Pride and Prejudice: Teaching Your Kids to Embrace Other Races and Cultures

The mission of the Upbeat Dad organization is to spread the message that children need actively-involved fathers in order to be their best. As we share our message, at times, in my view, we need to address some subject matters that may be somewhat sensitive in nature, but still, they convey the essence of our message. The topic of race and culture is one such subject matter.

We started this organization just over 9 months ago and what a journey it's been thus far. We have become established on a global level at a much more rapid pace than originally anticipated. As we share our message, people from every continent – from varying backgrounds – come to our blog for tips and guidance on matters concerning fatherhood. This proves one of the tenets of our organization: the institution of fatherhood transcends all ethnic, socio-economic, religious and other barriers. It’s universal and ought to be recognized as such.

As I write each blog post, I literally picture the entire planet and its citizens. That’s the audience – no one single group. So whether you’re reading this in the North or South America or Australia or Asia or Africa or Europe, there’s something that should make a connection with you. That’s our vision – and that’s how I believe it should be.

Now then, the subject of race and culture can be one of the more divisive and sensitive areas to address. At the same time, it’s one from which our kids can learn invaluable lessons to help them live productive lives. As I thought of writing this post, I pondered what might be the best title. How can we teach our kids to be proud of who they are, yet encourage them to be open to embrace people who don’t look or speak like them. 

The book Pride and Prejudice came to mind. To be honest, I haven’t read that book since over 20 years ago in high school and don’t remember much of what it’s about. But I like the title. There’s a very thin line between being proud of who you are and being prejudiced against others. So Pride and Prejudice it is.

How do people become racist and biased against others? Why do some believe that simply being born into a particular ethnic group automatically determines ones potential for success? We might not like the answer but I strongly believe that the origins of these views are in our homes.

One of my strongest beliefs is that no child leaves the womb with any level of prejudice towards anyone. Babies are born innocent and come into a world with all kinds of divisions – ethnic, religious, political, economic and the list goes on. But babies are as innocent as they could be.

As these babies become toddlers and then pass through the different phases of development, they learn about the world that they live in. It’s a scientific fact that 90% of brain development occurs during the first three years of life. 

And psychologists can attest to the fact that by the time kids are 5 or 6 years old, even before they start the first grade, their personalities have been so formed that they do not change for the remainder of their lives. Certainly there may be differences in the outward manifestation of these personalities but the essence of who they are does not change. This is referred to in the world of psychology as the life script.

My point in sharing this is that as parents, we hold the key to how our kids grow and develop. You may have heard the expression, “Children live what they learn.” That’s a simple but quite profound thought. We may not realize it but children are like sponges. They absorb all that’s around them in their environment. 


As parents, if we make casually make blanket statements like, “All  (fill in the ethnic group)   are  (fill in the characteristic),” then our kids take these statements to be factual. This is called taping in psychological circles – generalizations that have no room for debate. So if we speak in a negative way about other ethnic groups, our kids begin, from a very early stage, to become biased against them.

What about those who we associate with? Chances are, we associate with those with whom we have the most in common. And nothing is wrong with that. That’s just fine actually – it’s human nature. Our children become friends with the children of our closest associates and that too is fine.

But what can happen is that they can develop prejudices by simply being exposed to the biases of others who aren’t even in our households. And then when they enter school, they become subject to the mindset of all those that they are around. We could do the right thing at home yet when our kids go outside of the home, they are influenced in a negative way by others.

So what do we do? Do we just wrap our kids in a bubble and keep them from associating with others who might have these biases? That’s not realistic, is it? Here’s an approach: be proactive in addressing these topics to children from the earliest stages of their lives. Teach them to love and honor themselves because they are truly wonderful and special. At the same time, teach them to love, honor and respect others – whether they look like them or not.

The fact of the matter is that no matter how much we might try to shield our kids from the negative things in this world, sooner or later they become exposed to them. It’s somewhat similar to having the “say no to drugs” talk with them. If we remain passive and say nothing about the subject, then we might not like the circumstances that can develop as a result of this approach.

Ours is a wonderful world. Throughout history, men and women of every race have contributed greatly to the advancement of the human race. That’s something that ought to be celebrated. The great Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said, “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.” How profound! It’s really the content of our character that matters in the long run.

If you have not already done so, do consider having an open discussion with your kids about the matter of race and culture. Regardless of where you may live in the world, it’s a lesson that can have a long-lasting, positive impact on them. 

With television, the internet, social media and so many other technological advancements, ours is truly a small world afterall. By helping our kids to embrace others, we will not only help them to become well-adjusted children, but we will also begin to prepare them for becoming effective, responsible citizens who lead their nations into the future.

Let us endeavor, as parents, to empower our kids with lessons such as this. They should be proud of who they are without developing biases against others. Planting such seeds in their minds will yield fruits that will lead and guide them for the rest of their lives. They’ll become the beneficiaries of this great and profound life lesson. And that thought ought to be celebrated.

Enjoy your day.

The Upbeat Dad

   

What Women Should Know When Dating Single and Divorced Dads

I recently received an email from a female reader seeking my input on a situation that she's dealing with. She's a single woman without kids who's dating a divorced dad with a daughter. She has some real concerns about how the relationship is going and wanted to hear from my perspective the true dynamics of what she's experiencing. 

Let me first say that I'm not a relationship expert. I'm not a psychologist or therapist. I’m nothing more than a dad who has walked an interesting path on my way to raising two wonderful kids. I’ve had some real life experiences regarding this topic and I've learned somehow to navigate my way through the circumstances. Now I have the privilege of sharing a bit of what I’ve learned on this blog.

As you may know, I'm a happily married father. You might also know that my first marriage didn't quite work out as I'd hoped. That relationship produced a daughter who was 3 at the time that the divorce took place. I got remarried 2 1/2 years ago and we now have a son who just turned 11 months old this week. You can read The Story of My Blended Family by The Upbeat Dad to learn how it all came together. 

 

Today we have a blended family of four. Not long ago, I had a household of 2 - just my daughter and me. I was a single, self-employed, full-time dad with a growing, impressionable daughter. I desired to be in a relationship that could lead to marriage but I was in no rush to do so because I knew the devastation that can occur when marriages don't quite work out. I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than to get married and end up going through another divorce. It was that painful of an experience. 

My divorce ended 9 years ago and as I mentioned, I got married just over 2 years ago. So for 7 years I was a single dad. Throughout that time I dated a bit and I learned a thing or two about the unique issues that one encounters dating as a single dad. I wrote Dating 101 For The Divorced Dad to share my thoughts on the "do's and don'ts" of this process. 


Now that I've given that background on the journey I've taken, let me share with you a bit of what I conveyed in my response to the woman who emailed me. This applies more to those who date loving, responsible fathers. By this I mean that it does not apply to those who date men who have children and essentially disregard them as they enter new relationships. These are not the type of dads I'm talking about here. I'm referring to dads who make their kids a priority and try their best to balance being dads while building new relationships.

Here are some thoughts and tips that can help women build successful relationships with these men:

     1.     Avoid the rebound: Men who are just coming out of a relationship – whether by divorce or other means – are generally not emotionally ready to begin healthy, new relationships. It may be simpler to befriend one going through such a transition, giving him time to heal, and later on developing a relationship. More often than not, the more intense a relationship is with a newly divorced man, the less likely it is to succeed.

      When you add the father factor to this scenario it gets more complicated because, in a sense, he could be trying to replace his ex and having a pseudo-family. All this can be harmful in the long run because until he’s healed and whole, the comparison to his former relationship will remain for quite a while. When he’s moved on from that relationship, he can better assess the quality of a new one.

      2.     Take time to know him: Men are typically not the type to open up and share their wounds and scars. So it’s important to take things slow and get to know the man behind the mask. Don’t be in too much of a rush to meet his kids – get to know him first. Even if he wants to get the kids involved in your life, try to delay this process.

      Remember that the man isn’t the only one affected by the divorce – the kids are too. When someone new comes into the picture, they can easily resent that person because they view her as a replacement for their mom in their dad’s life. Get to know him for who he is. The other stuff comes in time.

     3.     Give him time to balance being a dad and a date: For many men, the experience of dating while being dads is very new. They’ve gone from simply focusing on their household and careers to now also focusing on a new relationship. I know that for me, it wasn’t easy. Being a full-time dad was my responsibility.

   

      When I dated, that was the exception – not the rule. I had to learn to make someone feel special while having my primary focus on my daughter. I couldn’t allow her to feel as if a new love in my life means she’s now on the backburner, as the expression goes.

      4.     Avoid the extremes when meeting the kids: When a dad has been convinced that a new love is a “keeper”, inevitably he will introduce her to his kids. There are two extremes that one should avoid. These are: trying too much to impress them; and becoming their competitors.

      Most women who date a dad would like to know that their kids like them. Some go to great lengths to sway the kids towards them. So they buy them gifts, take them shopping and really stretch the limits trying to impress them. In their view, by doing this, they’ll win the kids over and consequently, make it easier for a family to be formed.

This approach can be harmful in the long run. First, kids are smarter than we think. They’re not easily swayed. Their affection is not easily won – and it certainly cannot be bought. They might readily accept the gifts but might not so readily accept the new person.

The other extreme is becoming the kids’ competitors. Some women feel as if the man has a choice – either the kids or them. So instead of being open and warm, they become withdrawn and cold as they meet the kids. Some might feel that they’ve already won his heart so there’s no need to impress the kids.

This can be more harmful than I could describe here. His kids are his own. His blood literally runs through their veins. They are not to be competed with; instead, they should be embraced and honored for who they are. Any other approach generally leads to an unfavorable outcome.
A colleague of mine, Christina McGhee introduced me to the term, bonus kids, instead of step kids. How cool is that? You’ve got the man of your dreams and his kids are a bonus. This approach in more likely to make a favorable impression than the divisive competitor approach.

5.     Be true to yourself: This final point, in my view, is the most important of them all. Be true to who you are. You are not and could not ever be like his ex – no matter what her qualities may have been. Particularly when a man isn’t fully healed from his former relationship, he often seeks the good qualities in his ex in a new person.

      Just be who you are and if the relationship works, that’s great. If it doesn’t, at least you didn’t lose yourself in the process. When it comes to meeting the kids, again, be who you are. You’re not their biological mother – you can never be. But you can win their love, respect and admiration by genuinely caring for them and making them feel special. I believe it was Shakespeare who wrote, “To thine own self be true.” That statement is the strongest point I could make in this post.

      I hope that these tips have been helpful. Dating a divorced or a single dad isn’t such a simple process. But with tips such as those I’ve shared here, as well as many more, you can navigate your way to building a successful relationship. My wife was simply remarkable in the way she handled our dating experience. I could have even asked her to write this post from her perspective because she did a masterful job at just being true to herself, while becoming a part of my life. She and my daughter have developed such a close bond that, unless you knew otherwise, you’d think that they were biological mother and child. That’s been a joy to behold.

      In my view, kids are a joy and a treasure. Marriages come and go but kids are for keeps. When we as adults get into new relationships, if we take the proper approach to consider them first, then things generally work out fine. If you’re a woman who is dating or is considering dating a single or divorced dad, I wish you the very best. Just be yourself and if the relationship works out, that’s great. If it doesn’t, life goes on. In time, good things come to those who wait. It took 5 years after my divorce for me to meet my wife and 2 years later we got married. It’s come together just fine and it’s really as a result of the tips I shared here.

      As always, I welcome your feedback in the Comments section here on the blog. Do share this post with those who you feel would benefit. Life is much better when we share positive messages with each other. That’s what it’s all about.

      Do enjoy your day.

The Upbeat Dad

  

Happy July 4th: Freedom Is The Cry of Every Man!

Today in the United States of America we celebrate 235 years of independence. Our nation was founded on the creed that all men are created equal and that each person is entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

On this day, at the Upbeat Dad, we pause to celebrate this milestone and also to reflect on the sacrifices that so many men and women have made to preserve the freedom that we enjoy. Country singer Toby Keith sings, "Freedom (doesn't) come free." There's certainly a price that many have paid to protect this land. And some have paid the ultimate price by laying down their lives on the battlefield.

As I think of the purpose of our organization and this day that we celebrate, I can't help but think of the many military families that are impacted as this nation writes its story. Ours is not a perfect nation but still, I believe that the principles on which it was founded are noble. And many military families are directly affected as the nation seeks to live up to its ideals.


In so many cases, soldiers are deployed to the battlefield and in the process, they leave behind loved ones who do not know whether or not they will see them again. Many go to war and never return home. Some do return but remain traumatized by the reality of life on battlefield.


Just yesterday evening I was watching NBC Nightly News and there was a feature on a group of young military widows who lost their husbands in battle in Afghanistan and Iraq. They formed a support group to do activities together and to share their stories as they try to heal from the scars of their mutual tragedies. Their children will never have their dads to guide them through the different phases of life. Indeed, some families have suffered greatly in the name of freedom.

We celebrate the birth of this great land today and we do so with knowledge that we owe a debt of gratitude to those who have made great sacrifices on our behalf. The words of Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. still echo today, "Let freedom ring!" Indeed, it rings and we honor those who have given of themselves to ensure our liberty.

I'll conclude this post with my poem Freedom is the Cry of Every Man. As you read it, whether or not you reside in the United States, I hope that you would willingly embrace the truth that each person deserves the right to be free.

Freedom is The Cry of Every Man

Freedom is the cry of every man—

a foundation on which to stand.

Freedom to think, to imagine, to be;

freedom brings dreams to reality.

How can the bird fly unless it’s free?

Or dreams take flight without eyes to see?

The eyes of the wise are the ones we should cherish,

for when there's no vision, we surely will perish.

A free mind can make a pauper a king

when it discovers the potential deep within.

It marches to the sound of its own unique beat,

and helps make the life of a dreamer complete.

All men should have the liberty

to live their dreams – whatever they may be.

For every man deserves the right

to soar like an eagle to higher heights.

I hope you are able to connect with your friends and loved ones on this day. And if you know any family that has sacrificed in any way to help to build and protect this great land that we love, do express your gratitude for the price that they have paid.

May this be a special day for you and yours.

The Upbeat Dad

   

What Will They Say of You When It’s Your Time to Go?

Today I attended the funeral service of a lady. She lived a full and remarkable life and touched many lives along the way. Now she’s passed on and only the memories remain. Despite the occasion, it was a nice gathering of family and friends as we celebrated her life and legacy.

As I generally do when I attend such a service, I did quite a bit of reflecting on the big picture of life.  That was particularly easy to do today when a poem entitled "The Dash" was read during the service. And it really got me thinking. Here's the meaning of it: on tombstones, they generally write the date of birth, then a dash, then the date of death. 

The essence of the poem was that everyone is born and everyone dies but it's how we spend our "dash" that determines the quality of life that we live and how we will be remembered. The lives that we touch along our journey will forever be impacted by how we spend our “dash."

As I pondered the thoughts generated by the poem, I started thinking about just how when people pass on, all the best things are said about them. It seems that as people pay tribute to them at their funerals, they speak of them as if they were the most angelic beings to have ever lived. It's just common practice to speak of those who die that way. 


This brings to mind a story my dad told me several years ago. A man in our old community in Jamaica died. At his funeral, as the wonderful tributes were shared at the service, his wife and kids sat in the front row listening to the words of comfort. 

After one of the tributes, the widow asked one of the kids to go and look in the casket to see whose body was in it because she didn't know the man they were talking about. She certainly couldn't relate to the "angel" that others portrayed him to be.

That's a funny story but it also makes a powerful point that I think we can all benefit from. As dads, whether we should pass on as old men or as young men, it's our families - our wives and kids - who know us best. So although others may have a certain perception of us, it's those who live with us and see the quality of our lives who can truly attest to the persons we really are.

As you may know, the Upbeat Dad organization was founded on the principle that kids need actively-involved, loving fathers to become their best. The role of fatherhood is such a noble and influential calling. It's a precious gift that some of us are fortunate to have. 


Having the opportunity to shape, mold and influence the lives of those who will lead the next generation is a privilege that ought not be taken for granted. And it's an opportunity that's loaded with rewards for us and for our kids.  

On this blog I write about fatherhood from multiple perspectives. I share my own journey about being a married dad of one child, then a divorced/single dad and now a married dad of two children. Because of the power of the internet, I'm able to share thoughts with people all over the world and truly make a connection with them. That’s as wonderful an experience as I could hope for – touching the lives of many whom I’ll likely never meet.

But can I tell you something? All that I do regarding my public persona would be totally meaningless and futile if my wife and kids cannot attest to the life that I live at home. Because when the computers shut down and the lights go out, it's those who remain in my life perpetually who can tell who I really am. 

So if I am a loving, caring husband and father and make my wife and kids my top priority in all things, then I’ll know that anything else that might come along is only a bonus. My home is my first responsibility; then comes everything else.

I have no plans to leave this earth any time soon. I have too much life to live and too much more to give. I also want to continue building a successful marriage and enjoying every moment with my wife. And guiding my kids into becoming the best that they can be is a passion of mine. But I also know that tomorrow is promised to no one.


A cliché that is often used says, "Live each day as if it was your last." I want to know that whenever my last day should come - whether I'm young or old - regardless of what others may say of me, my wife and kids would honestly say that I lovingly cared for them with every fiber of my being. 

My challenge with this post is to encourage you to put first things first. It's great to live the lifestyles of the rich and famous. It's wonderful to climb the corporate ladder and achieve success in our careers. But in such a pursuit, let's not forget that our families come first. 

How tragic it would be if we achieve our life goals and become known around the world as a result of our accomplishments, yet we lose our special connection to our families in the process? How disheartening would that be? I’d call that becoming a successful failure.

I'll close this post with my poem A Lasting Legacy from my book Poems of Inspiration: A Daily Dose of Self-Motivation:

A Lasting Legacy

May I seek to serve my fellow man,

and give of myself and do all that I can.

May I love and give a helping hand—

that's the foundation on which I stand.

For what is my life if not to live?

And what is my purpose if not to give?

When my life has ended I cannot relive

the moments I now have to love and forgive.

Each day as I awaken and watch the sunrise

and offer my life as a sacrifice,

may I teach all I know, and give good advice—

displaying integrity with no compromise.

Whenever I come to the end of my days

and I go to my final resting place—

when the sun goes down and I finish this race,

may I leave this world a better place.

This is my vow to humanity—

a vow that will last all eternity.

For my children and all who will come after me,

may I leave a lasting legacy.

I hope that whenever your last day should come, despite the great accolades that you may receive from others, those who know you best – those in your household – would speak of your goodness with true sincerity.  That's what really matters when all is said and done.

Let these thoughts lead and guide you as you live your life each day.

The Upbeat Dad

Establishing a Bond Between Dads and Kids

Today was just one of those long days that we have every now and then. This morning I had an early meeting so I had to leave home about 6:30 AM. And I didn’t get home until 10 PM. When I left home, my 10 month old son was sleeping and certainly at the hour that I returned home, he was sleeping as well.

So I missed my daily highlight. What’s that, you ask? Well, each day, as I get home and unlock the door and step into the house, with the sounds that opening the door makes, my son is alerted to the fact that I’m home. So by the time I walk into the room, the big smile is already as wide as you might imagine. At that point, he’s usually in my wife’s arms. Then he begins giggling and wrestling his way to try to get to me. When he gets down, it’s a full sprint to me – well, as much “sprint” as you can get by creeping. These moments are what life is all about. It’s more precious than I could describe in a blog post. It’s just something that I live for.

I recall when my 12 year old daughter was at that stage. It was an absolute delight to come home every  day to her “upbeat” greeting. Then when she went to daycare, it was the same thing. Later on when she was able to walk and talk, just hearing her say, “Daddy” and running to leap into my arms was just something to live for.

The bond between a mother and child is so natural. First, it’s the mother who carries the child for 9 months. Then at birth, it’s generally the mother who nurtures and brings that baby along. And particularly when the mother breastfeeds the child, that bond is strengthened. It’s just natural for a mother and child to bond.

The bond between a father and child is different. It’s also natural but it’s something that generally requires a bit more effort. The father has to be a constant presence in the life of that child and needs to be really engaged for that bond to be formed. He has to know the child’s personality and do the necessary things to establish the lifetime connection.

My wife is an absolutely wonderful mother. She nurtures our son, reads to him and teaches him as much as a 10 month old can learn. She does all those special things that make him feel special. She spends so much more time with him than I do. For me, if I am not a proactive parent, I could easily become a bystander to his growth and development. But I’m committed to being a father who is always engaged in my kids lives – regardless of how busy I may become.

Within the Upbeat Dad organization, one initiative that we’re currently working on is empowering fathers who might be considered deadbeat dads to become actively involved in the lives of their children – upbeat dads, if you will. In the coming months, you’ll hear a lot more about what we’re now doing “behind the scenes.”

As I’ve been working on this project, it came to mind that my son is now at the stage where he recognizes people and chooses whether or not he wants to go into their arms. I wonder how many babies would refuse to go into their dads’ arms because to them, he’s a total stranger. How many fathers are missing their kids grow up because they’re climbing the corporate ladder and conquering the world? Read Cats in the Cradle: A Lesson for Working Parents for more on this. I also wonder how many kids grow up knowing more what others say about their dad than knowing their dads for themselves.

These are questions that ought to make us think. In the United States alone, 24 million kids live a home without their biological father. Many of these kids do not know and will never know who their dad is. Other kids do know their dads but to them, he’s just another person who they know – there’s no kind of bonding that was ever formed.

And what about the absentee fathers living at home? I wrote a blog post about this issue – Click Here to read it. These dads may be physically present but they get up early and work late. They may be at home but are otherwise engaged that they miss their kids growing up. Or perhaps they travel for work and are home on the weekends but prefer to hang out with their friends instead of bonding with their kids. 

Studies show that when kids do not have actively engaged fathers, they are at a competitive disadvantage. I share statistics periodically on this blog that support this statement in every way. And as our organization is working on its initiatives, I’m learning more and more that kids without fathers have a challenging road to travel.

Bonding with kids doesn’t have to be something complex. It doesn’t have to be costly. I often say that kids know you love them by the time you spend with them. You can sit at home and literally do nothing other than spending time with them and entering into their world. Certainly you can take them out to do fun activities. Go to Disney World, if you will. The possibilities are endless. But however complex or simple the activities may be, spending meaningful time forming that bond is what it’s all about.  

This year my parents celebrated their 47^th wedding anniversary. I am so fortunate and blessed that they both have been actively involved and engaged in my life as well as my siblings. I learned how to be a father by watching my dad and seeing how he lovingly cared for us while instilling in us discipline. So as I became a father 12 years ago, it was natural for me to bond with my daughter. Now with a young son, nothing has changed. Being a father is a privilege that I’ll never take for granted.

In When Good Fathers Go Bad, I wrote about dads who effectively divorce their kids when their marriages end. More kids need fathers who are committed to their well-being regardless of the challenges that arise. When I divorced almost 10 years ago, despite the challenges that I encountered throughout the legal ending of that union, in my view, nothing changed in terms of being a dad. And now that I’m happily remarried with a young son, I just continue to be the father that I have always been. Fatherhood is perpetual because whether or not the relationships that produce kids work out, the role of being a father never ends.

If you’re a dad, I hope that you do the little things along the way to let your kids know they’re the apple of your eye, as the expression goes. Climbing the corporate ladder is great. But being a dad and influencing your kids’ lives in a positive way is even greater. As you provide for them, do ensure that you become the kind of dad who has an unbreakable bond with his kids. That’s something worth living for.

Enjoy your day.

The Upbeat Dad