Thursday, October 22, 2015

Helping Men Through the Pain of Divorce



It seems that recently, more and more, I've been meeting men who are going through the pain and turmoil that comes with the divorce experience. Whether I'm at work, church, traveling or just in social settings, increasingly I've been meeting men who are hurting. Some have been married for years; others are relatively newlywed - 2 years and under; some were actually never married but were in relationships headed for marriage but somehow got derailed on the way to the altar.

All of these situations seem to have a common thread - the pain is very real. And seemingly, because of certain societal expectations, many of these men have a difficult time dealing with their emotions. They have challenges trying to reconcile their true emotions with stereotypes such as "real men don't cry."

Perhaps, as you read this, you're a man dealing with the new normal - life without the person you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with. And perhaps you think that your situation is unique and no one else is feeling the turmoil that you're experiencing now. It could very well be that as you read these words, you see this as your last glimmer of hope in your state of hurt. Maybe you’ve seen your life savings and investments wiped out in a maze of attorney fees, child support and alimony payments. And perhaps for the first time in your life you find yourself sitting on a psychologist’s couch  sharing your innermost feelings.  


With all of this in mind, I've decided to share these words that I believe will be an encouragement to you. You see, I can very much relate to the pain and disappointment that comes with the ending of what I thought was the relationship of a lifetime. If you should meet or speak with me, what you might witness on the surface is lots and smiles and laughter. But if you look a bit further, you'd see that beneath the outer surface are the battle scars from past relationships gone wrong. The wounds have healed for years and I've come through the storm just fine. I'm now happily married with 2 kids. But still, I can very much relate to the present suffering of the hurting who I have the privilege of meeting.

I went through a divorce in the early 2000s. The marriage ended formally in 2002 but because we had a daughter - a 4 year old at the time - for the next few years it seemed that I was always dealing with some new post-divorce issue relating to her. On this blog, I've shared different posts about my own journey - posts such as:

The Story Behind the Upbeat Dad



The battle scars that I refer to go back to even before that marriage. In the mid-90s, I experienced the ending of the relationship with my college sweetheart. That might sound like no big deal today but at the time, it sent me into a tailspin because for 3 years we talked about the wonderful married life we would live together. And somehow it all seemed to fall apart overnight. As bad as that experience was, it paled in comparison to what came a few short years later - a messy divorce with a child involved.


All of this preliminary information on this post has brought me to the point of saying this: life goes on after relationships end. And if we take the right approach, we can come through the storm virtually unscathed, with an even better outlook on life.

Each time that a relationship ends, I believe that we are left with 2 basic choices: yearn for the rekindling of that relationship or move on with the rest of our lives. As fundamental as that sounds, in practice, it's not always such an easy choice. When people don't recognize the simplicity of these choices, sometimes what results can be quite alarming - things such as:

- depression
- domestic violence
- drug and alcohol abuse
- suicide
- murder
- murder suicide

Extreme, though these may sound, believe me when I tell you that, under the right circumstances or wrong circumstances, I should say, even the most warm, gentle, kind-hearted person can be so negatively affected by a broken relationship that these issues become associated with them.

Having had disappointing ends to a few relationships I can say with certainty that it's better to move on. The harsh reality is that we can't control other people so, regardless of how we may feel about the possible future of a relationship, it takes two people to make it work. And if one party is no longer interested, there's very little one can do to change them. We can wish and pray that there's a change of heart but unless there is such a change, we have to either move on or be stuck in a perpetual state of yearning for the past.


As men, we can be stubborn. And believe me when I say that I've dealt with some stubborn men over the past few years. Their wives or girlfriends leave and they are so determined to get them back that they adopt uncharacteristic behaviors in that pursuit. In some cases, they win them back. In other cases, when they are unsuccessful, they have a hard time moving on so they become bitter. As I went through my own divorce, a gentleman who mentored me told me, "It is better to become better than to remain bitter." (Read To Become Bitter or Better:The Choice is Yours for more about this topic.)

Here's something that has worked wonders for me. Just like when a loved one dies, we go through a period of mourning. And then, in time, we recover and move on with our lives. In the same way, I believe that it's best that we mourn the death of our relationships. It's difficult and very painful to see the love fade to the point of death; that's why the period of mourning is so crucial. But after the death and burial, it is best to resume living, slow though the process may be.

To become completely healed and whole after a broken relationship, I believe that forgiveness is necessary: forgiving the other person and forgiving yourself for any and all hurt. Forgiveness entails holding someone blameless, even if they can be blamed. Letting go and leaving them blameless is such a powerful tool because it releases us from the chains of bitterness. (Read Forgiveness: The Key to Healing After Divorce)

I know some people - both men and women - who are never quite the same after divorce. They live the rest of their lives thinking about the one that got away, rather than moving on and embracing the gift of life. I think it's best to move on, live your life and you'll be fine.


If you're a dad, keep in mind that divorce means you're no longer a husband but you'll always be a dad. Issues of custody and child support can be overwhelming but just know that through it all, you're always and forever a dad. That's one of the things that kept me sane throughout the turmoil that ensued following my divorce. That marriage ended 10 years ago - it's a distant memory. But our daughter's a wonderful, well-adjusted 14 year old high school freshman who still has the love and admiration of her mom and dad.

Here is something that has kept me going - and I believe that it can work wonders for you as well. After going through the ending of my marriage, I thought how good it would be if, after the storm subsided, I could encourage other men who experienced a similar plight. My experience wasn't for me alone - it was for the hundreds and thousands or even millions of men and women who are left with the choice of picking up the pieces and moving on or being forever stuck in a rut because of the pain caused by divorce.

The vast array of family law issues that can really be a financial and emotional drain on even the most optimistic person. So as you come through the storm - as you certainly will - strengthen those who also deal with these unique feelings.

Today, I'm in a much better place. I've had custody of my daughter for the past 5 years. I'm happily married to a wonderful woman and we have a precious 2 year old son. I know all this would not have been possible had I not made the choice 10 years ago to let go of the pain and move on.


I would have never had the insight to start the Upbeat Dad Organization without some of the lessons that I learned in that very challenging chapter of my life. Perhaps you can do something similar after making it through your storm. Or maybe you have family members or friends or co-workers who experience the hurt that comes with divorce. You can help them to get back on the right track. My point in all this is that the experience isn't for you alone - it's meant for you to strengthen others.

I hope that this post has been an encouragement to you. Life is a precious gift and although divorce is something that many of us experience, it doesn't have to mean doom and gloom. As you come through it all, devote yourself to making it through the storm and coming back stronger and better than ever. You can and you will, if you embrace the principle shared here. I'm pulling for you and so are many others throughout the world.

Enjoy the rest of your day.


The Upbeat Dad


28 comments:

  1. Upbeat Dad, Going through a divorce is a unique experience. I had friends come to me before telling me about what they were going through and wanting to talk in great detail about their situation. I couldn't relate and distanced myself. I'm not divorced...yet. My wife and I live together and we are talking to mediators. We get along well and laugh during the mediation session. It isn't tense. We have two kids that we both love.

    As my relationship has crumbled this past year and I've desperately tried to save it I've taken up walking to try to get exercise and reduce anxiety. A co-worker and I started walking together. I opened up to him about what I was going through. Turns out, he had been divorced some years earlier. He's been walking with me 2 or 3 times a day and has been a great listener. I've poured my heart out and he's offered advice based on his experiences.

    I only hope that I can be there for somebody in the future in this same way that he has been there for me. I've never had the need to talk so much as I do now.

    As for approaches of either moving on or hoping to reconcile....I'm still in a position where I am holding out hope for now. I say this because we haven't tried a separation and she hasn't gone to more than 4 couples sessions this year. But, I know I will need to move on at some point. I'm just not ready to give up hope and the stories you read about reconciliations provide that hope.

    Thanks for the great post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HOW I GOT MY MAN BACK
      i just want to start this way by giving a huge thanks to this man DR. UGO ANDREW for what he has just done in my life and my family . At first i thought it won,t work because many has failed me before but on a second thought i said let me just try and to my best surprise Harris my husband that said and insist he has nothing to do with me and my family again called me immediately this great man DR. UGO ANDREW of generalspelltemple@gmail.com cast a love spell on him and started begging for forgiveness. Well i love him so much and at once i accepted him back and today we are both living in pace and harmony, all the glory is to this man DR. UGO ANDREW of generalspelltemple@gmail.com DOC I THANK YOU once again for you are worthy of all the praise and thanks. forever am grateful and shall ever be to you . i also want to say if you are out there passing through any relationship issues you can contact him today and i strongly believe he will also help you out. once again you can contact him through the following way

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      HOW I GOT MY MAN BACK
      i just want to start this way by giving a huge thanks to this man DR. UGO ANDREW for what he has just done in my life and my family . At first i thought it won,t work because many has failed me before but on a second thought i said let me just try and to my best surprise Harris my husband that said and insist he has nothing to do with me and my family again called me immediately this great man DR. UGO ANDREW of generalspelltemple@gmail.com cast a love spell on him and started begging for forgiveness. Well i love him so much and at once i accepted him back and today we are both living in pace and harmony, all the glory is to this man DR. UGO ANDREW of generalspelltemple@gmail.com DOC I THANK YOU once again for you are worthy of all the praise and thanks. forever am grateful and shall ever be to you . i also want to say if you are out there passing through any relationship issues you can contact him today and i strongly believe he will also help you out. once again you can contact him through the following way

      Email Address: generalspelltemple@gmail.com

      WhatsApp Number: +1 (518)855-8371

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    2. I made a promise to tell my testimony all over the globe once my man come back to me and my husband came just as Great Mother told me when she helped me. I made the right choice to have contacted Great Mother the great spell caster who is capable of helping you solve your problems. My man left me to suffer and i never believed that he will come back to me again but when i contacted Great Mother she assured me that my man will come again. She gave me some list of items to buy but i could not get them in my country and so i sent her the money and she bought the items and prepared the perfect love spell. My husband ran back to me in 3 days time begging for forgiveness THIS IS SO REAL AND GENUINE. NO SCAMS. I was so surprise that the spell worked just as she told me. This is so amazing and i want you to believe because Great Mother is so real and i urge you contact her now on her email so that she can also help you the way she helped me. Her email is Greatmotherofsolutiontemple@yahoo.com and you can also contact her with her phone number on whats app +2348078359876 you can also check and contact her on
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    4. MY EX IS FINALLY BACK TO ME

      I was so depressed when my ex left me for another woman. it made me felt like i was not relevant and my heart and love life was seriously destroyed. i could not concentrate in anything i was doing. i went online and searched for help but could not find any genuine spell caster until i went to Ocala Florida to visit my aunt to ease the depression and loneliness. when i got to Florida, i explained to my aunt who then felt pity for me and told me the secret she have not told anyone about the success in her marriage with her man. she then took me to the temple of powerful Dr. Ugo Wonders whom i met and explained my problems to. he promised to help me because of my aunt. i trusted his words and provided him with the materials needed to help me get my ex back and to my greatest surprise, after 48 hours of casting the spell, my Ex cam back on his knees begging for me to forgive him. i was shocked and surprised at the magic. we are happily married now and everything is working fine with us.I promised Dr. Ugo that i will never keep this a secret because he brought back my life and my world and that i will hare my testimony to the general public.
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      MY EX IS FINALLY BACK TO ME

      I was so depressed when my ex left me for another woman. it made me felt like i was not relevant and my heart and love life was seriously destroyed. i could not concentrate in anything i was doing. i went online and searched for help but could not find any genuine spell caster until i went to Ocala Florida to visit my aunt to ease the depression and loneliness. when i got to Florida, i explained to my aunt who then felt pity for me and told me the secret she have not told anyone about the success in her marriage with her man. she then took me to the temple of powerful Dr. Ugo Wonders whom i met and explained my problems to. he promised to help me because of my aunt. i trusted his words and provided him with the materials needed to help me get my ex back and to my greatest surprise, after 48 hours of casting the spell, my Ex cam back on his knees begging for me to forgive him. i was shocked and surprised at the magic. we are happily married now and everything is working fine with us.I promised Dr. Ugo that i will never keep this a secret because he brought back my life and my world and that i will hare my testimony to the general public.
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  2. I have a husband who cheats on me, drinks and as his wife he could hardly spend time or listen to me, i and my husband Mark are both from the United state. I have tried all means to stop him from this ugly attitude but he never changed, he teats me like a slave, he stop loving me the way he used to and he now always come home late at night. I tried all means to make him love me back and change for good and i have also talked to his families concerning his attitude. I just got to know of Priest Ajigar recently that he helps a lot of persons to restore their broken marriage, i asked Priest Ajigar if there is any way i could make him love me again and make him a good responsible husband. He promised to help me out and in just 4 days after the spell was done he started loving me again and now he is fully back to his right senses, if you are looking for a genuine spell caster to help you with your marriage problems, i will advice you email Priest Ajigar on his email: priestajigarspells@live.com his spells works, is powerful and a genuine spell caster.

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  3. A shocking testimony of how i got back my husband. Getting him back after separation was a very difficult issue for me because he went to settle down with another lady, i already had two children for him already. I have tried to make contacts with him to come back home yet he refuse, each time i look at his kids i become more sad and i needed him at my side to raise the children together. I was so lucky i finally got the help i needed, i went on a search and i saw Priest Ajigars contact.. People say he is a very powerful spell caster that he can put an end to relationship problem, fertility issues, causes that disturb destiny, he is also good in curing different diseases. He is such a special man gifted with powers and reliable spell caster that have a cure to most problems of life. My husband is back to me and we are living happily as it used to be, Priest Ajigar have done what i could never have done with my own powers, i'm also very happy that i will have a very lovely Xmas with my family here is USA. Here is his email in case you need help too (priestajigarspells@live.com)

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  9. Princess Hanna is a very genuine spell caster and a very unique and a powerful woman of wisdom Email her now for any urgent love spell done Princesshannaspell@yahoo.com

    Hey guys, I'm so excited of getting my husband back after he left me and our 3 kids for another woman. After 2 years of marriage, me and my husband has been into one quarrel or the other until he finally left me and moved to California to be with another woman. i felt my life was over and my kids thought they would never see their father again. i tried to be strong just for the kids but i could not control the pains that torments my heart, my heart was filled with sorrows and pains because i was really in love with my husband. Every day and night i think of him and always wish he would come back to me, I was really upset and i needed help, so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Princess Hanna can help get ex back fast. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted her and she told me what to do and i did it then she did a (Love spell) for me. 48 hours later, my husband really called me and told me that he miss me and the kids so much, So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and the kids. Then from that day,our Marriage was now stronger than how it were before,All thanks to Princess Hanna. She is so powerful and i decided to share my story on the internet that Princess Hanna is real and powerful spell caster who i will always pray to live long to help his children in the time of trouble, if you are here and you need your Ex back or your husband moved or your wife to another woman or man, do not cry anymore, contact this powerful spell caster now.

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    ReplyDelete
  10. My boyfriend broke up with me exactly three weeks ago. We had dated very seriously for almost 8 months. We had even discussed marriage and our lives together in the future. I'm feeling confident in myself and happy but I still miss him and want him back. I'm worried that if I wait too long, he will move on to someone else. I've been doing a lot of things to change my life including working out, working on selling my car, changing my career, not playing video games, etc. he broke up with me and removed me from ALL social media platforms, so I know she is trying to move on. I guess my biggest mistake of letting him go away i really love him and i will by any chance do any thing to get him back coz he mean the whole world to me. so one day going through the internet i came across a wonderful testimony comment on how to get ex back, win a lotto game, how to get pregnant and so on i was so excited coz i have be waiting so long to have my boyfriend back so i email this man, not just a man but a real spell caster who i explain all my problem and situation to, and he gave me his full reassurance that my boyfriend will be back just 48 hours after his spell i never believe him coz i have fall so many victim of fake spell caster who took all my money so i said to me self if you love some one and there and desperate to have him or her back, them you will be ready to face any challenges that comes your way, to short my story as he promise me, my boyfriend who never take my calls or reply my message call me up, apology, and beg for all he done to me and also pleased for me to accept him back and i was so very much happy to have my boyfriend back and now we are planing on how to get married soon thank to you Dr happy you made my year and my dream life come through if you need help plz contact Dr happy on http://happyspelltemple.webs.com/ for more details email.....happylovespell2@gmail.com or add him on whats-app +2348133873774

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  12. After being in relationship with him for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster lord Adamu that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the lord Adamu and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days my ex will come back begging. I thanked him in earnest hoping he will come back to me because I miss him so much.To my very surprise on the 3rd day he came back begging and asking me to accept him back and he will never leave me again. All this would never had been possible but for lord Adamu I will always and forever recommend you to the world lord Adamu This is his contact below: lordadamuspelltemple@yahoo.com

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    Hello everyone in this forum, I am Luis Root from USA, I cannot believe that God really exist not until i was Redeemed and saved from Financial bondage.. l was into financial crisis and needed to pay some bills. l tried seeking help from banks but all to no avail,l also tried seeking help from the internet only to meet scammers who pretended to be private lender and made away with my $15000 and did not get my loan, not until GOD introduce me to Moore Robbinson through a friend who was rescued from financial problem and a loan of $100,000.00 was granted to him by Moore Robbinson, so l took his advise and contacted Moore Loan Company and in the space of one week my loan of $200000 was granted to me.so my advise to everyone seeking for loan at low interest rate of 2% .l am doing this because l am so happy am out of financial bondage and am once again full of joy and life is easy all thanks to GOD and Moore Robbinson. You can contact Moore Loan Company via {mooreloancompany@yahoo.com} OR Text (414) 454-9493

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  15. I Never Believed in Chester Brian Loan Company Until now.....(Brianloancompany@yahoo.com)
    Hello All, I was really so downcast after losing so much and facing financial difficulties, no one to help me and all i could do was to just seat and watch my business going down and almost losing my son to an illness. But never the less i meet an old college mate who told me about the loan he got from Chester Brian Loan Company and until now the company have assisted so many of his friends seeking a loan. So i told him that getting a loan any more is not my style because of the disappointment from my bank and other loan company i trusted but he insisted i apply for it and now i can now boost of restoring my company back to its full glory. i will keep on testifying on behalf of Chester Brain Loan because they have made me to be a man again. So if interested in acquiring a loan of any kind email them today via: {Brianloancompany@yahoo.com } OR text (803) 373-2162 .Am Harvey Lee from United States

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  16. MOORE LOANS SAVE ME WHEN THERE WAS NO HOPE {mooreloancompany@yahoo.com}

    Hello everyone in this forum, I am Luis Root from USA, I cannot believe that God really exist not until i was Redeemed and saved from Financial bondage.. l was into financial crisis and needed to pay some bills. l tried seeking help from banks but all to no avail,l also tried seeking help from the internet only to meet scammers who pretended to be private lender and made away with my $15000 and did not get my loan, not until GOD introduce me to Moore Robbinson through a friend who was rescued from financial problem and a loan of $100,000.00 was granted to him by Moore Robbinson, so l took his advise and contacted Moore Loan Company and in the space of one week my loan of $200000 was granted to me.so my advise to everyone seeking for loan at low interest rate of 2% .l am doing this because l am so happy am out of financial bondage and am once again full of joy and life is easy all thanks to GOD and Moore Robbinson. You can contact Moore Loan Company via {mooreloancompany@yahoo.com} OR Text (414) 454-9493

    ReplyDelete
  17. I Never Believed in Chester Brian Loan Company Until now.....(Brianloancompany@yahoo.com)

    Hello All, I was really so downcast after losing so much and facing financial difficulties, no one to help me and all i could do was to just seat and watch my business going down and almost losing my son to an illness. But never the less i meet an old college mate who told me about the loan he got from Chester Brian Loan Company and until now the company have assisted so many of his friends seeking a loan. So i told him that getting a loan any more is not my style because of the disappointment from my bank and other loan company i trusted but he insisted i apply for it and now i can now boost of restoring my company back to its full glory. i will keep on testifying on behalf of Chester Brain Loan because they have made me to be a man again. So if interested in acquiring a loan of any kind email them today via: {Brianloancompany@yahoo.com } OR text (803) 373-2162 .Am Harvey Lee from United States of America.

    ReplyDelete
  18. WHENEVER YOU OR YOUR LOVED ONES NEED A LOAN UPSTART LOAN IS THE BEST, TESTED AND TRUSTED. BEWARE OF RIPPERS ONLINE.( Email: upstartloan@yahoo.com or text/call +1(574) 301-1639 )..;'

    ReplyDelete
  19. MOORE LOANS SAVE ME WHEN THERE WAS NO HOPE {mooreloancompany@yahoo.com}

    Hello everyone in this forum, I am Luis Root from USA, I cannot believe that God really exist not until i was Redeemed and saved from Financial bondage.. l was into financial crisis and needed to pay some bills. l tried seeking help from banks but all to no avail,l also tried seeking help from the internet only to meet scammers who pretended to be private lender and made away with my $15000 and did not get my loan, not until GOD introduce me to Moore Robbinson through a friend who was rescued from financial problem and a loan of $100,000.00 was granted to him by Moore Robbinson, so l took his advise and contacted Moore Loan Company and in the space of one week my loan of $200000 was granted to me.so my advise to everyone seeking for loan at low interest rate of 2% .l am doing this because l am so happy am out of financial bondage and am once again full of joy and life is easy all thanks to GOD and Moore Robbinson. You can contact Moore Loan Company via {mooreloancompany@yahoo.com} OR Text (414) 454-9493

    ReplyDelete
  20. Divine Loan Opportunity Offered By CHESTER BRIAN LOANS That Save My Family From Financial Bondage {Brianloancompany@yahoo.com }

    Hello Everyone, I am Rosie Rhoma a single mom from Texas USA, I will like to share this great testimony on how i got a loan from Chester Brian Loans, when we were driven out of our home when i couldn't pay my bills anymore, After been scammed by various companies online and denied a loan from my bank and some other credit union i visited. my children were taken by the foster care, i was all alone in the street. Until a day i shamefully walked into an old school mate who introduced me to Daisy Maureen. At first i told her that i am not ready to take any risk of requesting a loan online anymore, but she assured me that i will received my loan from them. On a second thought, due to my homelessness i had to take a trial and applied for the loan, luckily for me i received a loan of $80,000.00 from Chester Brian Loans. Am happy i took the risk and applied for the loan. my kids have been given back to me and now i own a home and a business of my own. All thanks and gratitude goes to CHESTER BRIAN LOAN COMPANY for giving a meaning to life when i had lost all hope. If you currently seeking for a loan assistance, you can contact them via: {Brianloancompany@yahoo.com } OR text (803) 373-2162

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