Is Technology Tearing Your Family Apart?

Each week, my wife, my 2 kids and I try to plan a time when it's just us - no phone, no TV, no iPad, no one or nothing else - just us, enjoying each other. We do different activities: sometimes it’s eating at a restaurant; other times it’s having a family game night; sometimes it’s going to the beach, or to a museum or some other place that we decide to visit. The important thing is that it’s just our uninterrupted time to create special memories together.

Recently, on one of these occasions, we went to dinner at a local restaurant. As we sat, there was another family of 4 seated nearby - a dad, a mom, a boy and a girl. The contrast between our 2 families was striking. Here’s what we saw: the mom was texting on her iPhone, the son was playing a game on his Gameboy, the daughter was watching a movie on her iPad and the dad was just sitting there, seemingly with no one to talk to.

In that restaurant, among the many patrons, there sat 2 families of 4 – with 2 different levels of connection. One was functioning as a family while the other was functioning as a disjointed group of individuals. The contrast was amazing.

The institution of family is as old as humanity itself. Fathers, mothers and children from different generations have established relationships that have transcended time. Many of us today grew up in an era where the family was the focal point of everything we did. All plans and activities revolved around the family - holidays, vacations, entertainment. I mean everything!


Over the past few decades, technological advances have fundamentally changed the way that society functions. Believe it or not, there was a time when not every home had a television and radio. Now, it’s commonplace to have those items. And since the early 1980s, personal computers have changed our lives in so many ways. Out went the typewriters and in came word processors. Out went board games and in came computerized games.


Then came the internet. The World Wide Web gives us instant access to data that, in years past, would have taken hours or days or even weeks to get to. Now even our mobile phones can immediately give us information effortlessly by surfing the Web. Then came a string of products led by tech giant, Apple. The iPod, iPhone and iPad have been game-changers in an already competitive market. Suffice it to say, we’re in the midst of a technological revolution. And what a revolution it is!

Having said all of this, I come back to the family. All the technology in the world, advanced though it may be, cannot replace the fulfilling relationships that families can have together. The warmth of a smile or the different ways that love is expressed in the home are irreplaceable.


Most children today, at least in the United States, do not know what it’s like to live in a home without a computer. But for so many of them, growing up in a home without a dad is commonplace. In the African American community, for instance, 70% of babies are born to unwed mothers. The value of the traditional family structure seems to have taken a backseat to practically everything else.

In our homes, technology is a wonderful thing. It allows us to explore and go into areas that, before, seemed unimaginable. But we have to be so careful because the things that have been created for our enjoyment, can be the very same things to tear us apart. Interpersonal communication can almost come to a halt when the iPod, iPad and iPhone are going simultaneously.

We don’t have to give in to the forces of change that technology brings. We have more control than we might think. For instance, I have a “no headphones” policy whenever we drive in the vehicle – whether with just our family or if I have my nieces, nephews or cousins with us. It doesn’t matter who it is. If the entire vehicle cannot be a part of what one person is listening to, then it isn’t worth listening to. So my compromise is that, when I’m in the car with the kids, I listen to what they like. It doesn’t matter that it’s not quite my musical taste – what matters is that we’re connected.


I grew up in a small town in Jamaica in the early 1970s. At that time, television was a luxury to have in most homes in our community. And it wasn’t the 24/7 availability that we have today. Television signed on at 4 PM and signed off at 11 PM. The rest of the time, watching it wasn’t an option – unless, of course, we enjoyed staring at a blank screen. And there was no Gameboy or iPad or any other fancy gadget to take up our time. So we learned to play games and interact with each other.


I long for days when the focal point of all we do in our homes is the family. Working parents can so easily lose touch with their kids, all in the name of ‘making a living.’ The life they make often comes at the cost of valuable time with their kids. See the post Cats in the Cradle: A Life Lesson for Working Parents for more on this subject.

As parents, let’s endeavor to create an environment in our homes where the family comes first. Whether you’re married or single, as a parent, you have control over the role that technology plays in your family. I implore you not to let your kids be more connected to their gadgets than they are to you. You have more control than you think.

Establish guidelines that will emphasize the importance of the family unit. And spend time with your kids. Have fun enjoying the marvels of technology with them. Just keep focused on the value that exists in each family member. No genius can invent anything that compares to the priceless gift of family.

After reading this, perhaps you may need to make some changes in the way your home functions. I encourage you to implement those changes because the end result of a more closely knit family is worth it. You deserve it – and so do your family members. So do what you need to do. Believe me, this investment will pay dividends for a lifetime!

Enjoy your day,

The Upbeat Dad



    

Helping Blended Families Deal With Sibling Rivalry

Parenthood is the gift that keeps on giving. Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, it presents a new challenge as well as a new opportunity to impact our children’s lives. Some see it as a burden; I choose to see it as something to embrace.

I have a teen daughter and a son who’s almost a year and a half old. Managing the responsibility of raising these two, along with my wife, isn’t always easy. But let’s just say I do a lot of on-the-job training. My daughter is from my former marriage and my son is from my new marriage. You see, we have a blended family. And this family is my life. Knowing that I have a new opportunity to live happily-ever-after in a new relationship is something that I readily embrace. And I’m willing to do all it takes to make this one last a lifetime!

You may have heard the term “sibling rivalry” used to describe the relationship that often develops between brothers and sisters. The reasons that cause the rivalry to develop are many but one thing is for certain – it is a reality that many families face.

The nature of blended families is such that when you have stepbrothers and stepsisters, the relationships can be worse than the traditional rivalry between siblings. Kids with different dads or different moms can easily find themselves in competition. It just comes with the territory.

What can we do as parents to help to minimize the effects of this phenomenon when there is a blended family? That’s the purpose of this post.

About 2 years ago, when my wife and I told our daughter that she had a baby brother on the way, she was less than thrilled. You see, years before, I was a single dad. It was just she and me living our lives and making the most of it. When I started dating the person who would become my wife, my daughter felt that the attention and affection that was always directed towards her would now be redirected to someone else.

The dating process that eventually led to marriage was one of the challenges that put to the test the skills that I had developed as a parent. You can read more about this in: The Story of My Blended Family. Our “blending” wasn’t something that happened overnight. We had to put certain measures in place to ensure that each person would be happy in this new union.

So almost a year into the marriage, when my daughter learned that a baby was on the way, she said to me, “All this time, I had your heart to myself. Now you got married and your heart got divided in two – she got one half and I got the other. So now that you’re having more children, my half is just gonna get smaller and smaller.” I was dumbfounded. Just when I thought I had it all figured out, I had a new challenge on my hands.

Since that time, my wife and I have been so conscious of the fact that our daughter needs the assurance that all will be fine, regardless of the number of children we have. The important thing is that the love for her is unconditional.

Now our daughter has a totally different outlook on her role in the family. She’s a big sister and she has fully embraced that role. She lovingly plays her part in her little brother’s growth and development. Sometimes it’s changing diapers; other times it’s feeding; and other times it’s just playing with him because they both have a great time. I know it’s just the beginning of their relationship but I think they’re off to a good start. And as long as we as parents do our job, they should grow closer as time goes on.

When blended families come together, I believe that parents ought to help children learn that their new brothers or sisters might have different moms or dads but they are just as valued in the family. Sometimes the rivalry that develops in a traditional family comes from parents displaying preferences for one child over others. In a blended family, that can be disastrous. It’s not unusual for marriages to breakup because the kids didn’t embrace their new siblings.

In my case, the two siblings are 12 years apart and the younger one was born in the marriage. But what about cases where older kids see their parents get married? That can certainly be a challenge. Some kids have a hard enough time accepting a new mom or dad. Dealing with a new sibling takes things to a different level. They may have to share rooms. They may have to start doing things with another person when they were used to having their space and doing their own thing.

Parents can help their kids to navigate this unchartered territory by implementing a few measures:

·        Have a talk. Before the families come together, it’s good to have a talk and let each child know what’s happening. Listen to them express their concerns and help them weigh the pros and cons of having someone else to call brother or sister. Then assure them that they can always share their thoughts with you as the family comes together.

·         Give them time. Adjusting to a new situation is part of the routine that kids learn. They learn to meet new friend. They learn to adapt to new schools. So joining a blended family is just another thing that they can get used to. In each changing situation, they need time to adjust. Don’t be pushy and try to force them into accepting the new relationship. Give them time and let them learn to see that the new relationship with another sibling is a good thing.

·         Plan “get to know you” activities. Think of activities that kids like to do and bring them together to enjoy some time getting to know each other. For younger kids, it can be time at a place like Chuck E. Cheese’s. For older kids, it can be going to the mall or the movies or maybe to an athletic event. Just let them get to know each other while doing something they love.

·         Always listen. This is a very important point. Kids like to know that their cares and concerns are of importance. So establish and open door policy where you allow them to respectfully share their thoughts. This boosts their self esteem and helps them adjust to the new situation.

I hope that these tips are helpful as you deal with your own situation. They can work wonders when implemented.

Parenting has its challenges, no doubt. This is one area where parents can make a real positive impact that lasts a lifetime. Blended families are special in their own way. And kids who get a new brother or sister can learn to enjoy life in a whole new way. It’s up to us to help create the environment that will help them thrive in the new family.

Enjoy your day.

The Upbeat Dad

Dads, This Holiday Season Give Your Kids What They Long For: Your Presence!

Well, the holiday season is upon us again. My, my time flies does it? Seems like yesterday we were talking about new years resolutions. Now it’s season’s greetings all over again. If you dare drive by a mall anytime over the next few weeks, chances are, you’ll be in bumper to bumper traffic. Holiday shopping is the order of the day – and retailers are counting on a record-breaking shopping season.

All over the world, dads and moms find particular delight in getting the gifts that their kids have longed for. For some, it’s that new techy gadget everybody’s talking about - the iPad, iPhone or Wii. That would really make their Christmas dreams come true! For others, it’s some other hot new thing that is the talk of their school or neighborhood. This is just that time of the year when boys and girls of all ages can hardly sleep at night because they know their moms and dads are going to get them a special gift that they’ve longed for.

With this as the backdrop, I come back to the real world for a moment. You see, in the fantasy world, kids' dreams come true; they not only get the special gifts they've longed for, but they also come from happy homes where they get the love and emotional support that they desire. In the real world, however, more than 50% of all first marriages end in divorce. And when kids come from such marriages, their happy homes become broken homes and more often than not, they spend relatively little time with their dads.

Did you know that in the United States, approximately 24 millions kids live in a home without their biological father? The reasons for this are unique to each situation but the bottomline is that these kids do not enjoy the daily involvement of their dads in their lives.


This Christmas and holiday season, with all the joyful celebrations that abound all over the world, my heart and mind are with these children – the ones who, due to no fault of their own, don’t have their dads. So my Christmas wish for these kids is this: instead of the very costly presents that they are often showered with, I’d love to see them get the present that has lifetime implications – the presence of their father in their lives.
 
I know the difference that a father’s loving hand makes. My father has always been – and continues to be – a positive influence in my life. Earlier this year, my parents celebrated 47 years of marriage. My father has been an integral part of my development and that of my siblings from our births.

I also know from going through the formal education system that children without fathers in the home just don't perform quite as well as others. And as life progresses, these children become adults and they face a world that, in many ways, is dominated by males, without having the positive influence of the most essential male in the life of a child - their dad.

The repercussions of this can be significant. Did you know that a disproportionate number of prisoners grew up without a father? Did you also know that not having a father present in ones life increases the likelihood of dropping out of school, becoming a teen parent, ending up in poverty? This is just the reality of the situation.

With this post, I appeal to fathers - absentee fathers, in particular - to make it a priority to connect with your kids. Make your present to them this holiday season your presence in their lives. I've written a number of posts on this blog to help. For this topic, read Helping Fathers Connect with Children They've Neglected to learn some tips on establishing that bond.

I also appeal to those who I refer to as the absentee dad living at home. This father is the workaholic type who's always so busy working and getting ahead that his kids grow up under his roof but see him as a stranger. He leaves early in the morning and comes home late at night. The weekends are spent on the golf course or with his buddies. Then when all he cares about is over, he makes time for the kids - whatever little time is left.

I've said repeatedly that we show our kids we love them with the 4 letter word: T-I-M-E. Time spent with them is more precious than any techy gadget. Right now, I can hardly remember any gift I got for Christmas as a child. But you know what I remember? Playing sports with my dad. I remember going for our family Sunday afternoon drives to no place in particular. I remember going to Luby's cafeteria as a family during my teen years. These are the memories that live with me and encourage me to create similar memories with my own kids.


This post would not be complete without acknowledging the role that family law plays in the issue at hand. I believe that the way that the system functions tends to alienate dads from their kids. At least in the United States, courts seem to focus more on the financial support of fathers than the emotional support that bonding with one's child brings. I'm not unfamiliar with the emotional toll that this brings. I've experienced it firsthand and I know it's not easy to deal with.

The environment that the family law system has created, in my view, lends itself to abuse by women who care little about the relationship between father and child. I still insist, however, that despite the innumerable obstacles that are encountered along the way, the love of a father prevails over any legal or other obstacle that might arise. It's love that gives a dad the strength to deal with a biased legal system just so that in the end, he maintains a strong relationship with his kids.

Fatherhood is a wonderful institution. Those of us fortunate enough to be dads should embrace the role wholeheartedly. Kids don't ask to be conceived. They have no choice about the homes they're born into or the circumstances that led to their conception. They come into the world as vulnerable as can be. But with the right guidance by loving parents and others, they can grow to become the best they can be.

If you're a dad and this post has spoken to your heart, starting today, do something to help your kids enjoy a closer, more memorable relationship with you. Get them all the gifts you want this holiday season. But just know that no amount of material presents can equate to your presence in their lives.

I'm rooting for you as you take these steps. And I dare say, the world is rooting for you as well. Loving, actively-engaged dads involved with their kids is something that's welcomed and celebrated the world over.

Let's do the right thing and become the dads that our kids deserve. That would truly make this holiday season the most wonderful time of the year.

Enjoy your day.

The Upbeat Dad

Kim Kardashian: What We Can Learn From Her Impending Divorce

Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Kim Kardashian is getting divorced after only 72 days!

Wow! Yes, that’s right. The newlywed star is getting divorced. But the honeymoon isn’t over yet, is it? Apparently it is. Ok, so what does that have to do with you and me? Isn’t this site about fatherhood? Well, read on – we’re going somewhere with this.

For those who may not know, Kim Kardashian is a reality television star. Her show, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, put her and her family on the map in 2007. And since then, she’s had a meteoric rise to fame. She and her sisters have starred in hit spinoffs, Kourtney and Kim Take Miami and Kourtney and Kim Take New York. She’s also starred on ABC’s hit series Dancing With the Stars. Add other accomplishments such as successfully launching multiple fragrances and you’ll get the picture: Kim Kardashian is a star.

She began dating NBA player Kris Humphries of the New Jersey Nets in October 2010. They became engaged in May 2011, and married on August 20, 2011 in an elegant made-for-TV wedding in Montecito, California. It was broadcast on the E! television network and watched by millions around the world. Reportedly, Kardashian and Humphries made $17.9 million from the ceremony. And how much did the wedding cost? Some estimates say $20 million. And unlike many young couples, these costs weren’t out of pocket expenses for them. They paid little or none of the cost of the elaborate event. Celebrity does have its privileges.

Well, just 72 days into the marriage, to the surprise of millions, on October 31, 2011, Kim filed for divorce from Humphries, citing irreconcilable differences. In less than 2 ½ months, apparently, it just wasn’t working.

There are different schools of thought on what actually occurred. Some believe that the marriage was a stunt to get the media and fans talking. A widely held view in many circles is that any publicity is good publicity. So, to them, this was a stunt to enhance the Kardashian brand. When people say, “Can you believe that Kim Kardashian is getting a divorce?” that results in greater awareness of the brand and spells $$$$. That’s just how it works.

The E! network defended itself for partnership with the couple by airing their wedding with the following statement: “Any insinuation that E! and producers orchestrated Kim’s wedding is completely false. The Kardashians have authentically lived their lives on camera for a long time and Kim’s wedding is one of the many real-life events that the family has shared with viewers…”

Others believe that it was just as Kardashian claimed in her divorce filing – their differences were irreconcilable. It’s highly unusual that a couple divorces after less than 3 months but it’s not entirely impossible. Stranger things have happened. But regardless of what true reasons are, the divorce has been filed and now the legal process of ending the marriage has begun.

There are some lessons imbedded in this story that I hope that men, women and children learn. I believe that families will be better for it. So here are the lessons:

Marriage has traditionally been a sacred institution – one that should not be entered into lightly. “Till death do us part,” is a phrase often repeated in wedding ceremonies. So, in repeating the vows, couples really are saying that despite the challenges that inevitably arise, they will remain committed to each other until death. Words such as “for richer, for poorer; in sickness, in health, for better, for worse” used to be revered to the extent that divorce was never an option.

But over time, divorce has increasingly become the norm in our society. Take a look at these statistics, for instance: In the United States, in 1900, 7.9% of marriages ended in divorce. The percentage increased to 23.1% in 1950; to 48.1% in 1975 and to and 50.3% in 2000. You get the picture? Couples are stay together less.

Certainly there are a variety of factors that have caused the change. One prevalent factor is that women have joined the workforce in increasing numbers over the decades. Previously, many women who were unhappily married opted to remain in those marriages because they were less educated and would likely endure financial turmoil if they opted to leave. But in today’s world, many more options are available to them.

Add kids to the picture and marriages take on greater significance. Some divorced couples trace the demise of their marriages to the birth of their children and the manifestation of fundamental differences in the viewpoints on how they should be raised. Indeed, having kids adds a new dimension to the married life.

I tend to be somewhat traditional in my viewpoints on marriage. Perhaps it’s because I’ve seen my parents happily grow together while raising my 3 siblings and me. This year they celebrated 47 years of marriage. Statistics show that children with actively engaged fathers and mothers in a two-parent household fare better than their peers who do not enjoy the same privilege. When dads and moms work together to raise children, the married life can be quite rewarding.

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries didn’t have kids – 72 days isn’t a long time, is it? In my view, that’s one good thing that comes out of this story. Children are often the innocent victims – collateral damage, if you will, when marriages fail. Since this couple had no kids, when this marriage is over, even if the divorce proceedings should get messy, it is over. When kids are present, there’s a perpetual tie that binds mother, father and child(ren).

Another lesson I’d like to look at in this impending divorce is the fact that in our society, we often emphasize the glamour and elegance of weddings and fail to give the same emphasis to the marriages. Weddings can truly be beautiful. If you saw the Kardashian / Humphries wedding, you can attest to this. $20 million can go a long way!

One of my fondest childhood memories was waking up early one summer morning at my uncle’s home in Jamaica and watching the wedding of Prince Charles and Lady Diana. Some called that the wedding of the century. Now a generation later, their son, Prince William took Kate Middleton to be his bride earlier this year. I wrote William & Catherine;Charles & Diana: What We Can Learn From Them as I thought of these two royal couples and their fairy tale weddings. Charles and Diana didn’t fare quite so well. I do hope that William and Kate’s relationship stands the test of time.

You see, wedding ceremonies are great. Honeymoons can be greater. But it’s the marriages that tell what couples are really made of. Sprinting to the altar after a whirlwind romance is fine; but marriage is a marathon – one filled with twists and turns that can either cause the demise of a relationship or make it become more fortified.I know of couples that separate and divorced while still having outstanding debts incurred from their wedding. How sad is that? I’m all for memorable weddings but what good does it do to not have the same devotion to every detail of the marriage as there is to the wedding?

The final lesson I’d like to share regarding this couple’s divorce is that we should not become so enamored with celebrities that we lose ourselves and our core convictions in the process. Hollywood thrives on the public intrigue with its stars. There’s a reason why the E! network is so successful. Celebrity sells, plain and simple.

The unfortunate consequence to this, in my view, is that people view the lives of celebrities and watch their every move. And many believe that whatever their favorite star says or does is to be embraced. Young children, in particular, are impressionable and can be easily influenced while observing the lives of their favorite stars.

In the Kim Kardashian case, I believe that her 72 day marriage has sent a message to young children that marriage isn’t really a serious commitment – you get in, get out and move on. For this reason, I implore dads and moms to teach strong traditional family values to their children. I have a 13 year old and a 15 month old. I would like to think that my wife and I would instill such values in them that, regardless of what a famous star says or does, they would emulate the values taught to them by their parents. That’s the true responsibility of parenthood.

I hope that these pointers I’ve shared here have been beneficial to you. This impending divorce has been in the news recently so I figured I’d share thoughts on the matter that would ultimately benefit families across the world.What happens next with this divorcing couple, I don’t know – I’m not one to keep up with the Kardashians! The 72 day wedding is their legacy unfortunately. I do wish them well as they live their lives. I also wish that they, as well as other celebrities, would recognize the degree of influence that they have on the lives of others and therefore, make decisions that would result in them having a positive influence on the public.

If you’re married, especially if you have children, please do your best to keep it together. If you’re unmarried and desire to be married, do choose wisely. If more than 50% of marriages fail, tell yourself that yours will be one that not only succeeds but also thrives. The love in our homes is ultimately what makes our world go around.

Celebrities are great to watch and observe; but as we all live our lives, let’s embrace the values that will lead us to build happy, successful marriages and families. We deserve nothing less.

Enjoy your day today.

 

The Upbeat Dad

 

 

Helping Fathers to Connect with Children They've Neglected

Parenthood is a bold and noble calling - one that is shared by people all over the world. Being an integral part of the process that brings a new life into our world is an honor that both fathers and mothers share. Indeed such a calling comes with a great degree of responsibility.

I recognize that not every child is born under the ideal circumstances. Unintended pregnancies occur every day for different reasons. In some cases, the pregnancies are terminated. In other cases, they go full-term and babies are born into circumstances where their parents are not quite ready for the responsibility of raising them.

From many of these situations come children whose fathers opted to become absent rather than take on the responsibility. I often say that for many men, the last conversation they have with some women is when they say, "I'm pregnant." After that, they're never seen or heard from again. And the women are left to raise the children alone.

With this post I'd like to speak to the hearts of men who have fathered children but have not followed through on their responsibility to care and provide for them. I know that it's easier to reach some than others because each situation is different. For some men, the last thing they want to hear is someone telling them what they should do regarding their children when they have been treated harshly by a family law system that seeks to operate against them and their best interests. I fully recognize this.

Yet, I also recognize the important role that fathers can play in the lives of children. So I hope that this post will touch the hearts of many and will challenge them to do the right thing on their children's behalf.

There are several indicators that tell us of the importance of the role of a father. And there are various consequences to our society when children are fatherless . Let me share some with you. In the United States alone, 24 million children do not live in a home with their biological father. Children without active fathers in their lives are more likely to:

• drop out of school
• become teen parents
• abuse alcohol and drugs
• end up in prison

In the African American community, 70% of children are born to unwed mothers. In the same community, 1 of 3 young men between age 20 and 30 is either in prison or is in some way involved in the criminal justice system. Suffice it to say that children need their fathers.


So how does one make a connection with a child who he has walked away from? And how does one get over the barriers to establishing a relationship with that child? I previously wrote Establishing a Relationship with Your Absentee Dad. The issue at hand is the opposite of that scenario - it's now about how the absentee dad can establish a relationship with his children.


Here are some steps that I believe can be taken to establish that relationship:


1. Forgive yourself and others. The starting point, in my opinion, is forgiveness. There are varied reasons that fathers effectively abandon their children. In some cases, they do not want the responsibility that comes with fatherhood. In other cases, mothers have used the children as tools - bargaining chips, if you will - to manipulate a family law system that operates in their favor.


If fathers are to establish successful relationships with the children, I believe that forgiveness is the key. Forgiving oneself for not fulfilling a responsibility is empowering. Forgiving others for what they did to cause the situation is also empowering. By forgiving, one becomes free of the chains that bind and inhibit the establishment of a good father-child relationship.


2. Reach out to the children. I can't tell you how many times I've heard of children who don't know their father speak of how much they just want to know them. Sadly, some wait a lifetime and never meet them. Yet there are other cases where the fathers have done so much wrong that the children have no desire to meet them.

I encourage fathers to assess their own situation and make every effort to reach out to the children. Also, let me say here that a humble demeanor goes a long way. Children are under no obligation to accept the person who fathered them and then left. When the children are older - particularly when they're already adults - they may have greater resistance and more indifference. As much as it lies with you, do everything to ensure that a connection can be made. So a humble demeanor in trying to establish that relationship can work wonders.

3. Don't blame others. When you've reached out to the children and are making the connection with them, it's important to just focus on you and them. If others - particularly the mothers - gave you a hard time, the kids don't need to know that. You may be 100% right and justified in placing the blame. But you don't need to say it to the kids. Just be a loving father and, in time, your care and affection for them will overcome any obstacle caused by others' negative words or actions.

When I went through my divorce 10 years ago, I had a really rough experience. Read The Awful Night 10 Years Ago That Led Me to Start The Upbeat Dad to learn more about it. I wasn't an absentee dad but certainly I could relate to what many men experience in the legal process. I really could have let my then 3 year old daughter know all that was happening and why I needed a court order just to be able to see her. But I opted to shield her from the negativity of playing the blame game. I just focused on being a loving dad and let the rest take care of itself. And I'm so glad I did. It worked wonders then and it's still working today.

4. Understand the true meaning of child support. The term child support seems to come up only in a family law context. But I believe that loving parents support their children 24/7/365. In other words, they support them in every way - financially and otherwise.

Fathers have long been seen as the financiers of their children's lives while mothers provide the nurturing. Some men have then bought into the notion that paying child support equates to being a good father. And, to some extent, the legal system tends to support this view.

I encourage you to read the posts What Exactly is Child Support? and Is Paying Child Support Punishment or a Privilege? If you haven't paid child support as you ought to, begin doing it today. If you've paid it, that's great but understand that when you support your children, money is only a part of your obligation. There so much more to it than that. Support your kids all the time, in whatever they do. That's how you win their minds and hearts.

5. Let your actions do the talking. You've probably heard the saying, "Actions speak louder than words." If you're really committed to establishing that relationship, taking action can speak volumes. Showing up and giving a world of promises is great. Getting a new schedule of time with the children is wonderful. But all of it is meaningless if not followed up by action.

Let your kids get to know and trust you as a loving father. Skipping meaningful time with them and then showing up with expensive presents might seem to work for a while but in the long-run, it's your presence that means more to them. If you promise to call them each night before they go do bed, do just that. If you get them on the weekends, do just that. Show up to their athletic events and school events and support them with genuine enthusiasm.

So there you have it. These tips I've shared here can work wonders in the process of establishing that relationship. You cannot change the past. You cannot undo what was done before. You can only acknowledge what occurred and try to make corrective action going forward.

I believe quite strongly that where there is life there is hope. Regardless of how bad the circumstances may have been, you can reach out and make a connection with your kids. And when you do, you'll have the opportunity to help to mold and influence their lives in a positive way. The choice is yours.

I've previously said that "father" is a term of biology but "daddy" is a term of endearment. When you give of your best and try to mend the broken fences, you'll very soon become "daddy" instead of just the man who fathered a child. It can be done. And I encourage you to say for yourself, it will be done.

Do enjoy your day.

The Upbeat Dad