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| Rodrick and his son
In the recent past, something has
come to my attention regarding my relationship with my kids and I thought that
I’d share it here on this blog because I believe it’s a good lesson for working
parents, especially dads. It’s not something that’s very easy to write because
it’s somewhat a confession of my own shortcomings as a parent. At the same
time, I think that it will be an encouragement to others; therefore I’ll be
transparent in sharing what I hope will be a wake up call for many.
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Our 14 year old daughter recently
started high school. I take her to and from school daily. We leave pretty early
in the mornings – by 7:15. We also have a 2 year old son. Generally, when I leave
each day, he’s still sleeping. My days can be pretty demanding – with my daily
responsibilities at the office and then meetings and other commitments after
work. So I often don’t get home until after 8:30 pm. My son’s bedtime is 9:00.
Very often I make it home after 9:00 and miss saying good night to him. It’s
not out of the ordinary for my only interaction with him during a workday to be
during phone calls from the office.
I’ve been noticing that he is
growing so fast and doing so many new things each day. His vocabulary is
expanding rapidly, his personality is coming into its own and part of me
wonders just how much of his young life I’m missing. I’m busy working to
provide for the family and giving my all to see that our plans come to
fruition. I’m focused and determined to see the Upbeat Dad Organization
continue to touch lives around the world. It’s an awesome responsibility to
have the vision for a multifaceted organization and then take slow, methodical
steps to see the vision realized. But as I work, I see that my frequent absence
from home is taking its toll on the relationship with my son.
Most recently, I recall coming home
after picking up my daughter from school one day and dropping her home. I,
then, had to leave shortly for an evening meeting after being home only 10
minutes. When I told my son that I’m leaving he got so upset that he folded his
arms and walked away. I tried talking to him but he was having none of it. He
was visibly hurt – even at age 2. He waited all day to see me and when he finally
got that chance, he was short-changed after only 10 minutes.
That whole scenario spoke so loudly
to me that on my way to that meeting, it bothered me all the way. After the
meeting, on the way home I began thinking about my daily life and my
obligations and realized that he was absolutely right. I’ve been cheating him of
the precious time that he deserves. It’s not in any way that I don’t care to
spend time with him. As young and impressionable as he is, I want as much time
with him as possible and I want to make every moment count.
I know that my schedule can be very
demanding so what my wife and I implemented in our household is a set time –
usually on a Friday evening – when we cut off the outside world and just bond
as a family. No phone, TV, iPad or anything else - just us. We usually go to a
restaurant or to some form of entertainment. We’ve done that consistently from
the beginning of our marriage and continue to do so to this day. So each week,
though I get pretty busy, I know that that allotted time for all 4 of us is on
the calendar. And on the weekend, we really spend some meaningful time. It’s
time throughout the week that can be a challenge.
With our son, his schedule is
different from everyone else’s. He wakes up about 8:00 AM and goes to bed at
9:00 PM. My daughter and I have our time each day on the drive to and from
school. Then my wife and I have our time early in the morning and when I get
home at night. So the only person who gets short-changed is the youngest, most
vulnerable one – our son.
I was faced with the reality of this
situation and had a decision to make: either keep up the same routine or make
drastic and radical changes to ensure that my son and I continue to build on
that essential bond between father and child.
So here’s what I did: I took an
inventory of my daily and weekly obligations; then I considered the additional
opportunities that are routinely presented to me for consideration –
opportunities that saying “yes” to would mean saying “no” to time with my son.
I reviewed and dissected each of
these things and realized that, too easily, I said “yes” to opportunities that,
though good for my professional advancement, cost me that time with him. I
realize that when I’m trying to build on the vision of the organization and
work on other opportunities that arise, I have to put in the time. I also
realize that my obligations should be first to my household and then to my career.
So what I’ve decided to do is cut
out some of the evening obligations that consume my time. And, in some cases, I
push back the obligations so that I can have a few hours with my son and then
when he goes to bed, I can get to them. As I write this, it’s 11:30 PM. I had
hoped to have it written before but time got away from me. Still, I came home
to spend some meaningful time with him before bedtime. And now that he’s
asleep, I can get back to this work.
It’s been a few weeks since I’ve
implemented these changes. Some weeks are more challenging than others but, for
the most part, the changes are allowing me to build on that special
relationship. In just this short time, I’m really seeing a new degree of
closeness that I think was lacking. We have a long way to go but I know we’re
on the right track.
And as I recall, when my daughter
was the same age, I had a similar issue. I had a job that required me to travel
extensively. One day I was working locally and told her I was leaving for work.
Her response was, “Daddy, are you going to the airport?” Those simple words
changed my life and my perspective. Read 7Words That Changed My Life: Daddy, Are You Going to the Airport? for more about this.
Why do I share this post? Well, I
believe that my story is not all that unusual. Men all across the world get up
daily and go to work with the mindset that they must provide for their
families. So they go out and put in long hours and then go to networking
events, meetings and other places. They leave early and come home late, seeing
very little of the kids. So in essence they are absentee dads living at home.
(See The Absentee Dad Living at Home
for a post I wrote about this very issue.)
Just like these men, I also have an
obligation to provide for my family. Still, I realize that climbing the
corporate ladder is not worth it when it’s at the expense of time spent with
one’s family. There’s much that we can do ensure that our professional
advancement is not at the expense of time with our wives and kids. I often say
that we express our love to our kids by the time we spend with them.
To give a good example of this
principle in action, think of President Barack Obama. I don’t get into politics
here but I think it’s good to note that he makes it a point to be home by 6:30 PM
each day he’s in Washington DC to have dinner with his family. Sure he works
crazy hours throughout the day and late into the night. But I think it’s
admirable that he ensures that his wife and 2 young daughters have his
undivided attention at dinner time so that their connection remains intact.
If you find yourself in a position
where you’ve lost or you’re losing that essential bond with your kids, I hope
that this post has spoken to your heart. There’s much that we can do to ensure
our obligations to our kids are kept. Maybe your job is flexible enough for you
to work around your kids schedule so you can take them to school, go to their
games, play catch in the backyard, etc. All of these things are available to us
if we are diligent in creating and maintaining that bond that our kids need.
Parenthood is the role of a
lifetime. As a dad, I know the importance of my involvement in my kids’ lives.
So I’ve made some necessary changes to ensure that I’m very much a part of
their daily routines. Not long ago our daughter was in day care. Now she’s in
high school and soon will be gone off to college. Our son is 2 now and I’m sure
that before long he’ll be asking to borrow the car keys to go out. They aren’t
young forever so, as the expression goes, we have to “make hay while the sun
shines,” and enjoy meaningful time with them while we can.
We have more control than we think.
Sometimes, when we say “no” to some things, we say “yes” to so much more – time
with the kids. Do make the changes you need to. And share this post with those
who you know would stand to benefit from its message. Our kids deserve our very
best. And I believe that, with the case I’ve sought to present here, many men
and women will look within and do the right thing and make changes in their
kids’ best interest.
Keep these thoughts at the forefront
of your mind and do what you know you need to do. You’re well on your way to
being just the type of parent that your kids deserve.
The Upbeat Dad
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