realized that the person who they married is not quite as perfect as the person that they dated.

Many couples make it through this phase and go on to live happily ever after. Sometimes they make it but only after going to counseling where they get professional help to straighten things out. But many couples do not make it – and that’s just the reality of the situation. Despite their best efforts, many of these relationships end in divorce.

I always say that when marriages and other relationships end, when there are no kids involved, no matter how bitter or nasty the process may get, when it’s over, it’s over and then the healing begins. There’s nothing further from the marriage to deal with. When there are kids, however, there is a lifetime connection that never goes away. As long as the parents and the children are alive, they all have to deal with each other, to some degree.

Some couples, during their divorce proceedings, work together to ensure that, despite the ending of the relationship, they both remain actively involved in the day to day lives of the children. So they agree to live in the same vicinity – whether in a formally written agreement or just by a verbal understanding. Others have no such understanding or agreement but still they end up living in the same area because they choose to.

Then there are those who believe that, when the marriage has ended and they get on with their lives, they are free to pursue their goals and dreams without consideration to their former spouse. I’d like to address these individuals with this post. Please note that when I write about subject matters that may be a bit sensitive, as this one is, I’m not really saying what individuals should or shouldn’t do. My primary objective is to get others to see the potential impact on the children when these decisions are made.

So the question at hand is: Do you relocate after a divorce when kids are involved? My thought is that, it’s not a yes or no question. There are so many factors to consider.

The first issue to consider is why one would want to relocate. Some people have such a bitter divorce that they want to get as far away from their former spouse as possible. Others just want to start over fresh and new in an area where no one knows them or their family. That way, they don’t routinely run into their former spouse or other people who know them. Those meetings can potentially reopen wounds that are supposed to be healing.

Then others want to move back to the community where they grew up because they know of the unconditional love and support that they are shown there. Each of these reasons is certainly understandable. I know, having gone through a divorce, just how meaningful it is to be surrounded with love when you’re going through such a difficult period.

Still, when there are kids involved, each of these choices needs to be looked into a bit further. I believe that kids need the love and support of both parents. Note that I didn’t just say that kids need both parents. This is because some parents are just not the loving and supportive type; their kids might be better off without them. But when parents lovingly support their kids, I believe that they ought to be involved in their lives.

One of the significant factors to consider when thinking about relocation is the age of the kids. For instance, if the kids are 2 or 3 years old, one’s thought process might be different than if the kids are 15 or 16. A young child who’s just growing and developing a bond with the parents might lose that bond if one parent moves away.

I have a college friend who divorced. Not long after the divorce, his former wife wanted to relocate to a different city within the same state. They had a 2 year old child. He fought successfully to prevent her from moving because his point was that the bond with his young child may be broken. A year or so after the divorce, he got the opportunity of a lifetime – a high paying executive position in his home country, halfway around the world. I don’t know how long he deliberated but he ended up taking that position. So now, instead of seeing his child multiple times each week, he sees her once or twice a year.

The other extreme is when divorced parents make the decision to live close together so that the divorce won’t be too disruptive for the kids. I have a friend who went through a divorce a few years ago. He and his former wife have 2 teenagers. One of the children has autism and requires special care. Both parents agreed to live in the same community so that together they could provide their child the special care that’s needed.

A very significant factor in making such a decision is whether the kids would be relocating with us or not. It’s one thing to move with the kids and have them with us all the time; but it’s a totally different consideration when we move without the kids, knowing that we’ll see them less frequently. And when we move with the kids, we also need to consider how that might affect the kids’ relationship with the other parent, knowing that they’ll see him/her less frequently.

So you see, it’s really not a yes or no answer when we think about whether or not to relocate. Life is really all about choices. And the choices that we make affect not only ourselves but others. I don’t think that we can simply say people should not relocate after a divorce when there are kids involved. There’s just too much to consider. In my view, however, kids should be considered above our own personal wishes and desires.

I’d love to hear your thoughts if you’ve been affected in any way by the relocation issue after a divorce. I know that for some of you, reading this post has touched you deep within as you consider your own life and the decisions that you’ve made or that others have made.

I always try to get parents to think of the kids first. In the ideal world, we get married and live happily ever after. But that utopia doesn’t exist for everyone. I just encourage you to think of the kids in the decisions you make. You can relocate and be as close as ever to your kids. Or the same move could cause you to lose the essential connection with them.

If your kids are in a different city today, for any reason, give them a special phone call to let them know you love them.

Enjoy your day.

The Upbeat Dad

 

Getting Along With Your Ex For Your Kids’ Sake

Many of us know the experience of falling in love with Mr. or Mrs. Right. It’s such a thrill when we feel we’ve met the person we want to spend the rest of our life with. We get together, get married and have kids. Sometimes we have kids without being married as well. But whatever the case, when kids are involved, we’re opened up to a whole new world. Things are never quite the same.

For many, theirs is a storybook “happily ever after” life – married with kids, nice house with a white picket fence, dogs in the yard and life is good. Then for others, their life is quite the opposite. It becomes the manifestation of the term “it’s a thin line between love and hate.” Like in the movie War of the Roses, with Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner, their happy dream home becomes a nightmare.

I have often stated that I don’t believe that many people really plan to get married, have kids and get divorced. Yet, in reality, in the United States, over 50% of marriages do end in divorce. Many of these marriages produced children. Let me also include the many couples that have children without being married. I saw on NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams a month or so ago that for a growing segment of the population, marriage is becoming obsolete. Anyway, regardless of whether a couple is married or not, when they go apart and kids are involved, it’s never easy.

On today’s post, I seek to share some thoughts on what it takes to have a successful working relationship with the other parent when a relationship that produced kids has ended. Some of it is based on my own experience. Some of it is based on what I believe to be true from learning from others.

I share this advice knowing that it can be extremely difficult dealing with some exes. Many can be totally unreasonable. Many are bitter after relationships end on a sour note. Some seem determined to ruin the life and reputation of the person who they feel is the worst thing that ever happened to them. I share these thoughts with full knowledge of this. But I believe that as men and women who mean our kids well, we need to make the effort to resolve our differences, if only for the sake of the kids.

Here are my thoughts and recommendations:

1.   Never speak negatively about your ex in your kids’ presence. This can be quite difficult, I know, but it’s very necessary. Our kids are smarter than we think. If one party is to blame, in time they will figure it out – we don’t have to say a word. When we say things to our kids that are negative about their other parent, they often end up resenting us. That’s not our intent but that’s what results. We should shield them as much as possible from the negative things the other parent does. I know of kids who have developed a strained relationship with one parent because they hate the fact that they are always negative about their mom or dad.

2.   Develop a heart of forgiveness.  When relationships end on a sour note, it really does leave a bad taste in our mouths – that’s what a sour note does! For us to move on and be healed and whole, we need to forgive the other person if we feel wronged. For the most part, people like to live and love and enjoy life. We don’t like to be bitter and angry and resentful. Yet, when we feel that our ex hurt us, those traits naturally manifest themselves. What happens all too often is that we allow what we feel someone did against us to control us to the degree that we become bitter, angry people. We’re better than that, aren’t we? Forgiving the other person disarms them. They no longer have power or control over us when we do that. We should tell ourselves that it doesn’t matter what they did or will ever do. Another person cannot and should not control us or make us become persons who we are not.

3.   Be respectful in your communication with your ex. When relationships end and no kids are involved, it’s relatively easy. Because as messy as that process might become, when it ends, it ends. We never have to see our exes again. When there are kids, however, it becomes a bit more complicated. We all have to deal with each other for the rest of your lives. Our communication with our exes – whether on the phone, in person, by email or text message – should be respectful. Some exes become good friends. But others just have a cordial relationship for the sake of the kids. I know a woman personally who was so angry during her divorce that she not only belittled her former husband in front of the kids, but she also wrote mean spirited emails and text messages to him. Those written forms of communication ended up in court and they were the very things that the judge referenced when he awarded custody of their two kids to the man.

4.   Ensure your kids communicate with your ex when they’re with you. This point is important. Whether we like it or not, our kids have two parents. We may not like the other parent too much but still, that other person is a parent. We should not alienate the kids from the other parent when they’re with us. I believe that that affects them in a negative way. If our kids are used to being with mom and dad all the time and mom and dad break up, they still want both parents. So if they are physically with one, they want to be able to pick up the phone and call or otherwise contact the other. Particularly at special times – birthdays, Christmas Day, etc – kids want to talk to their moms and dads. Please don’t allow your negative impression of the other parent to cloud your judgment.

  

These are just some tips that I believe are helpful in producing a positive working relationship with our exes. Am I good friends with my ex? Hardly. Do I wish it were otherwise? Certainly. But still, I told myself in the midst of the turmoil of my divorce so long ago, that it doesn’t matter what she ever says or does, I am bound by my actions.

So I have chosen to be as respectful as possible, while seeking to create and cultivate an environment that fosters a productive relationship. When our marriage ended, my initial instinct was to be bitter. But time has taught me well – it is better to become better than to remain bitter. My daughter is certainly better for it and I know that my working relationship with my ex is better as well.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on these things. Perhaps you have additional tips. Or perhaps you may want to share your experience with our readers. Please feel free to add a comment to this post. Your input is valued greatly.

Life can be very challenging in many ways. If we’re left broken-hearted as a result of a broken home, let’s rise above the harsh feelings and promote reconciliation, if only for the sake of our kids. We can get along with our exes if we make the effort by adhering to principles such as those suggested in this post. We have more power than we might know. Let’s do the right thing and promote an atmosphere of peace.

Enjoy your day.

The Upbeat Dad

 

Parenting After Divorce

Today I’d like to address the issue of parenting after divorce. Contrary to the fact that approximately 50% of married couples will divorce, I don’t believe that people get married in order to end up in a divorce court. Couples generally have a dream about living “happily ever after.” They have kids and want to have the perfect family.

Then comes reality! Life becomes life! And for different reasons, couples decide to go their separate ways. I don’t like the fact that it’s so easy to get married with all that’s at stake. The consequences of a divorce can be so great that sometimes many people wish they were told about the reality of marriage before saying “I do.” Divorces often cost thousands more than the weddings ever did.

When couples divorce, division of assets is one of the normal procedures. But the kids, products of the marriages, aren’t so easy to divide. Those ties are for a lifetime so in a sense, the marriages are over but there’s a perpetual connection through the kids.

When I went through my divorce in the early 2000s, I had a 3 year old daughter and this reality hit me. How do we go from living together with a child to living apart with a child? The emotions of that transition can be traumatic in very many circumstances. People go into depression as a result of such situations.

There are books written on this subject so I could really write a long dissertation today but I won’t. I’ll just give some pointers on what worked for me. Here they are:

• Remember that though the marriage is over, your role as a parent never changes. It’s literally the role of a lifetime. The living arrangements might change but you’re a parent forever.
• No matter how bitter the divorce proceedings might become, never speak negative of your spouse/former spouse in the presence of the kids. I’ve been told that this often backfires because the kids end up resenting the one who speaks negative of the other parent.
• If your kids no longer live with you primarily, continue to make them feel special. When they’re away from you, keep in contact with them daily. Let them know that you’re still there for them. When they’re with you, do something memorable with them. That way they look forward to time spent with you.

• As much as it lies with you, try to live at peace with your former spouse. It's ultimately easier for all parties. You don't want a court ourder to govern absolutely everything you do. Life happens! So, if somehow you were supposed to have the kids for Thanksgiving but a situation arises that might change that, just go with the flow and try to work it out with your former spouse. You'll find that after a while, you and your former spouse simply have a partnership - to raise children. And just as in any other partnership, cooperation is the key to make it work.

I’ll leave it at that for now. There’s much more to it but those are tips from my experience. And I can tell you that they work. Professionals also support this approach.

If you are going through a divorce or if you’ve gone through one with kids involved, I hope that these tips are an encouragement to you. Life goes on and it gets better. Someone told me as I was faced with my situation “time heals all wounds.” And believe me, it does. My daughter is now a well-adjusted 12 year old. And my former wife and I have a positive working relationship in which we both work for our daughter’s best interest. I’m remarried with a newborn son and our blended family is getting on just fine.

So keep your head up and keep on going. You might have heard this expression before but let me share it here:  when life hands you lemons, add sugar and water and make lemonade!

Drink up, my friend! Drink up! Life goes on!

The Upbeat Dad



Every Other Weekend

I hope you've had a restful weekend and that you're ready to take on the challenges of a new week!

About a year or two ago, on country music radio, I heard a song by Kenny Chesney and Reba McEntire called Every Other Weekend. It's the story of a divorced couple who meet every other weekend so that the children can visit their father. It kinda hit close to home for me as I recall the period that followed my divorce in the early 2000s.

Many of you dads had a great time with your kids this weekend. And then came Sunday evening - back to life, back reality. Because this was your "every other weekend." So you had to say good bye until the next "every other weekend."

Because we are men, some of us wouldn't even dare to share with anyone the pain that this time brings. We secretly cry ourselves to sleep dealing with this reality. I don't mind sharing with you that I once counted myself in this number in the aftermath of my divorce in the early 2000s. That was indeed a painful and very real chapter in my life.

When my daughter came to spend time with me, the time was so magical! Then came Sunday evening and Monday morning.  I cringed at the thought of things getting back to normal - life on a daily basis without getting to see her.

I'm fortunate now that I have a wonderful wife and two awesome children and we all live together. But I have not forgotten and will not forget that many parents - both moms and dads - go through emotional turmoil each weekend as this reality presents itself.

If you should find yourself in such a situation, I encourage you to hang in there. Time has a way of dealing with things. If you love your children unconditionally and you're committed to them, then any obstacle that anyone or any institution should put in your way can only be temporary. In time, the true love you have for your kids always wins.

I recognize that some of our circumstances may not be ideal. That's why I try to keep things in perspective. If all the time you have with your kids is "every other weekend," then make the most of it when it comes. Remember, an "Upbeat Dad" is "excited about fatherhood." So come what may, we should ensure that kids don't feel any less loved when the love between a couple fades.

Kids are a joy to have! So let them feel loved all the time - even if you only see them "every other weekend."

The Upbeat Dad

P.S. Check out ths book "Wednesday Evenings And Every Other Weekend" by F. Daniel McClure and Jerry B. Saffer.