Onward to the Next Frontier: The Vision of the Upbeat Dad Organization!

In October 2010, I launched the Upbeat Dad blog simply for the purpose of empowering dads to become actively engaged in the lives of their children. I didn’t quite know what the response would have been but I just had an overwhelming desire to help others through this medium. If even one person would stand to benefit from this work, then to me, it would be worth it.

Today, over 20 months later, I have written 214 blog posts. We have well over 200,000 hits on the site, with readers on every continent except Antarctica – not sure if they have internet there anyway! I’ve had the privilege of having positive exchanges with members of our audience from all over the world through the blog, our Facebook page and on our Twitter feeds. I have had several interviews with different media sources including the BBC. We have had two Upbeat Dad Community Forums to date. I have spoken at different conferences including the Head Start in Miami and The Divorce Expo in Detroit. So it’s been an eventful almost two years!

As the vision has unfolded, I have come to the realization that the Upbeat Dad concept is more about a cause than anything. In its true essence, it’s a positive force for change. The underlying theme that’s been echoed by others with whom I’ve interacted as I’ve carried out this work is that the message is so needed. So with that, I have sought to put in place an infrastructure to address many of the issues that have been identified.

All of this has led to the forming in late 2011 of the Upbeat Dad Organization, Inc., a non-profit corporation whose mission is to empower fathers and to support families. As this phase of the vision is unfolding, I am realizing more and more how much work there is to do. Well, maybe I shouldn’t call it work – it’s more fun than anything. But the possibilities of what might be accomplished are endless. It’s all for the purpose of helping dads to play their part in the raising of their children.

Some men become fathers but don’t quite know how to be dads. The term father is a term of biology. But dad is a term of endearment. Then there are men who deeply desire to be involved in the lives of their children but because of various obstacles that dominate the family law system, their efforts seem futile. There are so many issues that are prevalent when it comes to the matter of fatherhood. So we have developed a systematic approach to address many of these issues. There is certainly no “one size fits all” solution to these issues. So step by step we are tackling the problems that we’ve identified.

I haven’t written quite as many blog posts recently. I do plan to get back to writing more frequently, ideally at least one or two per week. I recognize the importance of these posts, as I believe they give practical solutions to the different issues that men deal with. But behind the scenes, there’s quite a bit of work being done. Let’s just say that the blueprint for a masterpiece is being assembled. And it’s my opinion that that masterpiece will be for your benefit.

I believe that the cause for which the organization has been formed is great. In the coming weeks, months and years, you’ll begin to see the vision unfold to a greater extent than it has to this point. We have formed strategic alliances with various organizations including the Miami Dolphins. We will have more public events – ones that will function as the ground war in a military operation. We have engaged the services of a team of consultants whose responsibility is to help us develop certain modules to effect change in different parts of our society, including the corporate arena, the educational system, the prison system, the political system, the legal system and more.

The purpose of this post is to really affirm our commitment to practicing what we’ve preached since we launched this site almost two years ago. I hope that you have a glimpse of where we are going with this. I often say that it’s the cause of a lifetime. Having been through a divorce and now having the privilege of raising a new family, along with my daughter from my first marriage, I know just how fortunate and blessed I am. So I seek to empower others to take the “upbeat” approach and do the right thing for their kids.

I think that we’re embarking on an exciting phase of the vision. So do stay engaged with us. And share any of our posts with others who you think will benefit from what we seek to share. More than anything, I believe that children will have more a promising future when their dads are actively involved in their development. So the purpose behind all that we do will be to help these dads to have that positive impact.

Do enjoy your day. And stay tuned – the best is yet to come!

The Upbeat Dad

The Great Parenting Dilemma: Letting Go Is Hard To Do

Perhaps you’ve heard the song, “Breaking up is hard to do.” Well, from a parent’s perspective, I say, “Letting go is hard to do.” I heard someone say several years ago, “Kids aren’t for keeps – you have them, you raise them, then you send them off into the world to find their calling.” What a profound and true statement that is! We don’t get to keep them forever.

This is the time of year when parents and kids alike are gearing up for graduation and all that such a milestone entails. Parenting has innumerable rewards and this has got to be one of them – seeing our children grow up to take the next step towards adulthood.

At the same time, this milestone comes with its drawbacks. You see, it’s a sign that the time to let go is inching closer and closer. By that I mean, as our children grow up and get closer to adulthood, as parents we need to begin the process of letting them become adults in their own right. And that, my friend, has its challenges.

Rodrick's daughter

My daughter is 13 years old. She’s an 8^th grader and is truly a joy and a wonder. Next year, it’s high school for her so we should have her at home for another 4 years at least. Sounds cool, right? Well let me tell you – this past weekend, she went to her 8^th grade dance. She was dressed to impress with formal attire and looking so much like a young lady. My wife and I beamed with pride as we saw her.

But as we took her to the dance, it dawned on me that the next major milestone is her high school prom – and more likely than not, she’s not going to want us to take her. She’ll likely have a date to come to the house and pick her up. Perish the thought! Then after that it’s graduation and then off to college for her.

Well, you know what? When I dropped her to the dance, she didn’t even want me to get out of the car and walk her to the door like I did when she went to her 6^th grade dance. She’s developing her own identity and coming into her own so having her dad walk her to the door just might cramp her style! As I drove away after dropping her off, I found myself fighting back the tears. Not sure exactly why but I guess the significance of the moment got to me – my little baby’s not a little baby anymore.

Today, parents all across the world are experiencing similar emotions. Some might even call my reaction ridiculous because, after all, my daughter will be home for another 4 years. I’ll get to go through the high school years and see her blossom through it all.

But what about those who are seeing their “babies” graduate from high school and off to college or to face life’s other challenges? What about those who are seeing their kids graduate from college and off into the real world, never again to return home – except for brief visits? I can’t imagine that – yet, I know in seemingly no time, I’ll be in the shoes of those dads and moms – proud, yet heartbroken at the thought of seeing their young ones grow up and moving on without them.

If we do our job well, we’ll prepare our children to take their place in the world. That’s the goal of parenting, in my view. There’s a proverb that says, “Train up a child in the way he should go so that when he is old, he will not depart from it.” It’s an honor and a privilege to raise and train children. The responsibility to guide and mold young lives is an awesome one. Parenting is not for the faint of heart – it’s a challenging but rewarding experience.

So when is the right time to let go? When is it ok to detach ourselves enough so that our kids can grow up on their own? The easy answer is to say, “When they move out” – like when they go off to college or start working and get their own place. But it’s not quite that easy.

I recall that as my siblings and I grew up, my parents had to begin letting go of each of us, one by one. When my sister graduated from high school and went off to college, she never returned home to live. She was always away at school – even throughout the summer months. She got her 4 year degree in 3 years and after graduation she moved to another state to pursue her graduate studies and then her life’s dreams.

I know it wasn’t easy for my parents to see their only daughter, who happens to be the oldest, leave the “nest,” never to return other than for visits. But as time has transpired, they’ve accepted the fact that they did their job and therefore they just had to let her be herself. And she’s made them proud. She has a PhD and is a college professor, and an entrepreneur. They prepared her for the world and she’s conquering it day by day.

My 2 brothers and I have also made our own impact on the world. Our parents laid a solid foundation and saw us off to college. And now, we’re each pursuing our life’s calling and I’m sure our parents are proud of our accomplishments as well.

Still, I recall that as I went off to college and then on to the real world, there were times I felt that I wished my parents would just let go completely and let me do what I wanted. I felt that as of age 18, I was an adult who should be allowed to make my decisions and live with the consequences – positive or negative.

Well, the path to life as an independent adult wasn’t all smooth sailing. There were many challenges along the way. And, to be honest, at times I needed to swallow my pride and go back to Dad and Mom for help – financial and otherwise. And being the loving parents that they are, they were right there to help.

The reality is that as parents, we never fully let go. I often say, “Once a parent, always a parent.” It’s the role of a lifetime. It is a delicate balancing act to know how to effectively parent while knowing just how and when to let go.

As far as the timing goes, I think it’s important to know your children and deal with each accordingly. Some kids would simply fall flat on their faces if the letting go occurs too soon. Others’ growth would be stifled if it occurs too late. Much like a mother eagle, we have to teach our young ones how to fly and then know when to let them go to fly on their own. It’s a delicate balancing act but if we’re attentive, we can be successful.

If you’re a parent who is dealing with this issue now, be encouraged. Just know that you’re not alone. You might not feel needed quite as much when your kids grow up. But that’s part of the process. When my daughter didn’t want me to walk her to the door when I took her to the 8^th grade dance, it wasn’t the best feeling. But that’s a sign that she’s growing up. It wasn’t too long ago that I dropped her off at the daycare center while she clung to my leg, in tears, not wanting me to leave. So she’s a big girl now – on her way to womanhood. Of that I should be proud. Still, it’s not so easy to deal with.

My encouragement to you is to remain constant in your love for your kids. Keep the lines of communication open and help them to make the transition to adulthood. Recall your own journey and apply the lessons you learned as you deal with your own children. The love of a parent is perpetual and though it may not seem like it, knowing how and when to let go is a part of the process of showing your love for them.

Rodrick and his kids

Kids aren’t for keeps, indeed. But as time goes on, we learn to treasure the time we invest in them. And, if we do our job right, we’ll reap the dividends for a lifetime.

Enjoy your day,

The Upbeat Dad

Is Technology Tearing Your Family Apart?

Each week, my wife, my 2 kids and I try to plan a time when it's just us - no phone, no TV, no iPad, no one or nothing else - just us, enjoying each other. We do different activities: sometimes it’s eating at a restaurant; other times it’s having a family game night; sometimes it’s going to the beach, or to a museum or some other place that we decide to visit. The important thing is that it’s just our uninterrupted time to create special memories together.

Recently, on one of these occasions, we went to dinner at a local restaurant. As we sat, there was another family of 4 seated nearby - a dad, a mom, a boy and a girl. The contrast between our 2 families was striking. Here’s what we saw: the mom was texting on her iPhone, the son was playing a game on his Gameboy, the daughter was watching a movie on her iPad and the dad was just sitting there, seemingly with no one to talk to.

In that restaurant, among the many patrons, there sat 2 families of 4 – with 2 different levels of connection. One was functioning as a family while the other was functioning as a disjointed group of individuals. The contrast was amazing.

The institution of family is as old as humanity itself. Fathers, mothers and children from different generations have established relationships that have transcended time. Many of us today grew up in an era where the family was the focal point of everything we did. All plans and activities revolved around the family - holidays, vacations, entertainment. I mean everything!


Over the past few decades, technological advances have fundamentally changed the way that society functions. Believe it or not, there was a time when not every home had a television and radio. Now, it’s commonplace to have those items. And since the early 1980s, personal computers have changed our lives in so many ways. Out went the typewriters and in came word processors. Out went board games and in came computerized games.


Then came the internet. The World Wide Web gives us instant access to data that, in years past, would have taken hours or days or even weeks to get to. Now even our mobile phones can immediately give us information effortlessly by surfing the Web. Then came a string of products led by tech giant, Apple. The iPod, iPhone and iPad have been game-changers in an already competitive market. Suffice it to say, we’re in the midst of a technological revolution. And what a revolution it is!

Having said all of this, I come back to the family. All the technology in the world, advanced though it may be, cannot replace the fulfilling relationships that families can have together. The warmth of a smile or the different ways that love is expressed in the home are irreplaceable.


Most children today, at least in the United States, do not know what it’s like to live in a home without a computer. But for so many of them, growing up in a home without a dad is commonplace. In the African American community, for instance, 70% of babies are born to unwed mothers. The value of the traditional family structure seems to have taken a backseat to practically everything else.

In our homes, technology is a wonderful thing. It allows us to explore and go into areas that, before, seemed unimaginable. But we have to be so careful because the things that have been created for our enjoyment, can be the very same things to tear us apart. Interpersonal communication can almost come to a halt when the iPod, iPad and iPhone are going simultaneously.

We don’t have to give in to the forces of change that technology brings. We have more control than we might think. For instance, I have a “no headphones” policy whenever we drive in the vehicle – whether with just our family or if I have my nieces, nephews or cousins with us. It doesn’t matter who it is. If the entire vehicle cannot be a part of what one person is listening to, then it isn’t worth listening to. So my compromise is that, when I’m in the car with the kids, I listen to what they like. It doesn’t matter that it’s not quite my musical taste – what matters is that we’re connected.


I grew up in a small town in Jamaica in the early 1970s. At that time, television was a luxury to have in most homes in our community. And it wasn’t the 24/7 availability that we have today. Television signed on at 4 PM and signed off at 11 PM. The rest of the time, watching it wasn’t an option – unless, of course, we enjoyed staring at a blank screen. And there was no Gameboy or iPad or any other fancy gadget to take up our time. So we learned to play games and interact with each other.


I long for days when the focal point of all we do in our homes is the family. Working parents can so easily lose touch with their kids, all in the name of ‘making a living.’ The life they make often comes at the cost of valuable time with their kids. See the post Cats in the Cradle: A Life Lesson for Working Parents for more on this subject.

As parents, let’s endeavor to create an environment in our homes where the family comes first. Whether you’re married or single, as a parent, you have control over the role that technology plays in your family. I implore you not to let your kids be more connected to their gadgets than they are to you. You have more control than you think.

Establish guidelines that will emphasize the importance of the family unit. And spend time with your kids. Have fun enjoying the marvels of technology with them. Just keep focused on the value that exists in each family member. No genius can invent anything that compares to the priceless gift of family.

After reading this, perhaps you may need to make some changes in the way your home functions. I encourage you to implement those changes because the end result of a more closely knit family is worth it. You deserve it – and so do your family members. So do what you need to do. Believe me, this investment will pay dividends for a lifetime!

Enjoy your day,

The Upbeat Dad



    

Helping Blended Families Deal With Sibling Rivalry

Parenthood is the gift that keeps on giving. Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, it presents a new challenge as well as a new opportunity to impact our children’s lives. Some see it as a burden; I choose to see it as something to embrace.

I have a teen daughter and a son who’s almost a year and a half old. Managing the responsibility of raising these two, along with my wife, isn’t always easy. But let’s just say I do a lot of on-the-job training. My daughter is from my former marriage and my son is from my new marriage. You see, we have a blended family. And this family is my life. Knowing that I have a new opportunity to live happily-ever-after in a new relationship is something that I readily embrace. And I’m willing to do all it takes to make this one last a lifetime!

You may have heard the term “sibling rivalry” used to describe the relationship that often develops between brothers and sisters. The reasons that cause the rivalry to develop are many but one thing is for certain – it is a reality that many families face.

The nature of blended families is such that when you have stepbrothers and stepsisters, the relationships can be worse than the traditional rivalry between siblings. Kids with different dads or different moms can easily find themselves in competition. It just comes with the territory.

What can we do as parents to help to minimize the effects of this phenomenon when there is a blended family? That’s the purpose of this post.

About 2 years ago, when my wife and I told our daughter that she had a baby brother on the way, she was less than thrilled. You see, years before, I was a single dad. It was just she and me living our lives and making the most of it. When I started dating the person who would become my wife, my daughter felt that the attention and affection that was always directed towards her would now be redirected to someone else.

The dating process that eventually led to marriage was one of the challenges that put to the test the skills that I had developed as a parent. You can read more about this in: The Story of My Blended Family. Our “blending” wasn’t something that happened overnight. We had to put certain measures in place to ensure that each person would be happy in this new union.

So almost a year into the marriage, when my daughter learned that a baby was on the way, she said to me, “All this time, I had your heart to myself. Now you got married and your heart got divided in two – she got one half and I got the other. So now that you’re having more children, my half is just gonna get smaller and smaller.” I was dumbfounded. Just when I thought I had it all figured out, I had a new challenge on my hands.

Since that time, my wife and I have been so conscious of the fact that our daughter needs the assurance that all will be fine, regardless of the number of children we have. The important thing is that the love for her is unconditional.

Now our daughter has a totally different outlook on her role in the family. She’s a big sister and she has fully embraced that role. She lovingly plays her part in her little brother’s growth and development. Sometimes it’s changing diapers; other times it’s feeding; and other times it’s just playing with him because they both have a great time. I know it’s just the beginning of their relationship but I think they’re off to a good start. And as long as we as parents do our job, they should grow closer as time goes on.

When blended families come together, I believe that parents ought to help children learn that their new brothers or sisters might have different moms or dads but they are just as valued in the family. Sometimes the rivalry that develops in a traditional family comes from parents displaying preferences for one child over others. In a blended family, that can be disastrous. It’s not unusual for marriages to breakup because the kids didn’t embrace their new siblings.

In my case, the two siblings are 12 years apart and the younger one was born in the marriage. But what about cases where older kids see their parents get married? That can certainly be a challenge. Some kids have a hard enough time accepting a new mom or dad. Dealing with a new sibling takes things to a different level. They may have to share rooms. They may have to start doing things with another person when they were used to having their space and doing their own thing.

Parents can help their kids to navigate this unchartered territory by implementing a few measures:

·        Have a talk. Before the families come together, it’s good to have a talk and let each child know what’s happening. Listen to them express their concerns and help them weigh the pros and cons of having someone else to call brother or sister. Then assure them that they can always share their thoughts with you as the family comes together.

·         Give them time. Adjusting to a new situation is part of the routine that kids learn. They learn to meet new friend. They learn to adapt to new schools. So joining a blended family is just another thing that they can get used to. In each changing situation, they need time to adjust. Don’t be pushy and try to force them into accepting the new relationship. Give them time and let them learn to see that the new relationship with another sibling is a good thing.

·         Plan “get to know you” activities. Think of activities that kids like to do and bring them together to enjoy some time getting to know each other. For younger kids, it can be time at a place like Chuck E. Cheese’s. For older kids, it can be going to the mall or the movies or maybe to an athletic event. Just let them get to know each other while doing something they love.

·         Always listen. This is a very important point. Kids like to know that their cares and concerns are of importance. So establish and open door policy where you allow them to respectfully share their thoughts. This boosts their self esteem and helps them adjust to the new situation.

I hope that these tips are helpful as you deal with your own situation. They can work wonders when implemented.

Parenting has its challenges, no doubt. This is one area where parents can make a real positive impact that lasts a lifetime. Blended families are special in their own way. And kids who get a new brother or sister can learn to enjoy life in a whole new way. It’s up to us to help create the environment that will help them thrive in the new family.

Enjoy your day.

The Upbeat Dad

Dads, This Holiday Season Give Your Kids What They Long For: Your Presence!

Well, the holiday season is upon us again. My, my time flies does it? Seems like yesterday we were talking about new years resolutions. Now it’s season’s greetings all over again. If you dare drive by a mall anytime over the next few weeks, chances are, you’ll be in bumper to bumper traffic. Holiday shopping is the order of the day – and retailers are counting on a record-breaking shopping season.

All over the world, dads and moms find particular delight in getting the gifts that their kids have longed for. For some, it’s that new techy gadget everybody’s talking about - the iPad, iPhone or Wii. That would really make their Christmas dreams come true! For others, it’s some other hot new thing that is the talk of their school or neighborhood. This is just that time of the year when boys and girls of all ages can hardly sleep at night because they know their moms and dads are going to get them a special gift that they’ve longed for.

With this as the backdrop, I come back to the real world for a moment. You see, in the fantasy world, kids' dreams come true; they not only get the special gifts they've longed for, but they also come from happy homes where they get the love and emotional support that they desire. In the real world, however, more than 50% of all first marriages end in divorce. And when kids come from such marriages, their happy homes become broken homes and more often than not, they spend relatively little time with their dads.

Did you know that in the United States, approximately 24 millions kids live in a home without their biological father? The reasons for this are unique to each situation but the bottomline is that these kids do not enjoy the daily involvement of their dads in their lives.


This Christmas and holiday season, with all the joyful celebrations that abound all over the world, my heart and mind are with these children – the ones who, due to no fault of their own, don’t have their dads. So my Christmas wish for these kids is this: instead of the very costly presents that they are often showered with, I’d love to see them get the present that has lifetime implications – the presence of their father in their lives.
 
I know the difference that a father’s loving hand makes. My father has always been – and continues to be – a positive influence in my life. Earlier this year, my parents celebrated 47 years of marriage. My father has been an integral part of my development and that of my siblings from our births.

I also know from going through the formal education system that children without fathers in the home just don't perform quite as well as others. And as life progresses, these children become adults and they face a world that, in many ways, is dominated by males, without having the positive influence of the most essential male in the life of a child - their dad.

The repercussions of this can be significant. Did you know that a disproportionate number of prisoners grew up without a father? Did you also know that not having a father present in ones life increases the likelihood of dropping out of school, becoming a teen parent, ending up in poverty? This is just the reality of the situation.

With this post, I appeal to fathers - absentee fathers, in particular - to make it a priority to connect with your kids. Make your present to them this holiday season your presence in their lives. I've written a number of posts on this blog to help. For this topic, read Helping Fathers Connect with Children They've Neglected to learn some tips on establishing that bond.

I also appeal to those who I refer to as the absentee dad living at home. This father is the workaholic type who's always so busy working and getting ahead that his kids grow up under his roof but see him as a stranger. He leaves early in the morning and comes home late at night. The weekends are spent on the golf course or with his buddies. Then when all he cares about is over, he makes time for the kids - whatever little time is left.

I've said repeatedly that we show our kids we love them with the 4 letter word: T-I-M-E. Time spent with them is more precious than any techy gadget. Right now, I can hardly remember any gift I got for Christmas as a child. But you know what I remember? Playing sports with my dad. I remember going for our family Sunday afternoon drives to no place in particular. I remember going to Luby's cafeteria as a family during my teen years. These are the memories that live with me and encourage me to create similar memories with my own kids.


This post would not be complete without acknowledging the role that family law plays in the issue at hand. I believe that the way that the system functions tends to alienate dads from their kids. At least in the United States, courts seem to focus more on the financial support of fathers than the emotional support that bonding with one's child brings. I'm not unfamiliar with the emotional toll that this brings. I've experienced it firsthand and I know it's not easy to deal with.

The environment that the family law system has created, in my view, lends itself to abuse by women who care little about the relationship between father and child. I still insist, however, that despite the innumerable obstacles that are encountered along the way, the love of a father prevails over any legal or other obstacle that might arise. It's love that gives a dad the strength to deal with a biased legal system just so that in the end, he maintains a strong relationship with his kids.

Fatherhood is a wonderful institution. Those of us fortunate enough to be dads should embrace the role wholeheartedly. Kids don't ask to be conceived. They have no choice about the homes they're born into or the circumstances that led to their conception. They come into the world as vulnerable as can be. But with the right guidance by loving parents and others, they can grow to become the best they can be.

If you're a dad and this post has spoken to your heart, starting today, do something to help your kids enjoy a closer, more memorable relationship with you. Get them all the gifts you want this holiday season. But just know that no amount of material presents can equate to your presence in their lives.

I'm rooting for you as you take these steps. And I dare say, the world is rooting for you as well. Loving, actively-engaged dads involved with their kids is something that's welcomed and celebrated the world over.

Let's do the right thing and become the dads that our kids deserve. That would truly make this holiday season the most wonderful time of the year.

Enjoy your day.

The Upbeat Dad