How I Could Have Become a Deadbeat Dad

“What a total deadbeat!”

Those words were said of me by my former wife’s attorney during a court hearing almost 10 years ago as I was going through my divorce. But why did he say that?

Well, in the midst of the most turbulent chapter of my life, I was sinking deep and quickly. I didn’t plan for the nightmare that I was experiencing – the divorce and all the emotional and financial turmoil that comes with a very ugly court case. Sleepless nights after being served with divorce papers, attorney fees, custody evaluations and everything else that came with the unpleasant process had me perpetually behind the 8-ball, as the expression goes.

Her attorney just felt that I should have just been content to pay child support and maintain all the bills of the former marital home while seeing my daughter every other weekend for visits. When I wasn’t complying with his ideal, that’s when the dreaded “d” word was said of me: deadbeat! In a sense, he was implying that I should just focus on the financial aspect of the case and forget about maintaining a strong presence in my daughter’s life.

I had long been familiar with the term deadbeat dad. My image had always been of a rough guy who's impregnated a woman and disappeared - then years later he’s found and is dragged kicking and screaming into court to pay child support. Then when he doesn't pay, he's jailed for being a deadbeat who doesn't support his child. That's the image I've always had. Perhaps that’s the image you have. Well, let me share with you how I could easily have become one.

Here I was - a professional, a Certified Public Accountant. I got married and 2 years later our daughter was born. I never missed a doctor’s appointment while she was in the womb. I was fully engaged in everything concerning her - at home, at her daycare and so on. She was Daddy’s little girl – my world and the sunshine of my life.

Then came the demise of the marriage. It just didn't work out, much to my dismay. The thought of divorce and seeing my daughter going from house to house spending time with each parent just wasn't something I envisioned. I grew up with two happily married parents. In my view, divorce was something others did - but not me. "Till death do us part" was my vow. The challenges and obstacles could always be worked out, in my view.

Yet divorce hit our home. And it hit it hard. The emotional part was just awful. I couldn’t eat. I lost 30 lbs in the first month of this new chapter of my life. The only time I was at peace was when I slept. Every waking moment was like torture. 

The pain I felt wasn't just for me. I was an adult - I knew what was happening. But my daughter was a little three year old child. She was confused by all that was going on. She cried. She blamed herself for the fact that Daddy wasn't living at home anymore. The first time I saw her after the separation she said, "Daddy, I'm sorry I yelled at you - can you come home now?" That really broke my heart. It was like something out of a movie. But it was very real. 

The family law system was so one-sided that it was hard to believe. My attorney was great. She really was. It wasn't her fault. It's just that the system itself was broken and I just had to grit my teeth and bear it. She and I have kept in touch over the years and we have a very good friendship to this day. The thing that concerned me most about my experience was that people who have never met my daughter were making these life-altering decisions that impacted her life in a significant way. And despite my best efforts, I could do very little about it.

The financial aspect of all this was like nothing I encountered before. I couldn’t afford to live anywhere – literally. If not for my sister and her family, I'm not sure what I would have done. They housed me for 18 months - throughout the divorce and the immediate aftermath.

In addition, the legal fees and other divorce-related costs were sky high. My other bills were still there - with less money to pay them. And the concept of paying child support was new to me. In the past, our daughter was just a part of the household so by default she was supported. Whatever she needed was provided – from diapers and formula as a baby to costs like clothes and daycare fees as a three year old. Now I had to come up with a child support check. That was a very new concept. And considering that the check was almost as much as the mortgage of the marital home, it's little wonder I had no money to even consider renting an apartment.

With the financial woes, I seriously contemplated filing bankruptcy – it was that bad. I was working as an auditor with a large corporation but with my expenses tripled and my discretionary spending money so much lower, I just couldn't manage. Loans and gifts from family members and friends were the only thing that helped me to stay afloat.

Do you notice that when you hear advertisements by companies that help people with bad credit issues, they include divorce along with things such as foreclosures, repossessions and late payments? I was experiencing the reality of why this was the case. Divorce can destroy your life - emotionally and financially. If you really believe in the institution of marriage, it’s just not something you plan and budget for. But somehow divorce happened and I just really had to pick up the pieces.

Through all the turmoil, I made it. Yes, I made it. Now that whole chapter is a distant memory. The marriage ended. The house is gone. The attorneys have been paid. The only remaining connection to that relationship is the most important one - our daughter. She doesn't know - and likely never will know - just how much was endured on her behalf.

I learned firsthand why so many dads walk away from the family law system discouraged. I know men personally who got so tired of the one-sided nature of the court process and how it can negatively impact them that they just opted to leave the country with no intent to ever return. They cut off support to the kids and all communication with them. In other words, they allowed the judicial process to get the better of them and make them become deadbeat dads.


Believe me when I tell you that not every father who is a deadbeat has always had that mindset. I don’t like the fact that many of them adopt the philosophy of becoming uninvolved in the lives of their children. They refuse to support them financially and otherwise as a means of getting back at their exes and the judicial system. I don’t agree with their approach but I can totally relate to the circumstances that lead them in that direction.  I have said on many occasions that I think the court helps to create deadbeat dads. The obstacles to maintaining one’s rights as a father are so great that some can't be bothered to try to endure it.

If you're a dad dealing with family law issues, my encouragement to you is to keep focused on your kids. Focusing elsewhere - on the house, cars, investments, etc - might give you temporary relief but in the end, it's your kids that really matter. I lost everything from that marriage - home, savings, 401K and more. But still I won the heart of my daughter and she’s so much better for it – and I’m so much better as well. 

Today, we’re as close as we have always been. She's a happy, well-adjusted 12 year old who lives with my wonderful new wife and me. And now she has a little 10 month old brother who she just adores. We’ve got a happy blended family of four and things are just fine. You can read about how it all came together in The Story of My Blended Family by The Upbeat Dad. Believe me when I tell you that life gets better in time.

I share this post to really become transparent and share my personal experience on this matter. In one of my poems I wrote, “Don’t be fooled by the smile that I wear; because each smile you see has cost me a tear.” It hasn’t been an easy road but for my daughter’s sake, I’d do it all over again. If the family law system is broken, that should never cause a dad to walk away from his kids. That’s not something that one should even contemplate. But many do, and it’s the kids who suffer.

Your kids need you to be Daddy – their provider and protector. No court or any ex should change your mindset towards your innocent little ones. Let’s commit to standing up and doing our best for them. They're worth it in every way.

  

Enjoy your day.

The Upbeat Dad

    

Fathers’ Day Reflections

Fathers’ Day was this weekend and I do hope that each of you had a wonderful time with your families. In the perfect world, families are together with moms and dads happily raising their kids. But in reality, this utopia doesn’t really exist, does it? In today’s world, over 50% of first marriages fail. Many of these marriages produced kids who have to adjust to the breakup of their happy home. Also, many kids are born to single moms with the dads rarely, if at all.

So as I reflect on these issues, I consider myself quite fortunate – blessed, if you will. Nine years ago at this point, I was in the middle of the most difficult period of my life – my divorce. My little 3 year old daughter was caught in the middle of the very unpleasant process. Fathers’ Day that year had special meaning to me – because for the first time, I had a significant challenge to my rights as a father.

My firsthand experience with the family law system really opened my eyes to what so many families face. And as a dad, I learned why so many say that the system is against men. You can learn of my experience through various posts on this blog such as: The Story Behind the Upbeat Dad and The Great Oxymoron: Family Law.

Yet today I can look back and only smile. That which I saw as a nightmare was really my training to become a better dad and to encourage others to do likewise. As difficult as the process was, it wasn’t meant to kill me – but rather, to make me stronger.

A phrase I have coined since then is: That which I thought was the death of me became the key to my victory. I’m happily remarried to a wonderful woman – a true partner for life. My daughter is a happy, well-adjusted 12 year old who lives with us. And we have a little 10 month old son who just brightens our lives. Things aren’t perfect with us but I can honestly say that this is as good as I’ve ever had it.

I share different aspects of my journey and experience on this blog for a particular reason. I strongly believe that if we become transparent – and show our trophies as well as our scars – others will be encouraged as they deal with their own challenges. If I were to present my story only as a happily married father of 2, the impact of my message would be minimized. When I can tell of the stress and the heartache that I’ve experienced through the demise of a marriage, I can reach some who I couldn’t otherwise reach. The highs and the lows of life are really meant for us to share our stories with others. That way we can make a stronger connection and increase our effectiveness.

As I thought about writing this post, the song Lucky Man by the country duo of Montgomery Gentry came to mind. I have learned to really appreciate different forms of music and one that’s just special to me is country. Perhaps it’s because I grew up in the country in Jamaica. Perhaps it’s because the simplicity as well as the complexity of life are echoed in those songs. I share Lucky Man here because I believe that it helps us to appreciate that which we have even more:

Lucky Man

By Montgomery Gentry

(Click Here to see the video on YouTube)

I have days where I hate my job,
This little town and the whole world too
And last Sunday when the Bengals lost
Lord it put me in a bad mood

I have moments when I curse the rain
Then complain when the sun's too hot
I look around at what everyone has
And I forget about all I've got

[chorus]
But I know I'm a lucky man
God's given me a pretty fair hand
Got a house and piece of land
A few dollars in a coffee can
My old truck's still runnin' good
My ticker's tickin' like they say it should
I've got supper in the oven
A good woman's lovin 
And one more day to be my little kids dad
Lord knows I'm a lucky man

Got some friends that would be here fast
I could call 'em any time of day
Got a brother who's got my back
Got a momma who I swear's a saint
Got a brand new rod and reel
Got a full week off this year
Dad had a close call last spring
It's a miracle he's still here

[chorus]

But I know I'm a lucky man
God's given me a pretty fair hand
Got a house and piece of land
A few dollars in a coffee can

My old trucks still runnin' good
My ticker's tickin' like they say it should
I've got supper in the oven
A good woman's lovin'
And even my bad days aint that bad
Yeah I'm a lucky man
I'm a lucky, lucky man

Get the message? However bad things may ever get, we have much to be thankful for.

If you’re a dad, I hope that you had a wonderful Fathers’ Day weekend with your kids. But even if you didn’t, just know that bright days lie ahead if you continue to lovingly care for them as you should. Things just seem to work out fine for those who do. As a dad, you’re a lucky man – you’re alive and you have a chance to impact the world for good as you raise your kids.

Enjoy your day today. And in every way, keep focused on being the best dad you can be. Your kids deserve nothing less.

The Upbeat Dad

Fathers’ Day Special with Award-Winning Documentary Filmmaker Doug Block of HBO's The Kids Grow Up

Doug Block and his daughter Lucy

 At the Upbeat Dad, we’re all about sharing the positive message that fathers everywhere have a special role to play in the lives of their children. So on this Fathers’ Day, let me first say Happy Fathers Day to dads everywhere. Fatherhood is an honor and a privilege and on this day, I applaud all those who’ve accepted the responsibility and are making a meaningful impact on their children’s lives.

I’m thrilled to share the story of a dad who’s so embraced his role, that he has captured a lifetime of memories with his child and is now sharing them with the world. It is with great pleasure that I share the story of award-winning documentary film maker, Doug Block, and his film, The Kids Grow Up, which debuts on Fathers’ Day, June 19, 2011 on HBO2. The film chronicles his journey as the father of an only child – a daughter named Lucy. The story captures the evolution of a young, innocent child on roller skates to a responsible young lady going off to college to chart her own path in life.

Doug is no ordinary film maker. He has won numerous awards including: Emmy, Peabody, Sundance Grand Jury Prize and Independent Spirit. His film, 51 Birch Street, about his parents’ 54 year marriage, was named one of the Ten Best Films of 2006 by the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times and the Ebert & Roeper Show.

Doug's daughter Lucy

I had the privilege of interviewing Doug in preparation for this post. I also had the privilege of screening The Kids Grow Up and I must say the story is quite fascinating. And the more I watched the film, the more apparent it became to me that his experience as a father is not all that out of the ordinary. It’s a story about a loving dad who absolutely adores his child. Still, somehow, these stories do not often make it to the big screen. But he presents their journey together in such a compelling way that it endears the audience to embrace his approach.

Here’s what some critics have had to say about it:

“Remarkable” – A.O. Scott, NEW YORK TIMES (Critics’ Pick)

“Intimate, funny, deeply affecting” - Ann Hornaday, WASHINGTON POST

“Powerful…funny… irresistible” – Andrew O’Hehir, SALON.COM

“One of the best non-fiction films of the year.” - BOX OFFICE MAGAZINE

Having watched it, I tend to agree with these critics. Here are my thoughts:

The Kids Grow Up tells a powerful story. Quite often, parents who feel they were denied something during their childhood tend to overcompensate when they have their own kids to ensure that their kids don’t grow up with the same regrets they had. Such is the case of Doug. He grew up in a loving home with his parents and two sisters. Yet, he never developed the close bond with his dad and that bothered him quite a bit. He decided that when he grew up, if he should have kids of his own, he’d ensure that he’s actively involved in their upbringing in every way possible, including developing a strong bond.

Doug with Lucy and wife Marjorie

He met and married Marjorie, a single mother of a son. Their blended family came together in a relatively smooth way. Still he longed for a biological child of his own. His dream came true in the early 90s when Lucy was born to them. Like many parents of his generation, Doug believed in capturing family memories on video-camera. But he’s no ordinary dad making home movies – he’s a documentary film maker, so his perspective is different from that of many others. For instance, he interviewed her at least once a year to get a sense of who she was and who she was becoming.

Still, for him, it was more about capturing the story of her life than making a film that others around the world would see. When I spoke with him, he said that when she was almost 10 years old, he initially had the idea of making a film about her. But then, it was just a thought. Still, as she got older, he began thinking about her “leaving the nest” for college and then on to her own endeavors. He told me, “As she entered her senior year (of high school), I realized that she would soon be gone. Nothing really prepares you for her leaving.”

It was at this moment that he decided to produce a film about their journey together. He said, “Families are at the core of films made in Hollywood. I wanted to do a film that shows dads in a positive light. I wanted to present a different image of fathers than what you generally see.”

The film begins with a carefree four year-old Lucy talking and playing. Then as the feature progresses, her development is captured through each stage of life – from the grade school age to her traveling to  France to study for a year and then to her going off to school on the West Coast – miles away from her home in New York.

Young Lucy playing

Doug captures an interesting cross-generational family dynamic. His father is shown as an aging man reflecting on his life in its entirety. He raised and cared for his middle-class family, which for many dads is as good as it gets. Yet, as he reflects, he acknowledges that his single biggest regret is that he didn’t develop a closer relationship with his kids. Then there was Doug capturing and cherishing every moment with his child – pouring out his love to her. 

That’s quite a contrast between father and son. Still, as the film progresses, one sees that Doug and his dad have made peace with that issue. And although his father passed away before the release of the film, he did get to view the completed project before it hit the big screen. So, in a sense, his reward is that, by sharing his regret, he is sharing with others the importance of establishing a bond with your kids.

Another interesting dynamic in the film is that Doug’s stepson, Josh, who was a boy when Marjorie and Doug married, grew up and became a loving husband and father – so much so that he and his wife took turns taking a year off after the birth of their child to bond with him. The cross generational dynamic regarding the role of fatherhood makes the film quite intriguing in my view.

The highlight of the film is the range of emotions that Doug, Marjorie and Lucy experience as Lucy prepares to head off to college. At least for a moment, Lucy seems frustrated by the fact that she’s going away to school and her dad appears to be more fixated on making a film about her than being her dad while she’s getting ready to “leave the nest.” She says, “Instead of experiencing me going away to college, you’re just trying to film it.” By the end of the film as the family travels to the West Coast to see Lucy off to her studies, the emotions have subsided and each of them reflect in a positive way, on this transition – from a child living at home to an independent college student away from home.

Lucy on her way to college

When asked about the making of the film, Doug says, “My daughter Lucy has always had a natural camera presence and I couldn’t help but think there was a funny and fascinating documentary to be made about parenting over the long haul from a father’s perspective. Yet, lurking underneath the footage was a more bittersweet story about a baby boomer parent struggling with aging and loss and learning how to let go and a look at three generations of fathers.”

I encourage you to tune in and watch The Kids Grow Up. It debuts on HBO2 on Fathers’ Day, Sunday, June 19, 2011 at 5:15 PM EST. It also airs on the same channel the following dates and times:

-          Wednesday, June 22 at 9:30 PM EST

-          Saturday, June 25 at 6:20 AM EST

-          Thursday, June 30 at 3:30 PM EST

It also goes on sale on July 19. Click Here for more information. Do make the effort to watch it. I think you’ll find it entertaining, while sharing a powerful message. Doug’s advice to others dads is, “Appreciate the time you have with your kids. One minute they’re the size of a peanut, the next minute they’re off to college. And nothing prepares you for letting go.”

On this day when we celebrate the joy of fatherhood, I applaud Doug Block for being an Upbeat Dad – one who recognizes the very influential role that he plays in the life of his child. The film ended with Lucy going off to college. When I interviewed him, she already graduated. I believe that her success in her studies so far away from home, is due, in large part, to the loving environment established at home. Without that compass to guide them, many kids leave for college and don’t graduate because the foundation of love and support were not sufficiently established. So when they stumbled, they didn’t have the proper foundation to land on their feet.

Isn’t this what parenthood is all about – lovingly preparing the next generation to make a positive contribution to the world? On this Fathers’ Day, let the story of Doug Block and his family inspire you. I often say that you display your love for your kids with a 4-letter word : T-I-M-E. He grew up with something missing in the connection between his dad and him. And he endeavored to make every moment count in his relationship with his daughter. He has sown positive seeds of love and support. And because of that, today he’s a proud dad reaping dividends that will last a lifetime. That’s love at work – being passed from one generation to the next.

Theatrical poster of The Kids Grow Up

Enjoy your day. And if you’re a dad, have a wonderful and happy Fathers’ Day!

The Upbeat Dad

Fathers’ Day Giveaway and Guest Blogger: Christina McGhee of Divorce and Children, LLC

This coming Sunday is Fathers’ Day here in the US. Last month we celebrated moms and how special they are. This month, it’s our turn – dads. It takes a special man to not only be a participant in the conception of a child but also in the raising of that child. And this weekend we celebrate all the wonderful fathers who embrace this role of a lifetime.

It’s a privilege for me to introduce a great friend of mine to our readers. When I launched The Upbeat Dad last October, one of the first persons I connected with on Twitter was Christina McGhee of Divorce and Children LLC. Since then, we’ve correspondent quite a bit and I just love her passion for families affected by divorce when kids are involved. This is her life’s work and through her organization she has touched so many lives.

Christina is the author of Parenting Apart: How Separated and Divorced Parents Can Raise Happy and Secure Kids. I’ve read the book and it’s really filled with nuggets to help parents navigate the unchartered waters that are presented when divorce hits home. I wrote a review of the book and highly recommend it to dads and moms who want to raise happy, healthy kids from separate homes.

I’m honored to share this post by Christina on keeping special days such as Fathers’ Day special for kids although their parents live separately. I strongly encourage you to not only read it, but also to pass it on to others who would benefit from it.


I’m excited to say we’re doing a giveaway of the book! Many of our readers and followers are dads who have been impacted by divorce and separation. So I think that this book can be a useful resource to help both dads and moms learn how to effectively raise happy, well-adjusted kids even when their relationships don't quite work out.

Now here’s how it works. Just simply post a Happy Fathers' Day greeting to your dad, your husband, brother or that someone special and we’ll submit your name for a random drawing. If you’re reading this after the special day, then that's fine as well. What matters is your kind thoughts and words and celebrating the wonderful dads in our lives.

Please make your submissions by one on the following:

-          leave a Comment to this post here on the blog

-          send a tweet to @theupbeatdad

-          post a message on our Facebook page

Be sure to leave your name with your submission - just your first name is fine. We’ll close the submission period on Tuesday, June 21. Then on Thursday, June 23, we’ll announce the winner in the Comments section of this post. We'll also announced it by Twitter and on our Facebook page. If you're the winner, please send your mailing address to: info@theupbeatdad.com. We'll then get the book to you ASAP! 


Do send a greeting in this giveaway because I believe that they encourage each of us to celebrate the special dads in our lives. Remember this is a random drawing - not a competition - so feel free to send a greeting to your loved one as we celebrate Fathers' Day.

Enjoy reading this post by Christina McGhee. And I hope that you and yours have a wonderful Fathers’ Day.

The Upbeat Dad

Little things matter: keeping special days special for kids
by Christina McGhee, author of PARENTING APART: How separated and divorced parents can raise happy and secure kids. 

“It’s not always the big things we do for our children that make the most difference.  Sometimes it’s the subtle things we do over time that reflect integrity in our children’s eyes.”

My husband is an amazing Dad. So when Fathers’ Day rolls around I usually get just as excited as my kids about making the day extra special. The thing I love most about Father’s Day - that indescribable mixture of self-pride and excitement my kids get when they give my husband that special something they either created or picked out. The days before Fathers’ Day are usually just as rewarding.  Our home becomes filled with secret whispers, sneaking around and a multitude of not so subtle hints. All the grandeur of this occasion is typically followed by a tremendous amount of boasting about how their clever plotting and planning left Dad totally clueless (wink, wink).  For them, doing something special for Dad matters a lot.

As Fathers’ Day approaches here in the states, I can’t help but wonder how many children will lose the experience of making their Dad feel special simply because their parents don’t live under one roof anymore. Professionals regularly remind us of the big boxes to tick, “Don’t fight in front of the children,” “Don’t speak badly of your ex” and “Always put your children first.”  Yet, what about those smaller boxes such as special days and family events? What do you do about those?

It’s not hard to understand how those special days can be quite painful for us as parents. For some, they serve as agonizing reminders of old hurts or stir up heartbreaking feelings of loss.  While it’s easy to get caught up in the “I don’t owe my ex anything” mentality, keep in mind you do owe your kids something – the opportunity to love and cherish both of their parents.  Certainly it’s not to say that those feelings aren’t justified or that you’re not completely entitled to feel them.  However, remember it isn’t about your ex; it’s about your children. 

No matter how you slice it, separating your feelings about special days from the needs of your children is important.  When you commit to staying focused on your children, you have the opportunity to:

•          Send a clear message that it’s okay to love both of parents

•          Support the importance of family in your children’s lives

•          Teach them the meaning of doing for others

•          Help them embrace change while maintaining values

Tips for keeping special days special for kids

Plan ahead

Some parents already have arrangements in place regarding how special days will be handled.  If you don’t have something worked out, consider talking to you ex about the situation.  Take out a calendar and make note of where special days fall during the year.  Consider what’s important to your kids and think through what you could do to alleviate possible tension around those dates.

If it’s important to your ex to be with the children on their birthday, then offer to switch days or adjust the schedule.  If Fathers’ Day is on your weekend, suggest making arrangements for the children to spend the day or weekend with Dad. It might also be helpful to think about situations that involve events with extended family such as Aunt Marge’s annual summer barbeque or Grandpa’s family reunion.

Follow your children’s lead

Talk with children ahead of time about what they would like to do for Dad/Mom on their special day. Listen to their ideas about how they would like to honor their parent and follow their lead.  Remember, it’s okay to set appropriate boundaries around what you can and can’t do. 

Be mindful that younger children will need more guidance about how to make the day special.  Although older children are more capable and independent, they will probably need a reminder and your support.  Consider asking what their plans are for that day and if they need any help.  Although it may not seem like much, in the long run, it will mean something to your teen.

Keep gestures appropriate

Make sure you are supporting good choices and keep gestures for the other parent appropriate.  If your children want to buy Dad a shirt, don’t help them pick out the ugliest, cheapest shirt you can find and wrap it with glee.  Likewise don’t go to Macys and help your children pick out something for Mom that’s two sizes too small.  Fantasize about it all you want but for your children’s sake, steer clear of temptation.

If money is an issue, consider lower budget options such as helping children make homemade gifts, framed photos, special cards or baking Mom or Dad’s favorite dish.

If your ex isn’t supportive

Unfortunately no matter how hard you try to do right by your children, you have no control over the choices your ex makes.  If your ex isn’t willing to help the children, you can still offer them the chance to feel good about the day. Plan a trip to the zoo, declare you require an obscene number of hugs for Father’s Day, take kids shopping and let them help you pick something out or cook your favorite meal together. 

If your ex won’t adjust the schedule or there’s significant distance between your two homes and you can’t be with your children on the day, let kids know you will celebrate the next time you are together.

Over the next week, I invite you to think about how special events have been celebrated in the past with your children.  What can you do this year to help special days stay special for your children?

If you have a story to share about how you’ve handled Father’s Day, please leave a comment. We’d be delighted to hear what worked for your family. 

Christina McGhee, is the author of PARENTING APART: How separated and divorced parents can raise happy and secure kids and co-creator of the award winning children's DVD program about divorce, Lemons 2 Lemonade: How to handle life when things go sour between Mom and Dad.

Learn more about her at divorce and children or follow her on Facebook and Twitter

Blended Family Tip: Plan Activities Around Kids’ Schedule with Other Parent

This week my 12 year old daughter left to spend the summer with her mom in the northeast. The school year ended last week so she’s free to just relax and enjoy life – as carefree as ever. She’s very much looking forward to some downtime the next couple months.

Last weekend, before she left, our family had a getaway – a mini vacation of sorts. We went to the west coast of Florida and took a little break to spend some quality time together. It’s as good a time as we’ve had in quite a while.

That got me thinking about something. What if we took that same trip this coming weekend - after my daughter already left? It certainly wouldn't be the same. Then I wondered about other families like ours - those that have a child who's a member of 2 households - and particularly when the households are in different states. How do you include the kids in your family activities when they're often away with their other parent?

When my former wife and I divorced almost 10 years ago, our daughter became like so many other kids who have seen their happy home become two homes, with her going back and forth between both of them. Because our divorce was a very unpleasant process, I knew the importance of letting our daughter know that despite what happened between her parents, she has always been and will always be loved and cherished.

Over the past several years since the divorce, quite a number of life changes have occurred for our daughter: my ex-relocated to her home state with her; then our daughter came to live with me; then I got remarried; then our son was born. You can read about how it all came together in The Story of My Blended Family. But these are significant changes and she had to adjust to each of them.

Through it all, I’ve done my best to ensure that with all the changes taking place around her, my daughter would always feel loved and very much a part of each of her households. So as much as possible, I try to plan special activities around her schedule. Special family getaways like the one last weekend are timed so that she can be a part of them.

Understandably, there are times when that's not feasible but it's an ideal to aim for. For example, with her away for the summer (till August), if we have a July 4^th Independence Day activity, it would happen without her. But as much as possible, we try to plan special activities with her in mind. My wife and I talked about having a Labor Day barbecue in September after my daughter returns, where we’d invite family and friends. If we do it for the 4^th of July holiday, she’d miss it. It’s all about making her know that she’s a priority in all we do.

Why do I share this? Because I believe that kids from blended families are particularly vulnerable. It's easy for parents to take for granted the fact that the kids have to adjust to the changing circumstances. Since I went through the divorce, I have tried, as much as possible to have our daughter have as normal a life as one could have - even with divorced parents.

I recall times when she would say, "All my cousins have their mom and dad at home; why do I have to go back and forth between two homes?" What's a dad to say in response to that? Well, here we are years later and her perspective has changed so much. She appreciates the collective efforts by her mom and me to make her life as smooth and carefree as possible. Interestingly, last weekend while we were on our trip she said, "I'm the luckiest girl alive! I have 2 homes where everybody loves me. I’m here now having the time of my life and I’m going to my mom next week to have more fun." What a difference in perspective!

If you're a parent of kids who have 2 homes, please do your best to create the environment where they feel that they're an integral member of each household. Plan your family activities around their schedule as much as possible. Let them know that their happiness is your top priority. If they feel insecure about the changes taking place around them, encourage them with kind words and follow up with kind deeds. Be consistent in displaying your love for them. That does wonders for their self-esteem.

Kids are a joy and a wonder. And those of us who have the privilege of being parents are fortunate. When our marriages and other relationships don't quite work out, let's remember that our role as parents is the role of a lifetime - nothing can undo that. Let's do our best to assure them of our unchanging love - both by our words and deeds. By including them in our activities, that lets them feel valued and appreciated. And that's what parenthood is all about.

Enjoy your day.

The Upbeat Dad