Friday, September 21, 2012

Preparing Parents for the High School Years!


Rodrick's daughter, now a High School freshman

This fall semester, my daughter started high school. Let me say that again…MY DAUGHTER STARTED HIGH SCHOOL! I can’t believe it! It might sound cliché but it really does seem like yesterday that my little girl was in day care. Now she’s a high schooler! Unbelievable!

I must admit that I have mixed emotions about this entire experience. You see, to me, she’s my child – my baby. And she’ll always be. But guess what? When she leaves this school, it’s off to college and quite possibly, she will no longer live with us at home on a permanent basis. My wife and I marvel at the fact that our daughter is becoming an adult – right before our very eyes.

With all this said, I can only imagine the emotions that parents like us are feeling all across the world right now, as our little kids are growing up. We have a sense of pride, yet we know that as life takes its natural course, they grow up and begin to chart their own path in life. It’s bittersweet, no doubt.


Think about this for a moment. If your kids just started high school, like ours, over the next four years here’s what’s likely to happen. They will: 
  • Decide what area of work they would like to pursue as adults
  • Become increasingly into their friends and less into you
  • Learn to drive
  • Go on their first date
  • Be exposed to the temptations of sex, drugs and alcohol

With this post, I don’t have the pretense that I know it all and have the solutions to the issues that parents face. I’m just a husband and father learning as I go along. Yet, I believe that life has taught me some very important lessons that have equipped me to help guide our daughter through these critical years.

It wasn’t very long ago that I, too, was a high school freshman with my eyes set on what life had to offer. And somehow, I’ve made it this far. It hasn’t been smooth sailing by any means. Still, I believe that the challenges I’ve encountered will help me to effectively parent our child through the next 4 years.

Here are some tips that we can give to our kids. I believe they will help them to successfully get through high school and on to college or to face life’s other challenges. This list is by no means meant to be exhaustive. If there are additional areas you think should also be emphasized, feel free to leave a comment on this post. So here’s the list:



1. Set Goals. One of the most important and effective tools that one can develop in life is the art of goal-setting. I have heard it said that goals are a magnet to success; I totally agree with that. It’s never too early – or too late, for that matter – to learn this life-changing art. As your kids begin this phase, encourage them to set goals for their high school years. Here are some that they can start with:

  • Get on the honor roll and join the National Honor Society
  • Maintain a grade point average of a certain amount (4.0 would be ideal but if not that, it should be something that requires them to work diligently)
  • Make the varsity team during their freshman or sophomore year
  • Become class presidentGet a full scholarship to their dream university

These goals can help to motivate them and challenge them to stay on track. Encourage them to write them down. They should review this list often, especially when they are tired and exhausted and want to quit. Ask anyone who has learned to perfect the art of goal-setting – in their lives, in general, or in business. You’ll find that the impossible becomes very possible with the simple process of writing down the things that one desires and then pursuing them. This is indeed heavy duty stuff!

2. Manage Time. In many ways, high school serves as a preview of what the working world will be like. Unlike college, high school is very strict and rigid when it comes to time. For instance, when I was in college, I had no more than 3 classes each day, and I chose the times I wanted them. If I wanted afternoon classes, I chose them and just slept late. But in high school, kids have to get up early – sometimes, ridiculously early hours. Then they go to school and are in class all day. And if they’re involved in extra-curricular activities, they have to find time to do those activities, while keeping up with their studies. This mirrors what happens in the real world. It requires effective time management if one wants to succeed. If our kids can master this skill, then they’re well on their way.

3. Choose Friends Wisely. If you’re like many people, some of the closest friends and strongest influences that you have are with those who you meet in high school. The old saying goes, “Birds of a feather flock together.” Smart kids somehow seem to attract other smart kids. And those who goof off and waste time seem to attract like-minded kids. It’s important that our kids make wise choices when making friends because they will have an influence on them for a lifetime. Do your best to ensure that these friends and their parents have the same value system that you try to instill at home. Before long, when your kids go off to college or to face other challenges in life, you won’t have as much input in this process so while you’re able, help them to maintain high standards in choosing friends.


4. Get Involved in Extra-curricular Activities. If I could return to high school today, one of the first things I would do is become involved in activities that were not required in order to graduate. I remember during my senior year, I applied for so many scholarships. One of the main things that was asked of me was what activities I was involved in outside of the classroom. I struggled to name any. I wasn’t involved in sports, drama club, band or anything. My grades were fine but it became increasingly apparent to me that these activities were highly regarded. 


When I got to college, from my first semester until I graduated, I was always involved in such activities. And you know what? I became so much more well-rounded. My communication and leader ship skills were honed – much more than they were when I was sitting in the classroom. It doesn’t really matter what type of activity it is – sports, cheerleading, clubs, yearbook committee, etc. Kids learn so much about what it takes to succeed in life as they become involved. Ask them what they want to be involved in. Then make every effort to facilitate their involvement. Believe me, this works wonders.

5. Communicate Openly. Perhaps the most important lesson that parents of teens can learn is that communication is a two way street. As our children grow older, they begin to frame their own world – they choose friends, go to parties and really spend a lot of time away from home. When we learn to not only convey our expectations of them but also listen to them, then we have in place a system that facilitates open and honest communication. Issues will arise, no doubt. 

As much as we like to think our kids are immune to the traps that many others fall into, we should be aware that the issues they face are real. If we can foster open communication with them about matters such as sex, drugs and alcohol, then they will be more informed when they make choices in these areas. They may not always make the choices that we would make or that we would want them to make but if they have a standard against which to measure their thoughts and actions, then they will more likely make the right choices.

Well, that's about it. Like I said, this list is by no means exhaustive. But I think it’s a good start.

You know, when I took my daughter to her first day of school, it really hit me that the next time I take her to a new school, it will be when I drop her off to her college dorm. And quite possibly, it will be months before I see her again. She’s growing up. My wife and I really only have 4 more years with her in the house on a daily basis so we ought to make the most of it.

Parenting is the role of a lifetime, isn’t it? It comes with different phases and different challenges. If you’re in the phase of parenting a high schooler, just know that others, like me, are in the same boat and we’re cheering you on as you go through the process. We’re all learning together; we make mistakes but we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and continue trying to be the best parents that our kids deserve.

I wish for you and your family the very best as you go through these transformative years. Just lovingly care for your kids and someway, somehow, you will make it and so will they. Soon they’ll embark on the next phase – adulthood! That’s something to look forward to!

Enjoy your day,


The Upbeat Dad

Friday, August 3, 2012

Upbeat Dad of the Month: Greg Battersby

Greg Battersby

One of the things I enjoy most about my work is that, on occasion, I have the privilege of getting to meet fascinating individuals who embody the message that we try to share at the Upbeat Dad Organization. When dads are actively engaged in their kids’ lives, great things happen. And when those great things result in increased opportunities to share a positive message on fatherhood, that’s icing on the cake, as the expression goes. Today’s post is about such a dad. It is with special privilege that I say that our Upbeat Dad of the Month is Greg Battersby.

I had the privilege of interviewing Greg and I left that conversation quite impressed with his story. An intellectual property attorney based in Westport, Connecticut, Greg has been married for 42 years. The marriage has produced 2 sons, the pride and joy of his life. Both adults now, his sons are pursuing their life callings but it was during their formative years that the uniqueness of this story began.

Early in Greg’s career, he was a successful attorney with a large firm based in New York City. He was climbing the corporate ladder and making great strides in the ultra-competitive market that New York is. His wife is an educator. They were a young family – 2 professionals and 2 kids – living the American dream. From the outside looking in, one would think that this life was all that one could hope for.

An age-old expression says, “The reward for hard work is more hard work.” And Greg was getting rewarded – both financially and with more work. With the increased workload, he was beginning to realize that the demands of his career were starting to take their toll on his family life. He would routinely work 12 hour days and not be able to spend meaningful time with his sons. The words of the song Cats in the Cradle rang in his head. If you don’t know it, Cats in the Cradle is a song about a working dad who was always so busy that his son grew up in his home but they never made a connection. And later in life, he looked back with regret.

Greg dreamed of being a constant presence in his sons’ lives – doing things such as coaching Little League baseball and other activities that meant much to them. On the one hand, he was living the life that many would envy but deep within, there was an emptiness that could only be filled by being the kind of dad that would have a close bond with his kids.

Greg and son, Adam, during Little League practice
After talking through this dilemma with his wife, they came to the conclusion that he needed to make the critical decision to take a different path to success – one that included not only work in the corporate arena but also meaningful time with the family. He resigned from his high-paying job in New York City and the family relocated to Westport, Connecticut. There Greg worked with a smaller firm – one that allowed him to continue his successful law career but also gave him the flexibility to be the kind of dad he felt his sons deserved.

What has transpired since then is something made for the movies! He became a Little League baseball coach, just like he dreamed. His son Adam was quite gifted and really took a liking to the sport. With his dad coaching him and giving him tips along the way, Adam developed a passion for the game.

Now here’s the kicker. Greg noticed that Adam was very good in the batting cage, as he swung at different pitches. But that success didn’t always translate to the field. He would occasionally struggle when he batted in real games where pitchers threw different pitches at different times. A concerned father, Greg wanted to help his son make the transition to the field from the controlled environment that the batting cage is.

To use the catch-phrase, a light bulb went off in his head! He thought about how helpful it would be to have a machine that could throw different baseball pitches interchangeably. Baseball players could attest to the fact that you hit a fastball differently than how you hit a curve ball, or a slider, etc. Greg thought that a machine that could simulate different pitches that one could encounter in a game situation would be helpful. That machine didn’t exist so, to work he went.

He assembled a team of experts to develop such a machine. After 2 years of research and development, a prototype was created. And being the intellectual property attorney that he is, he patented his invention – with 13 patents altogether. This brilliant idea simply came from the concern of a loving dad who wanted to see his son perform better on the baseball field. And out of it was born a ground-breaking business concept.

Batter using ProBatter pitching simulator
Greg wanted to get the product into the hands of major league teams.  He got his big break when, in 1999 at the baseball winter meetings, the ProBatter pitching simulator was introduced. The Boston Red Sox team was impressed and wanted to learn more about it. Sporting gear companies such as Wilson and Rawlings took interest as well.


Greg knew he had a hit on his hands but in order to capitalize on it fully, he had to start a company that would develop and market the product. ProBatter Sports LLC was established in 1999. The company found an investor who helped to fund the cost of developing and producing the pitching simulator. In the years since its founding, the company has experienced a meteoric rise to success. Several major league baseball teams including the legendary New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox organizations use the product to help their batters develop. Over 20 NCAA college teams use it as well and the product is used in more than 200 batting cages and training centers throughout the country and abroad.

With the patented technology, the company has also developed for other sports – namely softball and cricket. It has contracted with the British national cricket team to help to develop their batsmen (yes, batsmen is the proper cricket term!) The cricket market is limitless and with increased opportunities in places such as Dubai, India, England  and Australia, the potential for a huge global presence in this sport is limitless.

The most beautiful conclusion to this story is this: Adam, the son who Greg just wanted to help to become a better player on the baseball field has since graduated from college and started working with the company. He started as a junior salesman, rose up the ranks and is currently the President of the company founded on his behalf. He runs the day to day operations as ProBatter Sports LLC explores new ways to capitalize on the niche that it has developed.


Adam Battersby, now President of ProBatter Sports LLC
Greg continues to work as an attorney as the co-founder of the IP law-firm Grimes & Battersby LLC with offices in Norwalk, Connecticut and New York City. His wife, Susan, continues her career in the school system, now as a high school housemaster. His other son, Damian, is a successful veterinarian who is married to another veterinarian. A fitting reward for such a dedicated husband and father.

Greg’s advice for dads regarding their kids is, “Enjoy them. They’re young for a short period of time. Young kids understand one thing - time. It’s all about the time (you spend with them).” He added, “I would choose my relationship with my sons over having a $100 million company. My kids can say, ‘My dad never missed my (Little League) games.’”

Greg and sons, Adam and Damian
In a world that is dominated by the so-called rat race, where people are willing to do just about anything to get to the top of the corporate ladder, it’s quite refreshing to learn of someone such as Greg Battersby. He made the difficult choice to give up advancement in a large firm for the opportunity to be an engaged, active dad. And years later, his sacrifice has been well worth it. Not only was he an involved dad but in the process he also established a global sporting brand, one that has limitless potential. And he still has the privilege of practicing law, the career he has loves all along.

I yearn to see the day when stories such as this are the norm – a man who chose a strong relationship with his kids over his career. The reality is that when we make such choices, we don’t really have to give up our careers. As his example shows, the career situation often takes care of itself. When we do the right thing for our kids, things just work themselves out in our favor and in our kids’ favor.

Today, Greg can proudly look on his sons’ achievements with knowledge that, along with his wife, he played a vital role in their success. For this he ought to be applauded. An Upbeat Dad he truly is.

Have a great day.

.
Greg with wife, sons and daughter-in-law
The Upbeat Dad

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Why Penn State Should Suspend Its Football Program

Coach Joe Paterno with players

-- BE SURE TO READ THE ADDENDUM AT THE END OF THIS POST --



If you live in the United States or you’re even remotely in tune with the news in the country, you’ve likely heard of the scandal at Pennsylvania State University. In late 2011, former Assistant Head Coach and Defensive Coordinator, Jerry Sandusky, was charged with 48 counts of sexual abuse of boys of different ages. In June 2012, he was found guilty on 45 of the 48 counts and faces a lengthy prison sentence, one which will be handed down in September 2012.

Before we go further, let me give you a “heads up:” this post is somewhat lengthier than a typical one that I write on this blog. The reason is that I think it’s important to first share some background information on the case and how things have progressed to this point, in the event that you’re not familiar with it. I’ll first lay out the facts and then share why I have come to the conclusion that the program should be temporarily suspended.
  
Sandusky coached at Penn State for a 30 year period beginning in 1969. During his tenure, he was quite successful working alongside legendary coach Joe Paterno to lead the Nittany Lions’ football program to multiple winning seasons and bowl appearances. Their team won the national championship twice in the 1980s.
  
In 1977, Sandusky founded The Second Mile, a Pennsylvania non-profit organization serving underprivileged and at-risk youth. In 1998, he came under investigation by the campus police, following a claim by a mother that her son had been molested by him in the showers on campus. He officially retired shortly after this investigation, and was awarded "both an unusual compensation package and a special designation of 'emeritus' rank that carried special privileges, including access to the university’s recreational facilities."

After retirement, Sandusky hosted many summer football camps and was active in The Second Mile. On November 4, 2011, a grand jury that had been convened in 2009, indicted him on 40 counts of sex crimes against young boys. The indictment came after a lengthy investigation that explored allegations of him having inappropriate contact with an underage boy over the course of four years, beginning when the boy was ten years old. The boy's parents reported the incident to police in 2009. The grand jury identified eight boys that had been singled out for sexual advances or sexual assaults by him, taking place from 1994 through 2009. At least 20 of the incidents allegedly took place while he was still employed at Penn State.

In December 2011, Sandusky was charged with an additional 12 counts of sexual crimes against children, bringing the total number of counts to 52. Four of these counts were later dropped. The grand jury's second presentment charged him with an additional count of involuntary deviant sexual intercourse and two additional counts of unlawful contact with a minor. The additional victims were participants in The Second Mile and were between the ages of 10 and 12 at the time of the sexual assaults.

Jerry Sandusky under arrest



Now the story has come to the surface and the public has learned about the shameful acts that occurred at Penn State. It’s certainly a “black-eye” on one of the most prestigious, respected universities in the country, if not the world. It’s known not only for its elite football program but also for its academics. Yet despite repeated claims by different victims and eyewitness accounts of what was happening, the“powers that be” at the University opted to, in effect, give Sandusky a license to carry out his crimes against children with little or no consequence.


In early July 2012, the report by a special investigative council headed by former FBI Director Louis Freeh was released. The report states that four “of the most powerful people" at Penn State "failed to protect against a child sexual predator harming children for over a decade.” The four were: Coach Joe Paterno, Athletic Director Tim Curley, Senior Vice President for Finance and Business Gary Schultz (who oversaw the Penn State police department), and former University President Graham Spanier.

Former FBI Director Louis Freeh
The Freeh report states that by allowing Sandusky to retire in 1999 as a “valued member of the Penn State football legacy,” he was allowed to continue to sexually abuse without interference. Through being able to leverage the "visibility of Penn State, combined with his ability 'to continue to work with young people through Penn State'", he was essentially facilitated in being able to continue with his core method of “grooming" boys as "targets for his assaults”.

Upon Sandusky retiring in 1999, no restrictions were placed upon him continuing to bring boys to the showers on campus. Freeh's report is very specific on this matter: Paterno, Curley, Schultz, and Spanier "empowered Sandusky to attract potential victims to the campus and football events by allowing him to have continued, unrestricted and unsupervised access to the University's facilities and affiliation with the university's prominent football program. Indeed, the continued access provided Sandusky with the very currency that enabled him to attract his victims".

I know very little about Penn State personally. I only know of their storied football program and its reputation for excellence. Paterno’s coaching tenure at the university began in 1950 and he became head coach in 1966. In late 2011, shortly after the story broke, he was fired for knowledge of, and lack of participation in stopping, Sandusky’s actions. Shortly after his firing, he was diagnosed with cancer and died in only a matter of months, in January 2012.Some say that “Joe Pa,” as he was affectionately called, was Penn State. The names were – and to a certain degree, still are – synonymous.

Ok, so here’s the point of this post. Until now, I have tried to present the facts as they are known. For the remainder of this writing, I will share my opinion on just what I believe should happen going forward. Considering all that has occurred in this case, in an effort to rebuild the public trust, Penn State should temporarily suspend its football program. This is more than football – it’s a human tragedy. So I think that, in the process of restoring the integrity of its program, it should “call timeout” and then take its program in a new direction.



You may or may not agree with my approach and either way, it’s fine. Just so that you understand the reason for my conclusion on this matter, let me share with you my perspective. As you may have read on this blog, I am the father of 2 children – a teen daughter and a son who’s almost 2. I went through a divorce 10 years ago and I got a dose of reality about what the family law system often does to the relationship between dads and their kids. This experience caused me to develop a heart of compassion for the innocent children all over the world who are effectively abandoned by their dads – particularly when marriages and other relationships fail.

I decided, after my own plight, to dedicate my life to the cause of children. I guess the best term that could be used to describe me in this campaign is a child advocate. I wrote the post Diary of a Child Advocate to share the reason for my passionate support of children. See also the post Spotlight on Child Abuse. So with this campaign in mind, I started the Upbeat Dad Organization, not so much for fathers but for the innocent children who they help to bring into this world.

The Carpenters sang, “Bless the beasts and the children; for in this world they have no voice, they have no choice.” That is certainly true. I believe that our most vulnerable citizens are children. They come into the world through no choice of their own. And throughout their childhood, decisions are made by adults on their behalf that are totally out of their control. If the decisions are to their detriment, then they are powerless to stop them. In all of this, although I’m a father, I do not side only with fathers – or with mothers. I try to side with the children, the ones who have no voice.

So with this as the backdrop, here comes Jerry Sandusky. He has a non-profit organization through which he helps at-risk and underprivileged children. He becomes a mentor and a hero to them – a father-figure, if you will. He develops bonds with them and they trust him fully. We’re not talking about the stereotypical molester lurking in the woods awaiting an unsuspecting potential victim. We’re talking about a respected citizen - a married man and a retired football coach with 6 adopted children and several foster children. On the surface, he’s someone who parents would love to have their children around.

Then this same Jerry Sandusky is the one who used his position of authority in the lives of many boys to sexually, psychologically and emotionally abuse them. He used his non-profit entity as a means of access to these boys and then he took pleasure in their sexual exploitation on Penn State’s campus. Some have used the words “monster” or “evil” to describe him and based on his actions, it’s hard to argue against that.

Now, some might argue that those crimes were committed by Sandusky alone and he is getting his just reward – life behind bars. Why then would some advocate, as I do, that the university should suspend football? Joe Paterno and other officials didn’t molest the boys – it was Sandusky alone. Well, this is where I make my strongest point. These officials represent the university and its football program. They knew that a pedophile was in their midst. All of this is factual, based on the evidence presented in the court case and in the Freeh report. Conversations took place; emails and other correspondence about the criminal behavior went back and forth. Yet nothing of any consequence was done to stop it.

Did you know that in most – if not all – states in the US, a sex offender is required to be registered in the city where (s)he lives? Such individuals cannot just live where they want to or go anywhere they please. They are known to be a threat to the safety of the general public, and thus, their movements must be monitored. In no case can a known sexual predator – especially a pedophile – have unlimited access to little children. Yet school officials knew that a sexual predator with a liking for boys was in their midst – using the school’s facilities for his awful acts and they chose to “look the other way.” And as they did, more and more boys were victimized. 

Why would the Paterno and company take such a stance? Why would they remain silent while the young, vulnerable children suffered? Why would the claims of the victims be repeatedly overlooked? It doesn’t make much sense, does it? Well, based on the Freeh report, it appears that a calculated decision was made to keep silent and deal with the matter internally. One suggestion, based on the report, was that Sandusky should get counseling. They wanted to ensure that he was treated humanely. So they wanted humane treatment for him while he continued his inhumane acts. How disturbing!  

In the eyes of the officials, the reputation of the school and its football program were at jeopardy if Sandusky was to be revealed as a pedophile. Certainly the university could stand to lose millions. “How so,” you might ask? Well, for starters, potential recruits might not commit to play their collegiate career at an institution where such a scandal could take place. Especially as the years went on, the potential fallout from such a revelation could have been huge. Sanctions could have been imposed and officials fired. The negative publicity could have been a long-lasting stain on the reputation of a respected institution.

So, in the years of silence – at least 14 – Penn State football continued. In those years, the program prospered. They made bowl appearances. Paterno continued his legendary tenure, becoming more of an icon with each passing day. A statue was even erected in his honor in front of the football stadium. Penn State football maintained its glamorous image without the stain of a child sex scandal – making millions in the process.

Sandusky after Alamo Bowl victory in 1999
It is quite evident that the school officials, through their actions, put money and reputation ahead of the interests of the innocent children that they knew Sandusky was harming. He was the criminal but, by their willful silence, they effectively became accessories to the crimes. By “sweeping the problem under the rug,” the awful behavior by the pedophile continued for well over a decade.

Now the scandal that they sought to avoid has caused them to become a national disgrace. Sandusky faces a maximum sentence of 442 years in prison and a minimum of 60 years under Pennsylvania sentencing guidelines - at his age, effectively a life sentence. The legendary Joe Paterno was fired in disgrace, and unfortunately died in the midst of the criminal proceedings. Other school officials have either been fired or have resigned.  

Famous alumni such as Todd Blackledge, Franco Harris and Matt Millen have come forward to condemn the actions by the university. And with the conviction of Sandusky and the release of the Freeh Report, the institution now has a permanent stain on its once impeccable reputation. Some argue that it’s the worst scandal in the history of US sports. That might very well be a true assessment.  

I just think that with all that occurred – particularly the lack of institutional control – the school should suffer the consequences of its actions. As the victims continue to heal and the school begins the process of trying to regain the public’s trust, I believe that Penn State football should take the bold step of suspending its football program for at least one or two seasons. That, in my view, will demonstrate the school’s commitment to rectify the obvious lack of good judgment that so many of its representatives displayed. 

Statue of Paterno
The university has already begun to implement various measures to signify its commitment to restore its reputation. Most recently – this morning, in fact - current university President Rodney Erickson announced the removal of the 900 lb statue of Paterno outside of the football stadium on campus. In a statement, he wrote, "I now believe that, contrary to its original intention, Coach Paterno's statue has become a source of division and an obstacle to healing in our university and beyond. For that reason, I have decided that it is in the best interest of our university and public safety to remove the statue…" He added that, had the statue remained in its current location, it would “be a recurring wound to the multitude of individuals across the nation and beyond who have been the victims of child abuse."

I applaud such efforts by the institution to try to regain the public’s trust. Children were abused for many years under their watch. More will need to be done over time in order for Penn State to once again be synonymous with excellence and integrity.

The best thing that any adult can do for a child is to protect his or her best interest. As grownups, we have the responsibility to care for and nurture those within our care. We ought to not only say these words but to live them out in our actions. I am disappointed in Sandusky’s behavior but I’m more disappointed in the other officials who did nothing of consequence to protect the innocent, vulnerable ones.

In the grand scheme of things, football is of very little importance. Children are precious gifts to us and they deserve our very best. So, for this reason, I believe Penn State should do the honorable thing and demonstrate their commitment to these ones who “have no voice.”

I’m just one person with an opinion. Will this plea get to the ears of the “powers that be” at the university? Who knows? But I hope that as you’ve read this, it has caused you to become more aware of the responsibility that we all share to protect children. You or I may not be at Penn State but we live in our own neighborhoods; we go to the parks, to the malls and to different places of worship. We can be advocates for children within our own sphere of influence.

Let us commit to being the caretakers of those who will one day lead the world long after you and I are gone. It’s a noble calling to intercede for these innocent ones in our midst. In so doing, we will help to ensure that something as awful as what occurred at Penn State will never occur again.

I welcome your thoughts on what I’ve shared. I don’t expect that every reader will agree with my recommendation. I do, however, hope that you would understand my perspective and, at a minimum, agree with me that we owe it to all children to always look out for their best interest. Remember, “they have no voice; they have no choice,” so it’s up to us to do what’s right on their behalf. Only our very best is good enough.

Keep these thoughts in mind as you enjoy your day.


The Upbeat Dad




ADDENDUM (Tuesday, July 24, 2012)

Less than 24 hours after this article was written and posted, the NCAA handed down unprecedented sanctions against Penn State for its role in the child abuse scandal. I thought I’d add the following addendum to this blog post to bring it to a fitting conclusion:

NCAA President, Mark Emmert
On Monday, July 23, 2012, the NCAA hit Penn State with a $60 million sanction, a four-year football postseason ban and a vacation of all wins dating to 1998. The career record of Joe Paterno will reflect these vacated records, dropping him from 409 wins to 298 and making him now 12th in all time wins among NCAA football coaches. He was previously 1st.

The university also will have six bowl wins and two conference championships erased and also must reduce 10 initial and 20 total scholarships each year for a four-year period. The athletic program also will be put on a five-year probation and must work with an athletic-integrity monitor of the NCAA's choosing. Any current or incoming football players are free to immediately transfer and compete at another school.

The NCAA said the $60 million was equivalent to the average annual revenue of the football program. It also ordered Penn State to pay the penalty funds into an endowment for "external programs preventing child sexual abuse or assisting victims and may not be used to fund such programs at the university. NCAA president Mark Emmert said, "In the Penn State case, the results were perverse and unconscionable. No price the NCAA can levy will repair the grievous damage inflicted by Jerry Sandusky on his victims."

Rodney Erickson, Penn State President
Penn State president Rodney Erickson said, "We had our backs to the wall on this." He said the school accepted the penalties to avoid the so-called "death penalty" that could have resulted in the suspension of the football program for at least one year. "We did what we thought was necessary to save the program."

In this post, I called for Penn State to do something radical to turn the page from this dark chapter and move forward. As it turns out, they didn’t opt to suspend their football program; instead, the NCAA has implemented penalties that are likely far worse than a self-imposed 1 or 2 year suspension. According to many experts, it will likely be 5 to 10 years before Penn State could possibly return to the ranks of elite football programs.

I believe that these severe sanctions have sent a strong message and will accomplish the purpose for which I wrote this article. Penn State prospered for over a decade while trusting, vulnerable children were traumatized by the horrible acts. I applaud NCAA leadership for being the “voice” for these children. Erickson said, "The tragedy of child sexual abuse that occurred at our university altered the lives of innocent children. Today, as every day, our thoughts and prayers continue to be with the victims of Mr. Sandusky and all other victims of child abuse."

Let’s hope that, from this very public case, the message sent will not only change the culture at Penn State that allowed child abuse to occur but also any place where this issue exists. Children are wonderful and precious gifts and they deserve to live at peace in this world, without fear of being powerless victims who “have no voice.”


Thursday, July 19, 2012

The Storm and The Calm: A Lesson for Divorced Parents



A couple of weeks ago I was contacted by a gentleman who attended one of our Upbeat Dad Community Forums. He has been going through a challenging time in his marriage and most recently, he and his wife separated. They have two young children, both under 5 years old. He wanted to get my perspective on his situation and to know of any insight that I could share.

As we sat and spoke, it became increasingly clear to me that he was living the life that I lived 10 years ago at this point. The situations are somewhat different but the similarities were striking. He invested his all into a relationship and now he’s seeing it crumble in front of his eyes. And in the midst of it all are his young children. I can certainly relate to that feeling  – wanting a relationship to work out but knowing quite well that it is likely over.


He is currently separated and based on what he shared with me, I really doubt that there’s any hope of saving that marriage. I wish that I could talk to his wife to see if there’s any hope of salvaging that relationship. I’m always for reconciliation, especially when there are kids involved – young kids, in particular. But this one, I think, is likely over. I told him that if they should go to the next step and file for divorce, things could get worse before they get better. There’s no telling just what might occur, especially if there are unreasonable demands made by either party. It can be an emotionally – and financially - draining experience for sure.

After about 2 hours of sitting and speaking with him, I realized something quite significant. As we started out the conversation, his perspective was that there was doom and gloom ahead. By the time we finished speaking, he had developed a different perspective – one of hope and optimism. I believe that, based on my own experience, I was able to let him know that, though he’s walking through a storm presently, if he maintains the right perspective, then inevitably, the calm will come.

I have shared my story on this blog in various posts, including The Story Behind The Upbeat Dad and The Awful Night 10 Years Ago That Led Me to Start The Upbeat Dad. Please read those posts to get a perspective on the journey I’ve taken. As you read, I hope that you understand the source of the passion that I have developed for seeing fathers engaged in the lives of their children.

Here’s the most important point I can make with this post: regardless of the difficulties that arise in a divorce, when there are kids involved, if we adopt the right mindset, things will ultimately turn out for our good and the good of our children. After the storm comes the calm, and life goes on.
I have seen couples fight for the assets acquired in their marriages – the house, the cars, the investments, the 401K, etc. I have also seen them fight for custody of their children and in the process, stoop to low depths to get their way. And I can tell you that in just about all of the cases, the persons who made decisions in the best interest of the children ultimately found themselves in a better position.

As I told the gentleman, I’m not an attorney so I can’t give legal advice. I can only give advice based on my own experience and the principles that I believe will put him in the most favorable position. So I told him to have the right focus. He and his wife have accumulated some assets – house, cars, and other material things. I believe that he should seek to divide these assets evenly. That’s the ideal, I believe. But sometimes in family court, things don’t quite work out that way.

I then told him, that when it comes to the kids, he should not compromise on the one factor that matters most – time with them. His wife wants him to have them every other weekend. The whole thing about “every other weekend,” I think is just wrong. Young kids cannot develop a close bond with a parent when they see him/her on what amounts to every 2 weeks. In my view, kids share the DNA of their parents 50/50 so when marriages end, the time shared between parents should also be 50/50.

I also advised him that, at no point, should he say anything negative regarding their mother in their presence. Some parents think that by saying the worst things about the other parent, that will give them an advantage in the eyes of the children. That might work in the short-run but, in time, it generally backfires. Children are smarter than we think. No matter how young they are, they know when the love of a parent is genuine. You may have heard the saying “love conquers all.” I have found that to be true, especially as it relates to the affection towards one’s children during divorce.  

One thing that stood out to me when I spoke with him was that he was going through inner turmoil. I recall that feeling but guess what? I was far removed from those emotions. It was a distant memory. Ten years ago this month my divorce was finalized and, believe me, at that time, I thought the world was coming to an end. I was living through a nightmare that seemed to get worst by the minute. The storm was raging then and even got worse in the next couple years after that.

But here we are today. Those emotions are all gone. Life has moved on. It doesn’t matter that I lost the house and just about all the material things we acquired. My focus was on my then-3 year old daughter. Today, I’m happily married to a wonderful woman and we have a gorgeous little almost 2 year old son. And my daughter is now 13 and she lives with us. The calm has come and I appreciate it so much more because I have the relative experience of the storm to put it all in perspective.



If you’re currently experiencing divorce and its effects, be encouraged. As the saying goes, “tough times don’t last – tough people do.” Keep focused on your kids and somehow things will all get aligned in your favor and theirs.

As I wrote this post, I was listening to Jimmy Cliff’s Greatest Hits. I think that a fitting way to conclude these words of encouragement come from the chorus of his song Better Days are. Check out these lyrics:

Better days are coming by and by
Don’t you get downhearted, don’t you cry
Troubles will be over, all our joys come over
Better days are coming by and by.

Encouraging huh? Indeed better days are coming. Better days are here for me and for so many others who have walked the road you’re walking now. And they will be for you too. Just hang in there because after the storms of life, comes the calm. We cannot always control the storms but if we keep focused despite the raging winds, we’ll come through on the other side just fine. Keep your head up and stay encouraged.

I hope that this was just that “picker upper” that you needed to make it through today. Now go out and make it a wonderful day!


The Upbeat Dad

Monday, July 9, 2012

Onward to the Next Frontier: The Vision of the Upbeat Dad Organization!




In October 2010, I launched the Upbeat Dad blog simply for the purpose of empowering dads to become actively engaged in the lives of their children. I didn’t quite know what the response would have been but I just had an overwhelming desire to help others through this medium. If even one person would stand to benefit from this work, then to me, it would be worth it.

Today, over 20 months later, I have written 214 blog posts. We have well over 200,000 hits on the site, with readers on every continent except Antarctica – not sure if they have internet there anyway! I’ve had the privilege of having positive exchanges with members of our audience from all over the world through the blog, our Facebook page and on our Twitter feeds. I have had several interviews with different media sources including the BBC. We have had two Upbeat Dad Community Forums to date. I have spoken at different conferences including the Head Start in Miami and The Divorce Expo in Detroit. So it’s been an eventful almost two years!

As the vision has unfolded, I have come to the realization that the Upbeat Dad concept is more about a cause than anything. In its true essence, it’s a positive force for change. The underlying theme that’s been echoed by others with whom I’ve interacted as I’ve carried out this work is that the message is so needed. So with that, I have sought to put in place an infrastructure to address many of the issues that have been identified.

All of this has led to the forming in late 2011 of the Upbeat Dad Organization, Inc., a non-profit corporation whose mission is to empower fathers and to support families. As this phase of the vision is unfolding, I am realizing more and more how much work there is to do. Well, maybe I shouldn’t call it work – it’s more fun than anything. But the possibilities of what might be accomplished are endless. It’s all for the purpose of helping dads to play their part in the raising of their children.

Some men become fathers but don’t quite know how to be dads. The term father is a term of biology. But dad is a term of endearment. Then there are men who deeply desire to be involved in the lives of their children but because of various obstacles that dominate the family law system, their efforts seem futile. There are so many issues that are prevalent when it comes to the matter of fatherhood. So we have developed a systematic approach to address many of these issues. There is certainly no “one size fits all” solution to these issues. So step by step we are tackling the problems that we’ve identified.

I haven’t written quite as many blog posts recently. I do plan to get back to writing more frequently, ideally at least one or two per week. I recognize the importance of these posts, as I believe they give practical solutions to the different issues that men deal with. But behind the scenes, there’s quite a bit of work being done. Let’s just say that the blueprint for a masterpiece is being assembled. And it’s my opinion that that masterpiece will be for your benefit.

I believe that the cause for which the organization has been formed is great. In the coming weeks, months and years, you’ll begin to see the vision unfold to a greater extent than it has to this point. We have formed strategic alliances with various organizations including the Miami Dolphins. We will have more public events – ones that will function as the ground war in a military operation. We have engaged the services of a team of consultants whose responsibility is to help us develop certain modules to effect change in different parts of our society, including the corporate arena, the educational system, the prison system, the political system, the legal system and more.

The purpose of this post is to really affirm our commitment to practicing what we’ve preached since we launched this site almost two years ago. I hope that you have a glimpse of where we are going with this. I often say that it’s the cause of a lifetime. Having been through a divorce and now having the privilege of raising a new family, along with my daughter from my first marriage, I know just how fortunate and blessed I am. So I seek to empower others to take the “upbeat” approach and do the right thing for their kids.

I think that we’re embarking on an exciting phase of the vision. So do stay engaged with us. And share any of our posts with others who you think will benefit from what we seek to share. More than anything, I believe that children will have more a promising future when their dads are actively involved in their development. So the purpose behind all that we do will be to help these dads to have that positive impact.

Do enjoy your day. And stay tuned – the best is yet to come!


The Upbeat Dad